To not even bother sending my child to school?

[MotherOfSEN]

DD is in Year 6 at a local primary school. She is neurodiverse (autistic and ADHD) academically capable with no EHCP. I have asked a couple of times about applying for an EHCP, but the school has said she needs very little support and therefore she is unlikely to get one. I appreciate I could apply for one myself, but I’d need some sort of reason, which I currently do not have. She doesn’t have friends as such, she sort of floats around with everyone and makes herself busy at school lunch times doing clubs or reading. She has started to find Year 6 trickier, with the expectations and the work load, as well as preparation for SATS. At home, she is little trouble, but does need to be repeatedly reminded about tasks eg putting clothes on the right way, washing hands etc. Her conversation skills also aren’t great; she mainly spends time reading, drawing or creating animations on her tablet.

Monday is secondary school allocation day. I don’t want her going to either of the local secondary schools. For context, I work in SEN and year after year I encounter many students who have had to leave these schools because the schools weren’t making reasonable adjustments, didn’t understand SEN, they were bullied etc. Many students describe the experience as traumatic and it takes a long time for them to recover.

I am very concerned about bullying and the busyness of the environment. She struggles to follow instructions and I think she will get lost in big classes, navigating a large school, the sheer amount of pupils (both over 1,000). She gets overwhelmed in stressful environments and other people need to be sensitive to this. She gets mortified when being told off by a teacher, or even if a teacher shouts and tells the class off, she is an absolute people pleaser.

When I spoke to her current teacher, they expressed that they didn’t think either secondary school would be ideal for her. Equally, the tutor she has to support her schoolwork also feels the local schools would be detrimental for her. Several extended family members that I have discussed this with feel that a large comprehensive would not be the correct choice.

I’m at the point of just thinking ‘sod it’ and home educating her. We have a fair amount of local home education groups and I would employ tutors for various subjects. I work flexibly so I can easily accommodate this for her.

My main barrier is her father who thinks she should at least try the local schools. He thinks she should go and then we remove her if she’s struggling. I think that would be an error as she is very compliant and sensitive, she would feel as though she has failed at school or should keep going until breaking point. I want to remove this issue altogether. My opinion is that it may be possible for her to rejoin school, perhaps in Year 9 or Year 10, maybe at that point we could fund private school for her or she will be older and more suited / capable for the big secondaries.

For context, her father only sees her every other weekend and has very little input into her life in any meaningful way. He has never even been to her primary school, so I don’t think his opinion is informed at all if I’m honest.

WIBU to just home educate her and not even try with the local schools?

But the parent doesn’t have to be the only teacher, or in fact the teacher at all - there are other options - home school coops which use different parents or tutors to teach the subjects. Virtual schools with live online teaching. Private tutors etc.

Homeschool doesn’t mean being stuck at home on your own with one parent only.

Did you get your secondary school place today OP? I think you need to make contact with the SENCO and find out what support will look like without an EHCP, this gives you a concrete place to start to compare with other schools or home ed

I'm normally all for home ed, but in this case I do think she should try a local secondary school 😬 It's not that I think home ed would be bad, more just she might get on really well at secondary. I wasa sensitive and compliant child with sensory issues and I ended up loving my large local comp. I think you're underestimating how hard it would be for her to join in her GCSE years when all the friendship groups are already formed and the school's curriculum has been building towards the exam years.

I also agree with you that EHCPs are not really designed for children who can progress and cope (both at home and school) with ordinarily available provision.

Tbh an ehc is of most value at secondary level if the student needs specialist provision of some sort. If they don't, the money for all the ehc students gets pooled and it funds subject- specific TAs, who often help other struggling children too.

If you have a child who is academically able, they may not need TA support. But they might need eg speech and language support, which is a bought in resource and needs to be funded through an ehc. Or they might not cope and need to go to a smaller provision or even have home tutors.

But for some children, a secondary ehc is not that useful. Of course it can be very useful again post 16.

An EHCP is only not useful when it is poor, which, sadly, many are. A well written EHCP absolutely is useful at any age.

Not sure where you are in Hampshire but my friends had a positive experience with Moyes Court private school under SEN EHCP

It depends on the level of autism.
The more pronounced it is the less likely the child is to cope with a mainstream school. The less pronounced it is, especially for girls who tend to communicate better than their male counterparts, the more beneficial mainstream school is in having a normal educational experience, socialising, making friends for life etc.

Running a business and home educating is absolutely doable. My children have never attended school, we've been home educating for 8 years currently and I run 2 businesses and work part-time. My eldest also has SEN, if that makes a difference, and my youngest trains daily at an elite sport. We manage perfectly fine.

@MotherOfSEN sounds more than capable of doing this, despite all the naysayers.

Below is a good article on the over-diagnosis of autism and how it may be harming children at the lower end of the spectrum:

https://archive.is/uM94f

Prime example of humble-bragging at its best on Mumsnet.

I have 10 children, 3 of whom are elite athletes, I run half a dozen businesses, am personal friends with Elon, do all my own cleaning and cooking, grow all my own vegetables, make all my own bread, teach Tai Chi to the residents at the local nursing home at weekends in order to give back to the community, work on a cure for cancer in my spare time and volunteer at the animal rescue centre once a week.

I think if you’re in a position to do it, then HE. I have two girls who were similar to yours, both had a diagnosis of ASD but no EHCP. Both tried secondary, and their experiences were:

DD1 - hated it from the off. Found it completely stressful and overwhelming. Had no friends, was bullied, and spent pretty much the whole time either locked in the toilets crying, or with the lovely pastoral support lady. I worked with the school for just over 2 years, putting in place support, trying part time timetables etc. Eventually in year 9 I had a meeting with the school and said that’s enough now, DD’s mental health was in the gutter, CAMHS involvement, and to my surprise they actually agreed, and I withdrew her. She was out of education for 18 months until I managed to get an EHCP for her, then she went to a specialist autism school which she coped well with. But now, in her twenties, she literally still has nightmares about her experience of secondary and I feel guilty for putting her through it as long as I did.

DD2 was a different kettle of fish, got on fine for the first two terms, but then her behaviour went rapidly downhill. She was also overwhelmed but her approach to manage that was to get in with the naughtiest kids there and be a troublemaker, in her head I think that was a self protection thing. She was unbearable both at school and at home, and it literally got to the point where I was phoning social services and begging them to take her, I was having a breakdown over her behaviour and I just couldn’t cope anymore. Anyway, took her out of school, within days she was back to her lovely self again. She was out of school for even longer as 6 years on it had become even harder to get an EHCP, but she now has one and is doing amazingly well in a setting she can manage, and wants to do A levels!

Secondaries are terrifying places for ND kids, there’s no other situation they’ll face in life that will be like it. The sheer volume of people, the capacity for the nastiness of teenagers, social media, general terrible behaviour, the chronic underfunding of SEN departments. Trust your gut.

And to add to my post, both coped well in primary with minimal support, they even kind of enjoyed being there. Secondary is SO different.

Under the circumstances I think you would be unreasonable to send her to one of these schools!

I have 2 ND kids who sound quite similar to your DD and would advise you to not underestimate the mental damage and trauma they suffer in a non-supportive school environment. Listen to your gut and home school.

I'm not sure how that is helpful to the OP.

Wise up. I wasn't bragging, I was clearly responding to the people who think it's impossible to run a business or work and home educate at the same time.

Did you fail to see I mentioned I have a child with SEN? Show some sensitivity for fuck sake. No one said it was easy, but people make it work.

But yeah actually, we do grow our own vegetables.

And my husband makes all our own bread 🖕

We finally got DS's EHCP at Christmas, he would be in year 10. He was diagnosed ASC a couple of weeks after starting secondary school, though the process started around year 4.
Definitely worth still doing, as it could help her through secondary and post-16.
I think you know your instincts, especially as you have experience in SEN. DS had no friends in secondary school, except kids who took him in because he was vulnerable and would do what they asked. With his EHCP he has EOTAS of 10hrs tuition a week, he's studying 6 subjects through that and online tuition. I think tuition was agreed as the process had taken so long, the important thing is to get him through GCSEs.
The social part that people talk about gets me. He does socialise despite being out of school, but these are healthy connections. School only gave him people who mistreated him, through physical and emotional bullying, as well as a distrust of adults due to the behaviour of some staff (the educational psychologist's words in his report).