I don't think I am but... (family expenses)

[KnowtheAnswer]

DH and I have been married for ten years and together longer. We have young DC. I have signed the youngest up for a hobby, which is something I also do, and today I was looking to fill in the DD form. I asked him which of of two joint accounts we should use. He said neither because this hobby is nothing to do with him. I was surprised as one of the accounts is one we use for family expenses like clothes, food, days out, so that's the one he said I should use before then questioning why he is paying for this.

For context, we have a joint account for all the bills, into which we each pay 50% of the amount needed. We have a second joint account we each pay £500 into which we use for food, joint expenses, days out, meals, schools trips, anything we do together.

For further context, I am default parent as many mothers are, which means I usually book holiday club or book annual leave and then I arrange to take them out or see friends or just work with them at home if I really need to. If I take them out in the holidays or on weekends I generally pay on the basis it's, for example, a meal which I've had with them or met friends. I think there's an argument I shouldn't have to use my annual leave AND pay for entertaining the DC.

He has form for being an arse actually told me to go away and leave him alone when I tried to talk to him about this. I do believe he's unreasonable and a bit of a narcissist generally but is he right on this?

I’m female.

im also autistic fwiw.

I don’t know what the side eye “telling” means?

I wouldn’t like it. I’d expect a discussion before the kid started going around the money aspect, the fairness to others in the family and the time commitments.

I don’t think he’s necessarily wrong to have said you made the decision you sort it. He may well be an arse in other ways but budget and money is a discussion - yes, even around clothes.

Not married but I have a long term partner and yes, very.

edit for spelling and to ask why on Earth that is a relevant question?

I’d expect a discussion before the kid started going around the money aspect, the fairness to others in the family and the time commitments

i would trust that my partner had considered all this before signing them up!

Children?

I would expect that to have been discussed before signing a child up.

Yes. Three. Why is this relevant?

Why would it need to have been discussed?

is every child related decision in your household discussed?

My partner come home, who does the lions share of everything for the children, tells me that she has signed up our child for a hobby they love…. I’m not going to be very pissed off as you would be @Montink

and for that - I am very thankful for

Yes I have children. I have three.

and yes, discussions around children’s activities happen before the children are signed up in my house (they did - kids are older now). I wouldn’t ever have signed one of the kids up for anything without a discussion.

discussions around budgets also happen(ed) and discussions around new clothes for the children.

Start billing him monthly for all the 'default parenting' youre doing. Include expenses such as the days wages lost while youre doing all the holiday parenting. Would probably bankrupt the fool.

Or you could just divorce the childish self-centred loser. Grumpy because you interupted him playing games says so much. Life will be so much brighter without this numpty dragging you down.

Why even ask him as it’s clear which bank acct covers those expenses ?

What a prince you married. No. Not right. Probably wants a new big boy toy and resents money spent on the kids.

Why on earth was my reply deleted??

All I said was was @Montink should reread the op because the relationship doesn’t share anything in common with how @Montink describes her own relationship

This ^
I always discussed DD’s clubs/ outings etc with DH before signing her up - I didn’t if it’s one off thing after school but I did if it’s about a commitment, time and money wise and I was (and is) generally interested in his opinion.
However I couldn’t imagine my DH reacting like yours in this situation.

Very good.

We have a dog, he's my dog really not my husband's. I do a few dog related activities with him- running, obedience, tracking etc. Then there is dog walker, food and vet costs. My husband loves the dog and helps walk him and stuff, but ultimately he is an expensive hobby of mine. My husband insists all of these costs come out of the joint account. I can't imagine being with a partner that wouldn't treat their child and it's costs like my husband treats my dog. My dog is just that, a dog, not even a child and my husband wouldn't even question if I took £30 a month for another dog activity.

Is the hobby expense big like buying ponies for your children?
if not then why do you have to ask you should just have put it through as joint account or his account ?

nothing excuses his rudeness and verbal abuse.
he’s is 100% in the wrong here

Well why have kids/ live with someone who can rip you off?

Sounds odd. Has he got something
going on financially he does not want you to know about. Debt, secret lifestyle?
Get to the bottom of this. Not healthy.

Its a monthly payment of £30 so it doesn't matter how many times we go.

Thanks for the replies and yes I think he's a narcissist for the record. Not sure why I stay other than I don't want him to take the DC which I think he would fight for 50% just so he didn't have to pay CMS.

Also I find it so stressful that I somehow just feel relieved when he starts acting like a normal person.

What a truly horrible environment for your children