I don't think I am but... (family expenses)

[KnowtheAnswer]

DH and I have been married for ten years and together longer. We have young DC. I have signed the youngest up for a hobby, which is something I also do, and today I was looking to fill in the DD form. I asked him which of of two joint accounts we should use. He said neither because this hobby is nothing to do with him. I was surprised as one of the accounts is one we use for family expenses like clothes, food, days out, so that's the one he said I should use before then questioning why he is paying for this.

For context, we have a joint account for all the bills, into which we each pay 50% of the amount needed. We have a second joint account we each pay £500 into which we use for food, joint expenses, days out, meals, schools trips, anything we do together.

For further context, I am default parent as many mothers are, which means I usually book holiday club or book annual leave and then I arrange to take them out or see friends or just work with them at home if I really need to. If I take them out in the holidays or on weekends I generally pay on the basis it's, for example, a meal which I've had with them or met friends. I think there's an argument I shouldn't have to use my annual leave AND pay for entertaining the DC.

He has form for being an arse actually told me to go away and leave him alone when I tried to talk to him about this. I do believe he's unreasonable and a bit of a narcissist generally but is he right on this?

You seem sorted now however I wouldn’t have asked him which account, I would have just done the banking account transaction myself from the joint account.

Why are you still with this tool? He sounds a complete drip

I think this is a really sad post, you can tell the poster is terribly unhappy and is not getting support in their relationship. I think the activity has been the icing on the cake and you are well aware things need to change for the health and happiness of you and yoir children. Life is too short to be miserable.

And it doesn't give you the ick?

What happened to the wedding vow ‘all that I have I share with you’?
My husband and I took this literally and always have. All our money is in one account and we trust each other not to spend frivolously. If we have a big purchase to make, we discuss it. Separate accounts just feel like they muddy the waters.

There are two joint accounts. I was checking which one, not whether I can use it, as I thought it was agreed.

I don't mind having separate accounts actually and I know others who work that way but I have often ended up taking on joint expenses which Im obviously not happy about.

Yes, it doesn’t feel like it’s working in your favour. Perhaps draw up a list together of what comes out of the joint account and what comes out of your own accounts so that you can refer back to that when there’s any disagreement about it?

I’ve never had a joint account but Surely if these are both joint accounts you can take your pick of which to use?

All money is family money here. Even before married. No questions asked - dh wouldn't even know what goes in and out for most things . He never looks at the account. He doesn't even have the app on his phone

I’m confused why you have 2 joint accounts as both Seem to be family stuff

either way yes the fees for activity should come from joint account

Regardless of who’s wrong here (hint hint, it isn’t you) why haven’t you had a serious discussion with him about
him being an arsehole
twlling you to go away and leave him alone so he doesn’t have to discuss it.
being a narcissist.

Why did you ask him? Do you need his permission? Why are you funding all child related costs. F that.

Sounds like you are oppressed to me. Think carefully about wasting your life with this AH, let alone the negative impact his behaviour is having on your child.

You aren’t really sorted as a few other posters are suggesting.
So you were given a reason rather than an apology and he finally deigned to accept this payment but objects over things like clothing costs.
I would reset these terms OP, so you could start by making lists of what needs purchasing and divide up who does what both sourcing and paying. Maybe he should be taking his own children out and maybe lie ins are a shared luxury from now on. If he can’t/wont do school and activity runs these should be factored into the whole who pays what calculations. It doesn’t sound like he appreciates your time at all. Think about what you are demonstrating to your children.

Split accounts save so many arguments that would happen in many marriages.

I've seen so much tit-for-tat spending in relationships. He buys a new bike he doesn't really need, so she buys a new designer handbag. (Insert your own stereotypes)

A 50/50 split is only fair if you both earn the same. Imo the way it works best is if you have a joint account for all expenses, and each of you puts into it a share in proportion to your take home pay. Anything left is yours to do exactly what you want with. It worked well for us, anyway. Kids would complicate the budget but the principle still remains.

So his youngest child is signed up to a hobby and he tells you,you can't use either accounts and YOU use YOUR leave in holidays.
Then you ask to talk like grown ups do and he tells you to go away ?
You are equals you don't need to ask don't put up with this put him right in his place .

We're in 2026 why should she have to ask her husband if it's OK she signs there child up to a hobby they been together for years ... its not the 1800's for God's sake.

One is for the bills. It works well because we know there's enough in there to cover the bills regardless of what we spend from the second account.

We have and if you know anything about narcissists you'll know discussing things into oblivion rarely helps.

We have serious issues but he will argue black is white if it suits his narrative.

Why do you get up at the weekend? Will he just ignore the dc's needs?

I posted before reading your replies.. you shouldn't have to ask which account but you did because your being respectful to your husband he hasn't shown you any respect by telling you to go away.
Buying the children clothes is a necessity .
I was in a relationship in which he was controlling with money when it came to clothes for myself the children etc lots of different things .. I've since long left my sons are young men.
Do you ever feel your not really living like you want to be for you .. don't let him bully you if your feeling relief when he is ok it sounds to me like you walk on egg shells at times x

I wouldn't have needed to ask my DH. I would just have filled in the DD form but would have used the non-bills account.

If you have to ask, then maybe you should be asking about more things in your marriage.

ETA: I earn around a third of what my DH does. We only have one joint savings account. All the bills come from my account and my DH gives me more than enough to cover 3/4's of the bills. He is keen to ensure that I have enough of "my own money" to buy what I want.

Then why ask which account to use

if one is do household bills then surely anything else will be from other account

I mean I get up for the hobby. He will get up to give them breakfast almost as much as I do.

i know you from the tv threads blondes but this is a really pointless comment