To not even bother sending my child to school?

[MotherOfSEN]

DD is in Year 6 at a local primary school. She is neurodiverse (autistic and ADHD) academically capable with no EHCP. I have asked a couple of times about applying for an EHCP, but the school has said she needs very little support and therefore she is unlikely to get one. I appreciate I could apply for one myself, but I’d need some sort of reason, which I currently do not have. She doesn’t have friends as such, she sort of floats around with everyone and makes herself busy at school lunch times doing clubs or reading. She has started to find Year 6 trickier, with the expectations and the work load, as well as preparation for SATS. At home, she is little trouble, but does need to be repeatedly reminded about tasks eg putting clothes on the right way, washing hands etc. Her conversation skills also aren’t great; she mainly spends time reading, drawing or creating animations on her tablet.

Monday is secondary school allocation day. I don’t want her going to either of the local secondary schools. For context, I work in SEN and year after year I encounter many students who have had to leave these schools because the schools weren’t making reasonable adjustments, didn’t understand SEN, they were bullied etc. Many students describe the experience as traumatic and it takes a long time for them to recover.

I am very concerned about bullying and the busyness of the environment. She struggles to follow instructions and I think she will get lost in big classes, navigating a large school, the sheer amount of pupils (both over 1,000). She gets overwhelmed in stressful environments and other people need to be sensitive to this. She gets mortified when being told off by a teacher, or even if a teacher shouts and tells the class off, she is an absolute people pleaser.

When I spoke to her current teacher, they expressed that they didn’t think either secondary school would be ideal for her. Equally, the tutor she has to support her schoolwork also feels the local schools would be detrimental for her. Several extended family members that I have discussed this with feel that a large comprehensive would not be the correct choice.

I’m at the point of just thinking ‘sod it’ and home educating her. We have a fair amount of local home education groups and I would employ tutors for various subjects. I work flexibly so I can easily accommodate this for her.

My main barrier is her father who thinks she should at least try the local schools. He thinks she should go and then we remove her if she’s struggling. I think that would be an error as she is very compliant and sensitive, she would feel as though she has failed at school or should keep going until breaking point. I want to remove this issue altogether. My opinion is that it may be possible for her to rejoin school, perhaps in Year 9 or Year 10, maybe at that point we could fund private school for her or she will be older and more suited / capable for the big secondaries.

For context, her father only sees her every other weekend and has very little input into her life in any meaningful way. He has never even been to her primary school, so I don’t think his opinion is informed at all if I’m honest.

WIBU to just home educate her and not even try with the local schools?

You sound like you are the right person to make this decision, given you are her Mum, primary parent so you know her best, and you also work in this area.
Can her Dad go and see the schools so he might understand better, why it isn't suitable?

Private schools that I can’t currently afford, I’ve applied for bursaries but that’s been rejected and they’ve offered full fee places.

Have you asked your DD what she wants to do? At 11 kids usually have a pretty good idea of what they want.

I think you are pushing your anxieties on to her and have very little faith in her. Your whole thread is that she won't be able to do something she hasn't even tried yet. I have a relative like that always infront of the kid oh he won't like that or he won't do that then of course child is straight away oh I won't like that or no I can't do that. His mum is holding him back and babying him due to her own anxieties.

He doesn’t accept SEN unless it’s life limiting. He grew up in a household that believes vaccinations cause autism, ADHD is a parenting issue, autism can be cured with diet. He just thinks most kids are ‘fine’ in secondary school and she needs to get on with it.

And by life limiting I mean, in his view, learning disabilities or requiring extensive care.

I’d be slightly wary of doing this if you are pretty set on home ed, as if you get an EHCP then you automatically cannot deregister without “permission”. If no EHCP then deregistering is as simple as writing a letter.

In your shoes OP I’d definitely home ed.

Look into online schooling. We did this for ds who is autistic and was bullied. It was great and he got all his igcses with good grades and he's now at university.

Sadly, some schools incorrectly tell parents their DC doesn’t need or won’t get an EHCP.

Not just being concerned for the future.

This isn’t correct. Case law establishes that at this point in Y6 the upcoming transition must be considered.

Being stuck in one room with 30 other kids every day and no escape from bullying or exclusion is what lots of children hate about school.

That's not true. Children with an EHCP can deregister just like any other.

That sounds terrible. What on earth happened that she was so badly affected after three months or less? Did you see the signs, or was she pretending everything was fine until she just couldn't cope any longer?

If school and professionals agree neither schools would be ideal, could you maybe apply for a EOTAS package? I think you’d have to apply for an EHCP first but a EOTAS package would fund tutors and anything else she needs

This is not true. DC with EHCPs in MS can deregister just like any other pupil. CSA DC with EHCPs in SS funded by the LA need permission to deregister, not quite the same as permission to EHE, but it must not be unreasonably withheld and parents can go to the Secretary of State if it is.

Ah yeah sorry - different for mainstream. My bad.

But she does have reasons.

Cant socialise
Doesnt like ‘busyness’

Primary sound crap. Mine didn’t need any support apparently either. It transpired later she did.

I was a teacher for 25 years. I never taught an ASD kid without an EHCP. Dd used to go to the local ND centre attached to the children’s hospital in our city. The psychologists there said all their patients had EHCP’s.

What have the school done to help with her socialisation? That should be enough evidence for a start. How are her processing speeds? How does her issues affect her learning? These are all useful for evidence.

EOTAS/EOTIS is only possible if it is inappropriate for provision to be made in a school. That might not be the case since OP thinks other schools may be able to meet needs. But an EHCP could fund independent schools.

Our story is very similar. Our beautiful, sensitive, compliant AuDHD daughter masked so well that it was Easter in Year 7 before we discovered she was self harming and practising her suicide note. She and I are very close and to say it was a shock is a total understatement. I had been fighting for school support since Chrismas, but all they could offer was a place in the inclusion unit (basically isolation).
I took her out to home educate. It was not easy but I am certain it saved her life. She's now in college and thriving, but the trauma of those two terms took four years of constant emotional support and therapy to get her here.

I'm not saying this will be your experience, but it is unfortunately the story of many neurodivergent teens I've met in the past four years. The wheels always seem to come off in year 7.
Trust your instincts.

I think you are projecting onto your daughter and she should be given the chance to go to secondary school. I don’t see how being home educated will make it easier for her to go in yr 9 or 10. Lots of children don’t make friends at school. I was a secondary school teacher and knew which boys in my form didn’t have friends, weren’t part of group. Keeping her at home isn’t going to teach her to survive difficult situations. Instead she will become one of those 20 somethings who say going to work is too stressful.

In which case, letting her start at secondary, fail dismally, will give you evidence for the EHCP, and may mean eventually the LA agrees to fund the private school. Unlikely admittedly, but worth trying surely?

So you can't be bothered to put in the effort to find out what you'd need to write on an EHCP, for a child who has two diagnoses, but somehow it's the school's fault?

I agree with her father and would at least try the secondary school.

Homeschool hubs and communities are a thing, and the children dont get told to sit and shhh except for break times 8 hours a day

It sounds like you have good resources for home education. Do you think your daughter would have a good social experience home edding? Is she likely to make friends?

Both my bright autistic teenagers have been very damaged by mainstream secondary school. I wish I'd had an alternative.

Don’t you think I wish I could just send my daughter off to a mainstream secondary like most other children? Do you think home educating her is my first choice, or one born out of necessity, fear and despair for our current education system?