Upset DD won’t celebrate my special birthday

[Lemonmeringue76]

For the last few years my DD aged 21 had talked about us doing something special for my next ‘big’ birthday. We have been to London for shows, cocktails and dinner or been on holiday for previous birthdays and always had a lovely time. Or at least I thought we did.

From being very close she has changed towards me recently and become more distant. I’m not sure if this is her age or the fact she is in a new relationship. She texts and phones far less frequently from uni. In the past we had seen a great deal of each other and regularly been out for dinner, spa days, cinema etc. She came home in uni holidays and for weekends.

She is now saying I might not even see her for my birthday, let alone do something special. I feel very hurt. I have no one else but her to celebrate with. I’ve always been a one to make a fuss over her birthdays. I can’t understand why she would be willing to leave me alone on the day.

I think also it depends on individual maturing. My DD ‘lost’ some of her normal Y10 and 11 experiences due to Covid. Her first boyfriend was very serious and he was her best friend as well so breaking up after he’d gone travelling for 5 months was a shock. She is also in her second ‘go’ at uni having left her first after Y1. So although she’s 21, she seems younger emotionally to me.

I'm noticing you're only really responding to comments about your DD, @Lemonmeringue76 and all of your comments are about her. What about you? What about your part in this and all the feedback you've had about that?

It’s a difficult one OP, I think I was probably very selfish at this age but I’m sure I have always celebrated my mum’s birthday in some way, she would have been very hurt if I hadn’t and, even though she would have said it was fine, it wouldn’t have been and I don’t want to hurt her.

I have said I am not expecting her to come home as often now and am not putting any pressure on her to do this. I also am very encouraging of her friendships and things she pursues with them or on her own

Again though this is all about your daughter. What are you doing to increase your social circle and reduce your dependence on your daughter?

Also if she had an amazing opportunity like work experience or an internship abroad I’d accept I wouldn’t see her near my birthday but she’s 3 hours away. I would just like to see her the weekend before or after perhaps.

I think the idea that in 4 or 5 months I can miraculously create a close social circle to celebrate my birthday with is unrealistic.

most of my casual friends will be leading their ‘independent adult lives’

So it’s ok for your friends to live their ‘independent adult lives’ but not your 21 year old DD?

But that doesn’t mean you can’t start.

All your responses are about your DD and your expectations of her but what about you? Do you not see that you’ve been unhealthily dependent on her to fulfil your needs and that’s why you’re struggling now?

You said you had some friends though, surely it's normal to develop those friendships more when your children grow up.

Your post sounds quite defeatist.

It's more so that going forward your reliance on your DD lessens in general. For this particular birthday you may or may not have friends to spend time with but your DD has only started becoming more independent so this will be it going forward. She won't be spending 3-4 months with you in the summers and she might not be able to see you for your birthday etc. You need to think a bit more long-term.

No I was answering the pp who seemed to think that most people celebrated with their friends. Surely if they are advocating that adult children are too busy with their own lives to spend time on a parent’s birthday then adult friends are likely to be too busy also - especially as they will have their own families.

Is she in her last year of uni? Is she knee deep in her dissertation?
My daughter was so intently focused on hers and all the stress, I didn’t ask anything extra

...no.

Your DD is busy with her partner and friends and that's how things should be for you as well. You shouldn't be fretting about a big birthday that's not happening for another 4-5 months because you have no friends to spend it with and need your DD around to make you feel better. That's really not normal.

No second year and my birthday is after uni finishes

It's really not the same. You can't demand that they are free of course but if you have 3-4 friends who you could invite over, chances are that 2 or 3 of them are free. They don't have to spend every second with their families. You are putting too much on your DD when you say that you either celebrate with her or you are alone.

@Lemonmeringue76 I think you’re being unreasonable to expect a 21yo to be the only person you can celebrate with. It must be a bit stressful for her knowing that you are expecting her to do things so far in advance. I don’t know that you should force friendships just to celebrate a 50th birthday. However you should see it as a wake up call to start working on friendships. Your DD may stay in her uni city & always be 3 hours away. So won’t ever live in her home town again.

I am surprised that pp think friends will be reorganising their plans for someone else’s birthday.

Hi friends. It's my birthday! Let's do lunch. Date July 14th. Hope you can make it!

<friend puts date in diary. Friend shows up>

OP, do you feel depressed or anxious? Perimenopausal?

There are many organisations out there that can help. Many GPs can refer to social prescribing or peer support. See this as the year you start to make some changes. Not in time for your 50th maybe, but this is a wake-up call for you to start taking control of your own independent life.

Exactly!

OP, you can even arrange a date that suits everyone given it's so far in advance and you say yourself you're not fussed about celebrating on the actual day. I don't know anyone who wouldn't make themselves available for a friends 50th with 4-5 months notice

No. But their age doesn't impact whether or not they should prioritise their partner over a parent's big birthday.
In fact at 21 most people have far fewer commitments and responsibilities that could get in the way of celebrating their patent, than they do when they're older.

OP's DD (who set this problem up by promising her mum all these ideas) seems to simply have had a better offer. And it's absolutely reasonable for OP to feel hurt.

It’s crap that she can’t just commit now to a day or two from her summer holidays to come and spend with you and celebrate your birthday.
It’s also crap that you’re relying solely on her though. She’s 21. If you did have friends to celebrate with, there’d probably be less pressure on your daughter.

I don't read it like that.

I read it as though the OP has nobody else to celebrate with and has pressured her DD to be there constantly - the DD is now pushing back and spreading her wings and OP is upset about it.

That's exactly how I read it too. The fact the daughters relationships seem to be all or nothing at the exclusion of everyone and everything else also suggests that to her this is very normal behaviour she has seen modelled.

I have prioritised my very demanding job and bringing up my daughter so don’t have many close friends. My best friend from school lives quite a long way way. We do see each other every month or two and talk a lot as she’s a single mum too but her child is much younger and she goes to spend the summer with her dad in the US every year. Work ‘friends’ are often younger than me and busy with their own families.