To not even bother sending my child to school?

[MotherOfSEN]

DD is in Year 6 at a local primary school. She is neurodiverse (autistic and ADHD) academically capable with no EHCP. I have asked a couple of times about applying for an EHCP, but the school has said she needs very little support and therefore she is unlikely to get one. I appreciate I could apply for one myself, but I’d need some sort of reason, which I currently do not have. She doesn’t have friends as such, she sort of floats around with everyone and makes herself busy at school lunch times doing clubs or reading. She has started to find Year 6 trickier, with the expectations and the work load, as well as preparation for SATS. At home, she is little trouble, but does need to be repeatedly reminded about tasks eg putting clothes on the right way, washing hands etc. Her conversation skills also aren’t great; she mainly spends time reading, drawing or creating animations on her tablet.

Monday is secondary school allocation day. I don’t want her going to either of the local secondary schools. For context, I work in SEN and year after year I encounter many students who have had to leave these schools because the schools weren’t making reasonable adjustments, didn’t understand SEN, they were bullied etc. Many students describe the experience as traumatic and it takes a long time for them to recover.

I am very concerned about bullying and the busyness of the environment. She struggles to follow instructions and I think she will get lost in big classes, navigating a large school, the sheer amount of pupils (both over 1,000). She gets overwhelmed in stressful environments and other people need to be sensitive to this. She gets mortified when being told off by a teacher, or even if a teacher shouts and tells the class off, she is an absolute people pleaser.

When I spoke to her current teacher, they expressed that they didn’t think either secondary school would be ideal for her. Equally, the tutor she has to support her schoolwork also feels the local schools would be detrimental for her. Several extended family members that I have discussed this with feel that a large comprehensive would not be the correct choice.

I’m at the point of just thinking ‘sod it’ and home educating her. We have a fair amount of local home education groups and I would employ tutors for various subjects. I work flexibly so I can easily accommodate this for her.

My main barrier is her father who thinks she should at least try the local schools. He thinks she should go and then we remove her if she’s struggling. I think that would be an error as she is very compliant and sensitive, she would feel as though she has failed at school or should keep going until breaking point. I want to remove this issue altogether. My opinion is that it may be possible for her to rejoin school, perhaps in Year 9 or Year 10, maybe at that point we could fund private school for her or she will be older and more suited / capable for the big secondaries.

For context, her father only sees her every other weekend and has very little input into her life in any meaningful way. He has never even been to her primary school, so I don’t think his opinion is informed at all if I’m honest.

WIBU to just home educate her and not even try with the local schools?

My daughter was well enough supported at primary school but I knew secondary wasn't going to work so I applied for a then Statement in year 5 and started looking at alternative provision.

I had no idea what her actual needs were as she had never been assessed and school were perfectly happy to leave her just trundling along - she wasn't disruptive and it was clear to me that by this point they knew they just had another year with her, so why spend sen resources on her?

Of course the request was refused but I had spoken to SOS!SEN who advised me to get my daughter assessed by an Ed psych, SALTand OT.

The reports were incredibly detailed, especially the SALT and OT. All three said that she needed significant support. The LA caved before tribunal - we got the Statement and the specialist school.

Her head teacher was furious with me. It was a very difficult final year!

There was another girl in her class who was only diagnosed asd at the end of year 6 and she went to the local secondary school, which was a disaster. She refused to go back after half term but the LA then provided home tutors while they sorted out a Statement and she moved to a specialist school too.

I would suggest that you apply for an ehc as it puts your daughter on the LA's radar. They will of course turn you down but you can gather your own evidence. I would speak to SOS!SEN for advice on timings, who to use etc but it could mean that if secondary doesn't work out, you are well into the process.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this lately as my daughter is struggling through high school and I’m not sure this is logical at all. Yes of course my daughter - and all children - need to learn a level of resilience and school is part of that. But when she’s an adult she will have so much more control over her environment than she does now. She won’t choose to spend 7 hours a day surrounded by noisy, chaotic, yelling teenagers throwing water bottles at each other. She will almost certainly work outdoors or in something physical (she wants to be a dance teacher or a stonemason just now). She will be able to choose to live alone, to keep her lights dim and to structure her social and personal life as she chooses.

She is academically able and enjoys the learning, but finds the surroundings very, very difficult. Shes not interested in exploring options, and has 2 friends (and is uninterested in more) and a couple lunchtime clubs she likes. We just got her a maths tutor as she genuinely couldn’t take in the teaching with all the disruptiveness in the classroom and might need more tutoring as exams approach.

If she was open to something non traditional I’d be all for it as I see the toll school is taking on her and her weekends are very, very purposefully quiet so she can reset a bit. I’m worried that she might fall apart at some point as she masks hard all day, every day and that’s really tiring. And I am really not sure what being in this environment is teaching her really - how to pretend? How to ignore chaos? How to survive something and be super grateful when it’s over? She will never again need to be trapped in somewhere she hates after she leaves high school and I remind her of that all the time.

How educated are you?
How well distributed are your talents for different subjects?
How good are your public speaking skills?
Unless your answer is at least degree level and very well distributed talents I don't think home schooling is a good idea. The lack of social interaction, especially as this is a struggle for DD, could also be disastrous.
To home school effectively you need at least as many talents as a professionally trained teacher, in a far broader range of subjects- to be fair that is not very likely.

Actually that’s not really true nowadays - unless you are planning to be the sole teacher and curriculum setter.

There are loads of options for parents now including virtual schools, homeschool coops and groups, tutors, bespoke curriculums with live online support.

The groups and coops help with socialization issues, the main concern is being organized and sticking to schedules and meeting bench marks.

Parents don’t have to be able to offer degree level experience in all subjects they just need to know how to access that information.

Op, have you considered whether an alternative school like a Waldorf or Montessori school or similar might be an option?
Just thinking in terms of small schools ...

To deprive teenagers of social interaction with their peers is not setting them up for feeling like they are a contributing member of society. You learn so many incidental cues and observations about personality types by merely being near other kids and hearing and seeing them interact.

Your daughter likes her privacy so I think you would be doing her no favours to have her home schooled and dependent on you for everything.
Try harder to either find a school that is more suitable or to accompany your daughter to the two schools and see which one would be more suitable.
She might like one of them.

Give her a chance. Put more effort into helping her cope, if you have the time for home schooling.

Enrol her in a special hobby where she will make a different group of peers and have contacts outside of school.
Ideally her Dad could also do a club of some sort with her for a couple of hours when he sees her - cake decorating, swimming, fishing.

OP tried for private but can’t afford full fees and didn’t get a bursary.

So the world is made of sharp glass and if you go out your feet will bleed. So stay home. Or get a really strong pair of boots and set off dealing with reality.

You should apply for EHCP as soon as possible. Primary schools have a habit of saying child doesn’t need because primary can cater much better for their needs in general. I had this with my daughter and boom, secondary school was horrific. I put in an EHCNA within a month of her starting and moved her as soon as it was through (not an easy process) into SEN school. Where we live the diagnosis doesn’t mean much - sure the secondary school have to do some level of support (my daughter is ND and has a very rare syndrome with huge medical problems) but that support was “unlimited time off for appointments and able to leave class and go to the [quiet area] when needed”. Personally I would be getting your EHCNA ducks in a row and getting it done whilst you are still in primary - we needed two terms worth of evidence.

DS has moved from a specialist setting to a mainstream setting for secondary. We were terrified for similar reasons to the ones you suggested but he absolutely loves it. He loves the way you move between classes in secondary, he loves doing different subjects which he is not great at because he might not be that academic but he loves the canteen most. I’d be inclined to get the EHCP as soon as possible and try the school with a view to pulling her out if it is not a good setting for her.

Well that's always been true really, ever since the national curriculum came in, being able to access material doesn't mean you will be able to effectively teach it.
Like anything it is more complicated than that- you can't just access material and circumvent years of training and experience and be a good, or even adequate teacher.

OP, yes, you can absolutely choose your own amount of subjects such as Maths, English and Science plus history/geography. She will be online for about 15 hours a week but on a zoom call to her teacher and 6-8 other students. It costs about £3-4k a year.

As a parent of a now 16 year old with ADHD the jump between secondary and primary is massive and if a child is not getting the support they need it’s likely that grades will start to drop. I’m in another country where they are very behind in helping ND children and my daughter basically just started failing multiple subjects at secondary level. In year three here they have a class for kids, usually full of those with ADHD, with a different style of learning, less homework, more practical activities rather than lots of exams and studying etc, which allows them to pass with the same certificate as children going down the usual route, so this saved DD. She won’t do the equivalent of A levels and will do a more vocational course instead. She has luckily never struggled socially, so that side of a school environment wasn’t a problem. If you are worried about both the educational and social side I think homeschooling sounds like a very sensible option.

This is utterly untrue. The social opportunities in home ed are far
more than in school. More diverse too. Try your local home education Facebook groups. There’s group learning, socials, trips. I think with the children’s wellbeing and schools bill coming n you will find it increasingly difficult to withdraw her.

When DD was being home educated it was the most sociable time she's ever had. She attended groups every day. So many kids were ND like her and she made actual friends, people were understanding, she was more comfortable. It was the opposite of isolating.

@MotherOfSEN Your DD sounds quite a bit like me. I couldn't cope with secondary school and was desperately unhappy. My parents took me out after a few months to home educate me, and it was a really positive experience. At school, I had no friends and was very anxious all day every day, but once I was home educated my anxiety improved almost instantly. I was able to join various extracurricular activities and also a home ed group, which helped my social skills a lot.
By 16, I felt ready to return to mainstream education. I went to an FE college to do my A-levels and really enjoyed it.
I'd recommend following your instincts; school can be a nightmare for some children, especially if they are autistic or have other sen. Many people will insist that children need school for social development, but the school environment is very artificial and nothing like adult life. School taught me to be very frightened of other children because I'd only ever experienced bullying or rejection from them. In my experience, home ed and extracurricular groups were much more inclusive. In smaller groups and away from the school environment, I think it’s often much easier for children to be kinder and more accepting of differences. Best of luck with whatever you decide. 🙂

How about small independent faith schools? There are some small nurturing Hindu/Christian schools near us with fees 300/1k per month and they do take children from other faiths. Our youngest is likely SEN and we are considering our choices for Y3. Maybe worth finding out?

Can anyone also advise which local schools are likely to not be full and have places available e.g which schools historically have not managed to fill Year 7? I’m desperately trying to find a private school that might accept my DD, perhaps with a bursary, so I have a back up to home schooling. I’m in Hampshire.

This year is a lower intake year than previously so last year's figures might help, then take a few off.

Do you know where I can find those figures?

From experience. If you don’t think she would cope in year 7, it’s unlikely she will cope in year 9,10 or 11.
Personally I would apply now for an EHCP. Do it yourself, irrespective of what primary school say. Send her to the local secondary school. She may be fine, but in the first instance she is not, keep her home with ebsa as the reason. Use this to navigate the EHCP process and she should be able to get a place at a local specialist or independent school. If she doesn’t get these there would then be an argument for eotas, which should pay for an education package to have at home. You have to jump through the hoops in the right order. It’s bloody hard work sorting it all, but if you work
in sen you will know some of the things you have to do the navigate the system.

if you choose to home educate, you cannot apply for an EHCP to return her to
education in year 9, she would have to return with no adjustments or support in place. The other thing to consider if you home educate if you would have to self fund exams, including finding somewhere she can sit them. This may be in an unfamiliar environment that she has never been before. Each exam costs around £150 currently, so to achieve 5 GCSE’s, you are in for about £750 at today’s prices.

I’m not saying don’t home educate, just go in with your eyes open.

My two sons are autistic and my eldest has adhd too, I have autism and adhd. I took my children out of nursery and school last January because they were struggling and heavily masking at school, refusing to go in

I took my son put in year 5. He is also AuDHD. He didn't have an EHCP, but they did promise hi various things to help him with his handwriting, concentration etc, but didn't deliver. They also went through staff at a rate of knots, meaning he didn't know from one day to the next who his teacher would be, and took it really personally when his favourites left. I knew he'd get to year 6, they'd realise he wasn't up to scratch for the SATs and pile the pressure on him with before and after school stuff, homework etc, which would have caused meltdowns at home (never at school, because he masked and was very obedient, rules are rules, teachers world is final) He was also bullied, and the main bully got most of the class to join in.

My original plan was to home ed till secondary, but when we looked round the local schools I felt none of them would have fit him. So we carried on. There's a good home ed community here, so he quickly made friends, and joined loads of groups, as well as continuing with his groups like Cubs/Scouts.

At 14 he got a place at a college that does home ed courses, so a vocational subject and GCSE maths and English. He's been doing engineering and is now looking for an apprenticeship. He still has the same friends from when we started home educating and is now a Scout Leader as well.

if you choose to home educate, you cannot apply for an EHCP to return her to education in year 9, she would have to return with no adjustments or support in place.

This not correct. You can request an EHCNA even if you EHE.

I wish that more people's working environments could accommodate home educating the children who don't fit in with the school environment.

From your description of your daughter, she sounds fairly similar to how I was at that age (although I do not have any SEN, I was a people pleaser, did my best to be invisible, was a sitting target for bullies, and find stressful environments too much). Unfortunately, my mother couldn't home educate me due to work. I left school so anxious that I rarely spoke to anyone other than certain family members, and with a strong dislike and distrust of other people. Is your daughter likely to admit that she is struggling at school?

Have a talk with your daughter, to start with, and give her the options. Make sure she knows that not going to school doesn't mean that she's a failure, and that she will be educated- just in a slightly different way. Please continue to do your best for your daughter, and thank-you for even thinking of another alternative to keep her safe and happy!