I don't think I am but... (family expenses)

[KnowtheAnswer]

DH and I have been married for ten years and together longer. We have young DC. I have signed the youngest up for a hobby, which is something I also do, and today I was looking to fill in the DD form. I asked him which of of two joint accounts we should use. He said neither because this hobby is nothing to do with him. I was surprised as one of the accounts is one we use for family expenses like clothes, food, days out, so that's the one he said I should use before then questioning why he is paying for this.

For context, we have a joint account for all the bills, into which we each pay 50% of the amount needed. We have a second joint account we each pay £500 into which we use for food, joint expenses, days out, meals, schools trips, anything we do together.

For further context, I am default parent as many mothers are, which means I usually book holiday club or book annual leave and then I arrange to take them out or see friends or just work with them at home if I really need to. If I take them out in the holidays or on weekends I generally pay on the basis it's, for example, a meal which I've had with them or met friends. I think there's an argument I shouldn't have to use my annual leave AND pay for entertaining the DC.

He has form for being an arse actually told me to go away and leave him alone when I tried to talk to him about this. I do believe he's unreasonable and a bit of a narcissist generally but is he right on this?

This kind of situation ultimately resulted in my divorce.
My ex husband refused to contribute financially to anything that didn’t specifically benefit him.

Has he ever driven a financial decision that didn’t specifically benefit you?
Would he always use personal funds in this situation?

Use the joint account. Don’t apologise.

Because breaking up a family is not something to be done lightly. Surprisingly people do not always show their true colours until it’s too late.

You don't need his permission to use your joint family expenses account for family expenses. Simply proceed.

OP, start playing the long game then.
Get planning.
Tell family and friends who will quietly support you.
Grow more independent of him.

Great, by your husband’s logic I shouldn’t have to pay for any of my children’s hobbies because I’m not partaking in them - they’re therefore nothing to do with me. I can’t wait to tell the providers they should give my children the sessions for free!

He’s got a good deal here at your expense. You contribute 50:50 to the financial pot whilst doing the lion’s share of childcare.

Being brutally honest, he doesnt sound like a good man. Of course your child’s hobby should be a joint expense (assuming he is the child’s father).

I dont understand trying to maintain separate finances after children. I think it can often lead to financial abuse of the primary carer.

Another selfish git
Play the long game OP.
Start squirrelling money away in an account he doesn't know about. Maybe a sibling will let you use an account of theirs.
I can't imagine you want to live with him forever so get planning. You may put up with it for longer, as I did, as you don't want kids coming from a broken home but eventually you eill have had enough

Another man who is vaguely aware of short people running about the house but no real engagement or understanding they are 50% his responsibility.

So unless you are under financial strain and he is worried about the cost (he should have said) then as the child is 50% his he is liable to contribute to the cost (whether or not he does it).

25yrs married, two kids now adults, never once did I ask re children’s activities and never once did my husband begrudge a penny spent on his children or me…all money into a joint account and all bills out of joint account. There was never any arrangement as to who pays in what, who can spend what…we were a unit, a team…we worked together to create the best life for us and the children..I couldn’t marry or have kids with anyone who counted pennies with his family..

Sorry, you lost me at 2 joint accounts and paying for days out out of your own pocket. You’re married ffs. You’re a family. Of course all family related costs should be shared. As should looking after the kids during the holidays. Your husband is an arse and you’re enabling his stupid behaviour by going along with it.

Why does your husband think your DD hobbies are "nothing to do with him"?

It’s to do with him because it’s his child! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why are you still married to this man - he sounds truly awful

I agree with this.

Our youngest does dance and horse riding which I pay for myself. I enrolled her in dance as her big sister had did the classes when she was younger so my choice, my expense. I had a horse and very much love another so when she said she would like to I jumped at the chance and signed her up, again my expense. Her dad feels swimming is important to learn so he signed her up/pays for those because that was his choice.

edit this was meant to reply to someone but hasn't worked!

this

I still don't understand how families operate financially like this.

Surely you are building a life together, so all monies goes into one pot and is then just spent as a family?

I think it depends on the hobby and whether it was discussed beforehand tbh!

I wouldn’t have even asked. Of course, it comes from the family account. It’s a family expense.

I also put all days out, coffee and cake, parking on days out through the joint account. My personal hobbies come out of my own account. But me parenting the children so Dh can work is not a personal expense.

Oh my days some of the husbands on here! First off, the massive finances red flag (caveat, if you're skint or have had long chats about budgeting or have money worries or are trying to save he might have a small point). Clearly this is a family expense, everything for the children should come from a joint pot and even the way you both carefully pay 50/50 in just seems a bit depressing and not like a partnership/teamwork to me. In my house my husband earns significantly more than me, it's our money, it's always been our money. That's because legally our assets and finances are shared but more importantly our lives are shared, yes he earns more but I also bring value in other ways. The idea of him withholding family finances is horrendous, it borders on financial abuse. We earn money for the family and we each trust each other to spend it on whatever we need/want appropriately.

Secondly- "as many mothers do". Maybe we do, but we shouldn't. If you both work similar hours then childcare, clubs, holidays, housework should be shared. They're his kids too. If you're having to organise all of this stuff and then he has the audacity to get shitty about what you've organised. No words. If you split, he'd have to sort all of this out and pay for whatever occurs on his time or child support.

Personally I'd question what this man adds to your life, it doesn't sound like he's kind or generous, it doesn't sound like he supports you with childcare, family life or is a good dad, it also doesn't sound like you like him that much. What do you lose without him? What are you gaining through his presence?

I think it's slightly different if you each take the DC to different hobbies and pay for it but in our case he doesn't do that and he wouldn't.

He did say, afterwards, that he didn't object to paying for it out of the JA.

Yes, I was trying to reply to a comment which made the point it is a joint expense unless very expensive and/or not discussed. Its shit of him, especially as they have a joint account which seems to be specifically for such things!

Did you talk to him before you signed the child up? Expenses, timings, fairness to other children?

This isn't normal at all especially to be so angry about something for his DC. Me and DP share everything we earn and everything comes out the same pot.
DP has signed up for 3 baby classes a week as hes on a long paternity and I didn't even blink 😅 its not as if you're even asking for money for yourself? It's his child.

YANBU at all. You call him DH and I hope that means you’re legally married so have fewer concerns over long term finances, but I urge you to focus on your long term earning capacity- this marriage isn’t going to last past your kids being at home (and maybe not that long), you want to be in a position to have a good life and help your kids out in 10/20 years time.

Ok you need to stop doing this. He is being unreasonable but things like this enable him to be unreasonable. Children’s expenses are joint and your time parenting should be joint.

honestly he sounds like he adds nothing