AIBU? Is this inappropriate?

[Maggymaggy]

I have 3 DS. 2 live with me full time and don’t see their dads aged 10 and 12. The other is 14 and he stays at mine on a Monday night. I had him very young when I was just 17 and his dad was 18. He is close with him brothers and they regularly play together online.

About a week ago they were on video playing games and my eldest had his SM come in the room. He muted so they could chat and she sat on his bed whilst they talked. I felt sick to think of her sat on my DS bed but decided I was just silly.

Last week during half term she picked him up from mine on Tuesday as he wasn’t at school. When he came down she kissed him on the forehead and he give her a massive hug. It made me feel sick this random woman kissing and hugging my son. He then rubbed her belly and asked how she’s feeling, I feel sick just thinking about it.

Then last night they were playing again and she was in the background asleep in his bed. When I asked him about it he said she was making his bed and fell asleep and he decided to leave her. I questioned my ex about it and he said I was BU. I am fuming, why is she even in my DS bedroom?

Please tell me I’m not wrong!

He's not just rubbing her belly is he?
If my sons wanted to rub my belly i would discourage it aa its odd
But its her pregnant belly ,pregnant with HIS sibling ,context is everything.

If it was a 2 bedroomed house the oldest boy could have had 1 bedroom, the younger 2 shared and the OP sleep in the living room if she'd wanted him to stay.

I'd love to know who the 1 in 20 people who think you're not being unreasonable are!

I think kissing depends on the family and how tactile the family is. I don't think there is anything wrong with a kiss on the head, its not an inappropriate place to give someone a kiss . I'm not a touchy feely person at all but my bil is for example, and he pretty much says goodbye to all of us with a big hug and kiss to the forehead.

Its not the fact that op has made bad relationship choices that make me think she is wrong ..she is letting her feelings cause animosity where there shouldn't be and quite frankly is hypocritical. Her feelings are going to impact the relationship she has with her son if she isn't careful and she needs to accept that and concentrate on what she can do instead of blaming everyone else

I still hug and kiss my 14 year old and my 12 year old. So does their step mum who has been around for years. How is that weird? Unless you’re from a family that doesn’t do affection.

I remember being pregnant and exhausted, doing chores, feeling a bit dizzy and having to sit down and then waking up an hour later as a just dozed off. It happens. I also remember being an tween and visiting my parent’s friend. She was pregnant and had 2 kids already. Her husband was at work that night and we were all sitting downstairs having dinner. She went up to check on one of her kids who was playing in her room and she didn’t come back down. My mum found her sleeping on her daughter’s bed. Looks like she sat down to chat to her kid, then fell asleep sort of sideways!

Really not sure what you think is weird. The OP is the one who had made mistakes and strange choices given her circumstances.

“She is 8 months pregnant which annoys me anyway it’s like he’s trying to make a new family.”

Why do you feel so strongly that she is pregnant? You do sound rather consumed with your ex’s relationship to the point of being jealous…….not a pleasant trait.

Direct her frustration at the council?

What absolute nonsense.

Why can’t people take responsibility for their own actions and life choices instead of expecting someone else to take care of them?

We all have a responsibility to only produce children we can afford to house and care for.

You are jealous and that’s totally understandable, however, you need to accept this is a “you’ problem.
It’s really positive that your son is living in a happy environment and that he has a good relationship with his step mum. It’s also really great he wants to spend time with his brothers.
You need to recognise your jealousy for what it is and put it to one side and attempt to create something special with your son. Be welcoming to the step mum and the new baby and be someone who is a loved, trusted and steady presence in your sons life.

Why the hell shouldn’t your ex make a new family? You’ve had other kids with other men. Sounds like you’re jealous that he’s got a stable relationship with her, and that your son is fully part of this family.

OP l could kind of see that you were worried about possibly inappropriate contact between them but this post blew any suggestion of impropriety out of the water. Of course your ex has moved on and made a new family, while you’ve had two more children with two different men and clearly the relationships haven’t worked out.

Your eldest wanted to live with his dad because he had no privacy in your home, which is understandable, but it sounds to me as though his dad and step mum are providing a stable and loving home for him, he’s fully engaged with that and he's looking forward to having another sibling.

I think you’ve realised that he’s growing up to be the product of an environment very different to the one you provide, and you’re feeling unsure and not a little jealous as a result. Try to see things from his point of view. He’s happy and secure. Isn’t that the most important consideration here ?

You sound bitter and jealous of your son and the SM. He is old enough to have his own relationships

Why is it OK for you to get pregnant by three separate men, but not OK for your ex's wife of 7 years to get pregnant?

Focus on quality time when you have contact with your 14yo son, OP.

It's great that he has many adults in his life who care about him & are helping him grow up. They complement not replace each other.

@Maggymaggy , there are so many things wrong listed in your post but not one of them is anything to do with the behaviour of your son's step mother. You broke up with your son's father, so denying him of what he might see as a "proper" family, then when he was 2 you brought a random man into his life and produced another child, then when he was 4 you introduced yet another random man and produced another child. Can you not see that that was really not the best start in life for him? And yet that's what you gave him. He's settled and happy by the sounds of it. Why aren't you happy for him? You should be grateful that he obviously feels safe and happy with his father and his step mother.
Put the effort in to improve your relationship with him if that's what you really want, but it will be a slog. Are you capable of that?
By the way can you not see how ridiculous you look, saying it makes you annoyed that they are having a baby, after 7 years together? Annoyed? Really? I can only think that the person you are really jealous of is your ex, because he's with someone he loves and can plan with and they are settled and happy. His wife is just a convenient whipping boy. Frankly, your son sounds more mature than you do.

Op, you just have to accept it is normal to feel jealous he obviously has a good relationship with her. If is not ok to blame her or suggest anything is inappropriate.
Just be pleased he is loved and has a happy home life there.

You're jealous. Your son is close to his stepmum, that's nice I think not worrying. Try to look at it from your son's point of view. Rather than trying to reduce something good in his life to make yourself feel better.

@Maggymaggy it's ok to miss him but its amazing he has such a stable home life.

You say you had him young but you then had another one 2 years later with another dad and then another two years later with yet another dad.

This boy has a loving stable home and you should be happy for him. You cannot offer him that stability as you chose to have two more kids that you didn't have space for. That's not his fault. His decision is logical and sensible. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He is choosing the more stable environment.

If they'd been appropriately housed her son wouldn't have moved out. The OPs house has been too small for 8 years. I do not believe that's good enough.

Yes yabu.

Your sad and scared that she has replaced you.

Your annoyed and jelous ex has moved on and your teen dc is happy to have a new sibling and cares about his step mum

Get some counselling to help you manage these emotions

Well, I accidentally clicked 'you are not being unreasonable' when I absolutely do think this sounds batshit unreasonable and insanely jealous, so there may be one or two other idiots who clicked in error like me!

She is 8 months pregnant which annoys me anyway it’s like he’s trying to make a new family.

In that case, he would only be following your lead since you had two more kids with other men after your eldest. What's sauce for the goose, surely?

The stepmother is likely the primary care giver in his life, so makes sense that he has a close relationship with her. She's not some "rando". If anything, you should tell your son to make his own damn bed and not leave it to an 8 month pregnant woman.

You can change your vote? It's not set in concrete.

Regardless of what you beleive ,there is a national shortage of socisl housing ,if the Op hadent had a further two children in euck succession she wouldnt be overcrowded
I say this as somone living in social housing not big enough for my families needs due yo my youngest sons severe disabilities.

Yes exactly, we don’t know what their interaction entailed. He might have come in for a hug (normal) and she said: oh, baby is kicking, and he then put his hands on her belly to feel the movements (also normal).

But where does a parents responsibility lie in ensuring they can adequately house their children?

Op could have given her kids all a bedroom each and slept in the lounge? She could have privately rented if she wanted a bigger home?

The responsibility for housing does not only lie with the council.

Op bares responsibility also and until she stops blaming the wrong people (stepmum, council) and looks at herself and the things she can control, things will not change and she risks negatively impacting her relationship with her son