I don't think I am but... (family expenses)

[KnowtheAnswer]

DH and I have been married for ten years and together longer. We have young DC. I have signed the youngest up for a hobby, which is something I also do, and today I was looking to fill in the DD form. I asked him which of of two joint accounts we should use. He said neither because this hobby is nothing to do with him. I was surprised as one of the accounts is one we use for family expenses like clothes, food, days out, so that's the one he said I should use before then questioning why he is paying for this.

For context, we have a joint account for all the bills, into which we each pay 50% of the amount needed. We have a second joint account we each pay £500 into which we use for food, joint expenses, days out, meals, schools trips, anything we do together.

For further context, I am default parent as many mothers are, which means I usually book holiday club or book annual leave and then I arrange to take them out or see friends or just work with them at home if I really need to. If I take them out in the holidays or on weekends I generally pay on the basis it's, for example, a meal which I've had with them or met friends. I think there's an argument I shouldn't have to use my annual leave AND pay for entertaining the DC.

He has form for being an arse actually told me to go away and leave him alone when I tried to talk to him about this. I do believe he's unreasonable and a bit of a narcissist generally but is he right on this?

Which account you use for this club is the least of your worries.
it seems you may be married to someone who isn’t very kind. Is he controlling in other ways? Does he care about your needs and validate your feelings?

Clothing his children is 'nothing to do with him'?

Crikey.

@MasterBeth

"separate accounts in marriage stuff is silly to me" presuming you and your partner are sensible spenders though.

If you have one of the pair that's a total spendthrift, wasting family resources on unnecessaries, then separating finances seem more sensible.

@KnowtheAnswer obviously the payment should come out of whichever joint family account you deem most appropriate.

Same here. I too don’t get all this separate stuff.

I share all finances with DH so this issue doesn’t arise, but what kind of father begrudges paying for a hobby for their own DC? Unless it’s something ruinously expensive.

He should pay half of all costs to do with the children and household. Fine, talk to him first, but it shouldn’t just be on you to pay for.

It's so incredibly depressing 😞.

@Freya1542 Yes, but I think it would be crazy to marry someone without a broadly similar attitude to money as you have.

I would simply pay for anything to do with the children out of one or other of the joint accounts without asking him. They are his children, too, so he needs to meet the cost of them.

I'm not sure why you asked him in the first place? This is HIS child. Therefore, costs related to that child come from the joint account (not the one for regular bills like gas etc). I hope you ignored him and took the money out of the account anyway.

I also disagree with those saying you should have discussed whether or not you both want the child to pursue the hobby. Unless you have a strict budget, there's absolutely no need to ask permission for a child to do a safe hobby. Child is interested, a place opens up, parents can afford it, one parent signs child up. Job done. (Yes, in a healthy relationship, talking about clubs and what you did in a day is normal, but not all relationships work like this.). If you are on a budget, I can understand the need for a discussion and both parents to agree.

'or I called him when he's playing a game '

and that says it all.

it's prob the sort of conversation you have over the breakfast table, it didn't need a phone call

but

him playing a game just shows you are not married to a responsible caring adult.

Oh fgs tell him to grow up, its family money - DH and I have a couple of accounts we both use, if I took 30 quid out of an account every month for a child's hobby he wouldn't even bat an eyelid. Any big purchases are discussed, but something like this he is being ridiculous.

I think it's odd that you felt you had to ask him which account to pay the fees from - I would have just done it. But then, my DH wouldn't be precious about which pot of money we paid for a hobby from - our money is family money that we pay for everything from 🤷‍♀️

or I called him when he's playing a game

Fucking ICK.

The idea of being married and not sharing everything you have just seems so weird to me. Did either of you actually pay attention to the meaning of the vows you said?

He sounds like a total arse.

Just use the joint bank details. And start planning your escape.

I think it's odd you didn't discuss signing up for the club before you did it.
But, on the basis you didn't, it's odd you then did want to discuss which account it got paid for since you clearly have a joint account for child related expenses, so if one doesn't warrant discussion than neither does the other.

Were you also asking to pay your own hobby costs out of the joint account? We have a financial set up like yours and I would agree with your DH that does not come out of the joint account.

Time and time again, I wonder why people have horrible, impersonal set ups for families. Counting every penny, comparing who pays what.

Why not, I dont know, have a joint account for everything based on the fact you are a family, and are raising children together? Such a novel idea.

Wow...his attitude is totally unacceptable. You really need to stop paying more than your share across the board ..especially if you are paying transport and giving your annual leave to do his 50% of the childcare too.
Maybe he will learn how incredibly generous you've been?

The answers simple it might allow someone dangerous access to your financial stability

It's a shared expense, end of story. You pay for yourself, you share your kids expenses. It's not even a question, he's in the wrong.

I just don't understand how women agree to these shitty arrangements at all. Money in one pot if you are one family. Values and goals financially (and otherwise) aligned. Slightly different for blended families but you are not.

He is a twat. He is happy for your resources - time, money, emotional effort, womb - to be communal while his money, and time, remain his own.

Your life will be so much happier when you leave this selfish, insufferable cunt @KnowtheAnswer .

You know your marriage is dead in the water @KnowtheAnswer ?

I think the more pertinent question is what is your plan going forwards?

Because what works for one doesn't work for another. By the time I got married we were both adults with established financial independence. It's my business of we want to maintain that. Autonomy shouldn't be novel either.

So many mumsnetters and their kids living in unhappy family homes. And the cycle goes on and on because the kids grow up knowing no better.