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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I am but... (family expenses)

191 replies

KnowtheAnswer · 28/02/2026 10:04

DH and I have been married for ten years and together longer. We have young DC. I have signed the youngest up for a hobby, which is something I also do, and today I was looking to fill in the DD form. I asked him which of of two joint accounts we should use. He said neither because this hobby is nothing to do with him. I was surprised as one of the accounts is one we use for family expenses like clothes, food, days out, so that's the one he said I should use before then questioning why he is paying for this.

For context, we have a joint account for all the bills, into which we each pay 50% of the amount needed. We have a second joint account we each pay £500 into which we use for food, joint expenses, days out, meals, schools trips, anything we do together.

For further context, I am default parent as many mothers are, which means I usually book holiday club or book annual leave and then I arrange to take them out or see friends or just work with them at home if I really need to. If I take them out in the holidays or on weekends I generally pay on the basis it's, for example, a meal which I've had with them or met friends. I think there's an argument I shouldn't have to use my annual leave AND pay for entertaining the DC.

He has form for being an arse actually told me to go away and leave him alone when I tried to talk to him about this. I do believe he's unreasonable and a bit of a narcissist generally but is he right on this?

OP posts:
CrocusesFlowering · 28/02/2026 10:05

No he’s wrong. Does he bring any value to your life?

Shedmistress · 28/02/2026 10:08

Of course he isnt right.

Also, do you each earn the same and work the same hours? I feel a complete readjustment in the work/default parenting/contribution to household will need an overhaul.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 28/02/2026 10:08

I’d have had a discussion about whether to sign them up first - this reads as if you signed up without asking him. Maybe he’s annoyed that you did it without asking him. Doesnt change the fact that it should come from the joint account but might explain his initial reaction.

PinkyFlamingo · 28/02/2026 10:10

These type of posts pop up all the time. I always think why do women stay with these mean arses?

Thingsthatgo · 28/02/2026 10:10

YANBU - unless the hobby is particularly expensive (like horses!) or you hadn’t talked it through with him first. If he’s agreed to it, it’s definitely a joint expense.

Canitgetbetter · 28/02/2026 10:12

He's wrong.
In future would it be easier to just go ahead and do it, would he even notice?
Yes, give him the chance to explain when he's ready what his thoughts are. I'd be highly surprised if there's anything redeeming in them based on your description so far, but I suppose it needs to be done.
What does he use his annual leave for?!

Itsmetheflamingo · 28/02/2026 10:13

You’ll get more money out of him divorced 🤨

Seeline · 28/02/2026 10:13

Is the hobby something the child wants to do?
Do the other children do hobbies? And how are these paid for?
Does your DH resent your hobby?

Why did you even ask him in the first place?!

DaisyChain505 · 28/02/2026 10:14

You’re a family unit, married and with joint children. All money is family money.

You shouldn’t have to be paying out of your pocket for things like taking your children out for the day when I assume you earn and work less so you can care for said children.

He’s a tosser.

TheSmallAssassin · 28/02/2026 10:15

No, he's not right, I would also have paid out of our joint account. If I ever took the kids out for anything on my own, the expenses came out of our family account, unless it was something I especially wanted to treat. I wouldn't be asking for permission either, we trust each other to know what the budget is!

LittlePetitePsychopath · 28/02/2026 10:16

Has he rationalised this at all? Does he think it's because something you do - so just for example, you'll get to horseride more or something because she's also going, and therefore he thinks you should cover both costs?

But I don't suppose it really matters. He thinks his money is for him. He doesn't care that you are the default parent, and the exact 50% split won't have helped his view, especially if you don't earn exactly the same amount.

There's not much of a partnership here.

Notmyreality · 28/02/2026 10:16

DaisyChain505 · 28/02/2026 10:14

You’re a family unit, married and with joint children. All money is family money.

You shouldn’t have to be paying out of your pocket for things like taking your children out for the day when I assume you earn and work less so you can care for said children.

He’s a tosser.

Yup.

Original poster
KnowtheAnswer · 28/02/2026 10:28

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 28/02/2026 10:08

I’d have had a discussion about whether to sign them up first - this reads as if you signed up without asking him. Maybe he’s annoyed that you did it without asking him. Doesnt change the fact that it should come from the joint account but might explain his initial reaction.

Well I don't think I did it without asking as we've been going for a month and he's being encouraging it but he may have assumed I was paying. If he did I don't think that's a fair or reasonable assumption. If he did things with the DC and paid for it then it would be different but he rarely does. It's possible he's just in a bad mood or I called him when he's playing a game and therefore he reacted that way which is obviously also not ok.

OP posts:
Christmasinmecar · 28/02/2026 10:28

PinkyFlamingo · 28/02/2026 10:10

These type of posts pop up all the time. I always think why do women stay with these mean arses?

Agree, and more to the point why do they have to come on to MN to ask if they abu? I guess there must be some sort of brain washing involved which is concerning.
Problem is boys see their 'dads' actting like shit towards their mothers and think that's normal.
Girls see it and think it's normal dad is with mum so he must love her and this is what relationships look like. So the cycle repeats onto the next generation and the next....
I was brainwashed in an abusive marriage with an alkie, it's not easy to get out as you feel trapped but on the other hand it becomes the norm. My wake up call was when one of my sons said "I hate x for how he treats you." Son was 9yo and my d added "Yeah, I'm not going to marry someone like him. I want better." She was 11.
That was my turning point, he was booted.

Zanatdy · 28/02/2026 10:33

Wow, none of my kids hobbies had much to do with me, but still had to cough up for them! Why does it think its your expense and not joint?

ClaudiaWinklemansFakeTan · 28/02/2026 10:33

Yanbu, this should be a joint expense from the days out account imo

Original poster
KnowtheAnswer · 28/02/2026 10:42

LittlePetitePsychopath · 28/02/2026 10:16

Has he rationalised this at all? Does he think it's because something you do - so just for example, you'll get to horseride more or something because she's also going, and therefore he thinks you should cover both costs?

But I don't suppose it really matters. He thinks his money is for him. He doesn't care that you are the default parent, and the exact 50% split won't have helped his view, especially if you don't earn exactly the same amount.

There's not much of a partnership here.

He just said it's "nothing to do with him" and he doesn't agree but he will say that even if I buy them clothes sometimes... of course he never thinks to buy them clothes!

OP posts:
Original poster
KnowtheAnswer · 28/02/2026 10:43

It's about £30 per month for further context and we can go up to four times a week for that. Of course I take them. I finish work early or get up on the weekend while he stays in bed.

OP posts:
IamSmarticus · 28/02/2026 10:44

I wouldn't have even asked which account to be honest, I would have decided which one was more suitable and just completed the DD.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 28/02/2026 10:44

All children’s expenses should be joint.

End of.

DappledThings · 28/02/2026 10:46

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 28/02/2026 10:44

All children’s expenses should be joint.

End of.

This. No other faffing about with different accounts you pay different amounts into or whatever. It's 100% a joint expense.

Evaka · 28/02/2026 10:47

This is utterly depressing. You know he's being unreasonable about the hobby, division of money and responsibility, and lack of engagement when you try to talk it through. What's the point of him? He sounds incredibly mean in both senses.

InterestedDad37 · 28/02/2026 10:47

You DO NOT have to put up with gross disparities between you and him with regard to how you organise either your finances or the practicalities of having children.
Please realise this, and take whatever action you need to take to sort it out. But it is not your lot in life to live with someone who thinks it's OK to treat you unfairly.

MasterBeth · 28/02/2026 10:48

And this is why all this separate accounts in marriage stuff is silly to me.

In my marriage, all our money goes into one account from which we both pay for things we need and things we want. Big expenses are agreed on. We trust each other to spend on personal expenses to the level we can afford. Things for the kids aren't paid for one or another of us, like everything else.

BillieWiper · 28/02/2026 10:53

Tell him that every expense related to the children is 50% his responsibility. Seeing as they're his children. And that you'll be taking money from the joint account for the hobby and everything else kid related from now on.

Why should you do all the organising and admin, use all your AL and pay out of your own pocket for your joint children?

You'd be better off divorced as he'd have to pay then. Tight fuck. Honestly would splitting be a terrible idea? I would seriously consider it if he tried to block me from using the joint accounts for the kids.