I don't think I am but... (family expenses)

[KnowtheAnswer]

DH and I have been married for ten years and together longer. We have young DC. I have signed the youngest up for a hobby, which is something I also do, and today I was looking to fill in the DD form. I asked him which of of two joint accounts we should use. He said neither because this hobby is nothing to do with him. I was surprised as one of the accounts is one we use for family expenses like clothes, food, days out, so that's the one he said I should use before then questioning why he is paying for this.

For context, we have a joint account for all the bills, into which we each pay 50% of the amount needed. We have a second joint account we each pay £500 into which we use for food, joint expenses, days out, meals, schools trips, anything we do together.

For further context, I am default parent as many mothers are, which means I usually book holiday club or book annual leave and then I arrange to take them out or see friends or just work with them at home if I really need to. If I take them out in the holidays or on weekends I generally pay on the basis it's, for example, a meal which I've had with them or met friends. I think there's an argument I shouldn't have to use my annual leave AND pay for entertaining the DC.

He has form for being an arse actually told me to go away and leave him alone when I tried to talk to him about this. I do believe he's unreasonable and a bit of a narcissist generally but is he right on this?

He has form for being an arse actually told me to go away and leave him alone when I tried to talk to him about this. I do believe he's unreasonable and a bit of a narcissist generally

And you love him?

There have been so many of these threads lately, where a “DH” is just a complete arsehole about finances, childcare, and the relationship in general it makes me so sad . I always think life is too short to put up with that shit and then give my own DH a spontaneous hug and forgive him for leaving his weetabix bowl in the sink with the weetabix welded on. OP, use the joint account , it’s his child too then let him stamp his feet. Smile and carry on and maybe reflect on your relationship.

Tell him he either pays for kids or he gets the fuck out.

Seriously, single life is better than being nickel and dimed by your own husband.

I would have been pissed off if you’d signed the child up for a hobby without discussing it with me.

sorry.

He was happy for the child to do the hobby, if you read the OP's posts. He just doesn't want to pay from the joint account and only wants OP to pay. Likewise with clothing for the DC.

God that old chestnut.

adults play games. Shock horror lots of women play games. Most have quite normal relationships.

I read it that their made the decision? That would piss me right off.

and I wouldn’t be paying for it if I hadn’t been involved in the choosing of said hobby.

The answer to why he is paying is because it’s for his child… the child is half his so expenses related to said child are half his. Duh.

A father who won't even buy his kids clothes Jesus Christ raise your standards OP.

At a minimum, you need to find a time to sit down and work through as a couple how you plan your finances. If you are the default parent and that means you earn less then he will need to be contributing more money than you to the pot because you are a family unit and you are doing the unpaid labour of childcare. Of we're being petty about it, nannies and housekeepers aren't cheap.

I've no issue with both partners having their own pot of fun money. I think it takes away issues why is partner spending £££ on thing I think is pointless. But family needs funding. Assuming the child doing the hobby is not purely for your benefit, it should be paid out of family funds. Assuming it's a sensible affordable hobby for your family and you aren't treating the other children unfairly.

If I'm being charitable he's fallen into a 'my money' way of thinking without realising that it stops being like that when you have kids.

Was the direct debit in question just for your child? Or were you arranging to pay for yourself too? Sorry of I’ve misunderstood.

If I was married and we had separate bank accounts for our own things, and a joint account for household expenses, and he played golf, I wouldn’t want his golf fees to come out of the joint account.

These type of posts pop up all the time. I always think why do women stay with these mean arses?
💯

I think most people would use the joint account for their child’s hobby?
Our finances are set up slightly differently in as much as we have a joint account and separate accounts.
My DH puts enough money in the joint account for all the household expenses, children’s hobbies etc because he earns far more then me, I work part time because I’m the default parent as DH runs his own business and works a lot.
My wages go into my account and I use it for the extras we need as a family so clothes for the kids, residential/school trips/pet food and insurances, household items, mortgage overpayment and my own clothes/savings etc
I have access to both accounts, we’ve done it this way because my DH knew I wouldn’t want to use the joint account for my own things when he puts the bulk of the money in there.
If you’re putting the same amount into the joint account it makes sense to use that account for anything household and child related.

Particularly this one. Where the OP’s name is actually @KnowtheAnswer !!

Maybe don't marry someone if you suspect allowing them access to your joint finances will be dangerous?

Oh God, one of those men who thinks the children are the woman's expensive "hobby" that she should pay for on her own like he does when he buys his computer games. Never met him but hate him already.

Why did you even ask? I just would have paid from the "school trip" joint account. Or do you always need permission!

I don't know how married people live like this. Can't imagine quibbling over something that is benefitting a child. Of course he is unreasonable.
DH and I seem to be a mumsnet minority in that everything we have is pooled into one account, but we never have any issues like this which all too often pop up on on here.

“I called him when he was playing a game”

leave this manchild.

I don’t have kids but even I don’t think this is how married finances work!

He's a pretty poor father. You haven't answered whether in addition to do the lions share of the childcare and net net paying more to care for your children there is a balancing contribution from him. If you earned a bit more for working less hours i could understand the current set-up - but if he is earning more and just keeping most the money earns for himself and not bothering to parent its not great.

This!
Your husband sounds a real catch - not!

So his children who he created and has 50% responsibility for, he deems “nothing to do with him.”

Leave his sorry ass and claim the rightful child maintenance from him which will probably end up being more than you get from him now.

Tell him the hobby is nothing to do with you either, as it’s your child’s activity and that he makes a good point. Given you’re doing all the running around for this thing that’s nothing to do with you, it seems fair he pays in full for the thing that has nothing to do with him as you both have equal to do with your child.

Tell him the hobby is nothing to do with you either, as it’s your child’s activity and that he makes a good point. Given you’re doing all the running around for this thing that’s nothing to do with you, it seems fair he pays in full for the thing that has nothing to do with him as you both have equal to do with your child.

Why on earth are you married to such a useless waste of space?