Struggling with response to friend re circumcision

[cultureclash]

A close friend of mine gave birth a week ago and she messaged me yesterday to tell me that her son has just been circumcised with crying faces and that she is an emotional wreck. I was shocked at this as it’s not something we have ever spoke about before so I enquired as to is her son ok and did he have some medical issues and she said no, cultural reasons. I kept the responses short and factual but Aibu that I struggled to show any compassion or empathy for her that she has just paid over £200 to have bits chopped off her precious newborn baby and she is more upset for herself than the pain that she has just put her newborn infant through. I am suprised at how strongly I have reacted to this, I just cannot imagine doing this to my baby. Aibu to feel like this? I obviously would never voice my opinions to her and cause upset but I am struggling with my own emotions around this.

Which culture

Does it matter?

Neither of them are from traditional cultural backgrounds where this is common.

Cultural reasons + your friend being an emotional wreck = maybe it wasnt her choice? Does she need your support rather than your condemnation?

I also wouldn’t say anything, but I’d be letting the friendship cool. I view non medical circumcision of tiny babies as child abuse.

YANBU - it’s barbaric in this day and age. I would lose respect for any parent who willing did this for non medical reasons.

But you don’t have to understand it, surely, far less approve. I wouldn’t inflict an unnecessary medical procedure on my newborn either, but male circumcision worldwide is about one third of all men, so it’s not wildly unusual. There’s a very high rate of circumcision in the US, for instance. When I lived in the US aeons ago, I’m not sure I ever slept with an uncircumcised man.

It should be banned for non medical reasons

I think I'd message back saying you don't agree with circumcising and infant and she'll have to seek support elsewhere.

Or not acknowledge what she's saying at all and change the subject every time.

This. The question about culture is important but I’d struggle to be friends with anyone who mutilated their child for vanity.

Absolutely.

You’re reacting strongly because most people have a very strong instinct to protect babies from harm. You’re probably shocked because you didn’t realise your friend was someone who would deliberately cause harm to any baby. Tbh, I don’t think I could help saying something: “I think elective circumcision should be illegal so it’s probably best if we dont talk about it”.

I’m Jewish and I think that male circumcision (without medical reasons) should be completely outlawed with severe punishments for anyone going through the back door. It turns my stomach and I don’t care who’s offended, online or IRL, but I’m forthcoming with my views about this no matter who it is.

Nobody’s faith gives them a right to harm a child. No exceptions.

Quite aside from the fact that cutting off children's healthy body parts is unethical, why did she do it if she's so upset about it, and if neither she nor the father are from cultures that practise it?

It doesn't make any sense at all.

Touchy subject?

Fgm is also a cultural practise yet we don't having any qualms seeing that as abusive. Circumcision without medical reason is vile.

I think it has come more from the father tbh.

No, I don’t understand why anyone would even ask. There is never any non-medical justification for the procedure.

I would separate judgement from it, in the interests of understanding. Any response that is telling her what to do/not do/should/shouldn’t do is unlikely to advance a conversation or resolve anything at all.

I’d reply saying something along the lines of, ‘oh gosh, why did you do it?’.

No extra exclamation marks as you want to find out not tell her she was wrong/stupid/cruel.

You know why you think the way you do. Do you want to know what was behind the choice she made? It’s possible there was a ‘good’ reason historically, or that she simply didn’t question it.

We were offered one as DS had a mild hypospadius. It would have ‘tidied things up’ for him, but wasn’t medically necessary so we didn’t do it.

So it seems that your friend is upset because the father of her child has pressured/coerced her into having the baby circumcised, and she regrets allowing it?

I have just googled his culture and I don’t realise that they actively practise it as it is not one of the more well known ones (not Jewish or Muslim). That explains it.

YANBU to struggle with your emotions over this, but YWBU to shame your friend. Part of my family and DH's are from cultures where this is common and we have chosen not to, as we are against it. It caused a real rift for quite some time and MIL has never really forgiven me, because of course I as someone not brought up in that culture am to blame, of course. Do not underestimate the power that cultural and familial traditions and expectations can hold over people and how difficult it can be to resist. We came under enormous pressure, and the procedure itself and the impact was minimised, people presented it to us as no big deal, no, nobody has problems, it's better for the baby, etc. We knew better, but not everyone does. It's also possible that there are parts of her or DH's cultural/family background you don't fully know about.

I dunno, if it was non medical I feel like someone needs to be in that baby's life in some way thats looking out for him 😔

Is the father American?

Literally none of your business. Offer her emotional support as a friend and keep your judgement out of it.