AIBU? Is this inappropriate?

[Maggymaggy]

I have 3 DS. 2 live with me full time and don’t see their dads aged 10 and 12. The other is 14 and he stays at mine on a Monday night. I had him very young when I was just 17 and his dad was 18. He is close with him brothers and they regularly play together online.

About a week ago they were on video playing games and my eldest had his SM come in the room. He muted so they could chat and she sat on his bed whilst they talked. I felt sick to think of her sat on my DS bed but decided I was just silly.

Last week during half term she picked him up from mine on Tuesday as he wasn’t at school. When he came down she kissed him on the forehead and he give her a massive hug. It made me feel sick this random woman kissing and hugging my son. He then rubbed her belly and asked how she’s feeling, I feel sick just thinking about it.

Then last night they were playing again and she was in the background asleep in his bed. When I asked him about it he said she was making his bed and fell asleep and he decided to leave her. I questioned my ex about it and he said I was BU. I am fuming, why is she even in my DS bedroom?

Please tell me I’m not wrong!

Sorry OP but she's not a random woman, she's his step-mum and clearly a strong maternal influence. He clearly has a good relationship with her and I think you need to try and see it through that lens before you drive yourself mad. I always think the more people who care for our children the better.

Focus on your own relationship with your children.

These comments are so fucking unnecessary. The OP is realising her eldest is growing up rapidly and almost mourning that. This snide judgement is horrible.

The reason her eldest doesn’t live with her is a consequence of her own poor decisions and not choosing to put him first. Like it or not, they’re the facts.

Unless you change your mindset then you will end up losing him. Do you ask him anything about his week when he visits? Do you show an interest in his life away from you? Do you say anything like "have a good week and I'll see you soon" when he leaves? Or do you just shut him down if he dares mention anything about his dad and SM? Make it so he wants to see you as well as his siblings and one way to do that is to behave like an adult an not a jealous child.

Op is placing "snide judgement" on her sons poor stepmum, who has done nothing wrong but actually been a stable and supportive influence on her sons life.

She is accusing her of inappropriate behaviour, when there is nothing inappropriate going on.

And on her ex partner for doing the exact thing she has done... having more children

I actually think the comments have been pretty restrained considering the comments and accusations the OP has made against a women her child considers a mother figure.

This is too insane to be true.

Its weird that she was sleeping in his bed, yes

Of course he's making a new family! Nothing wrong with that. You don't sound very well

OP your sons step mum is his resident carer. She is raising him because he is there 6 days a week. He moved in permanently with her at 9 years old. She isnt a random woman. She is his step mother who is heavily pregnant with his younger sibling. He is showing care for her which she has probably shown for him for years. She clearly has a good relationship with him. She is the one who cooks, cleans and cares for him daily. She is the one he will go to when he is struggling and the one who wiped his tears away when he fell over or got upset for the last few years. You need to take a long hard look at yourself here because this situation may well have been off your own making.

Natural to feel this way. However, you being jealous and asking your son questions about her being on his bed etc may well drive him further away from you.

You don't want to lose your son? Then be kind, normal, stop showing jealousy, making being with you fun and warm and inviting. Enjoy the time you have when he comes over - he may even want to spend more time with you.

That's the best way imo to not lose your son. Be a mum. It's not his fault he was born when you were young, that his parents split, that his dad married, that you went on to have more children. Work with the SM and be a team regarding his care, this is what he needs. And SM sounds fab by the way, taking on a child so well that's not hers - time for you to be fab too.

And on her ex partner for doing the exact thing she has done... having more children

No, not the exact same thing. The ex partner waited until he was in a secure, stable, married relationship before he had any more children.

Are you hoping people were going to suggest she is a paedophile for sitting on your child's bed and kissing him on the head? Based on that, you're way out of order. It's not her fault you are unable to parent your son.

This must be so very hard for you and trying to sustain a relationship in the teens years is so very hard, especially when they aren't with you for very long. Added to that hit seems he is coming back to see his siblings.

Is there any time that you don't have the other two siblings and can take some time out to take your eldest out on his own, say once or twice a month?

I used to purposely take my dd2 out of the house at this age and found then she would talk, its tricky but asking open questions and finding out more about them can be done, listening is the key with prompts to start them talking

remember we have different relationships with all our children and those relationships change over time, your relationship will change, just don't push it to much with a teenager and keep the door very wide open

Of course they would. A stepfather being 8 months pregnant? It would be on the BBC within the hour.

You should be happy his SM loves and cares for him. My DS’s SM was awful to them when they were young, it broke my heart. I would have been over the moon if they’d had a lovely SM.

When I asked him about it he said she was making his bed and fell asleep and he decided to leave her

If he's 14 and she's 8 months pregnant he should be making his own bed.
If you suggest that to him it won't happen again.

She didn’t post about that though , did she? Or asking how to reconnect with him. She posted hoping everyone will start slagging off the SM and making (not so) veiled insinuations that the SM is some kind of weirdo/pervert.

Yep. No accountability at all, just jealousy and insinuations against her ex and his wife, who look after him.

She's not getting some slack, she's getting some stick, and quite rightly.

We can't always help our feelings, but as adults we can change them, especially when they are negative and unreasonable - we just have to be mature and realistic.

OP is jealous. Her posts stink of jealousy, but I guess you're trying to appeal to her better nature.

And it's a good idea to try to spend some more one-to-one time with her son, but it might not bring the outcome that you seem to be guaranteeing. It depends on whether the OP is a compassionate, warm person that the son would enjoy spending more time with.

I don't believe in sugar coating responses when someone really needs to make fundamental changes in their thinking.

Yeah sorry , meant stick, & to cut her some slack .

Hopefully they will form a close bond again , that they work on their relationship together.