AIBU? Is this inappropriate?

[Maggymaggy]

I have 3 DS. 2 live with me full time and don’t see their dads aged 10 and 12. The other is 14 and he stays at mine on a Monday night. I had him very young when I was just 17 and his dad was 18. He is close with him brothers and they regularly play together online.

About a week ago they were on video playing games and my eldest had his SM come in the room. He muted so they could chat and she sat on his bed whilst they talked. I felt sick to think of her sat on my DS bed but decided I was just silly.

Last week during half term she picked him up from mine on Tuesday as he wasn’t at school. When he came down she kissed him on the forehead and he give her a massive hug. It made me feel sick this random woman kissing and hugging my son. He then rubbed her belly and asked how she’s feeling, I feel sick just thinking about it.

Then last night they were playing again and she was in the background asleep in his bed. When I asked him about it he said she was making his bed and fell asleep and he decided to leave her. I questioned my ex about it and he said I was BU. I am fuming, why is she even in my DS bedroom?

Please tell me I’m not wrong!

i’m glad he’s got her because you sound terrible.

I remember one very similar.

How positive that she's checking in whilst he's playing computer games. Monitoring his online safety and having a good relationship with him. She's obviously making sure he feels part of the family with new baby.

Oh....no actually she should just show no interest, give him unmonitored online time and let him get groomed etc. Also not include him in her pregnancy so he also feels pushed out by father as he does his mother.

Get a grip.

She didn't.. if I have the timings correct her ither two are 12 and 10 and he left 9 years ago so they're his but they don't see him. I think.

Of course you miss him. But you can’t turn that perfectly reasonable and understandable emotion into what you’re doing here. What do you want for your son - a close relationship with his step mother, who is now mother to his sibling? Or to feel unwanted and pushed out by a step mum who has a new baby?
You should be relieved that it looks like she is close to him.

No, he got together with the step mum 9 yrs ago. OP says her eldest son is his father’s only child.

OP I think you're struggling with two things..one is reasonable and one is not. The U one is being upset with him starting a new family given the time / age gap. He has been with this woman a long time and your sons are far from babies.
The reasonable one is feeling g distant from him.but part of tbat is just the natural consequence of him being older. My teen son lives with me full time but spends most time in his room. You may find he comes round more when the newborn arrives and is screaming house down but I strongly recommend you are nothing but pleasant about his sm and new sibling as he obviously cares for her, which is perfectly ok.

Try reading the OP again. The 3 children all have different fathers. The ex has been with his wife for 9 years.

This is crazy. It's ok for you to have three kids but your ex isn't allowed another one? Would you prefer your son to live with a cold and unloving stepmother?
If you don't like him living at his dad's, can you get a better paid job and move somewhere bigger?

There was a very similar post a few weeks ago… language, writing style etc the same but it was about a younger boy.

She is his mum to all intenets and purposes. You gave him up to his dad, you have a right to feel sad about that, but not angry.

She's not some random woman. Would you prefer that she treated him like a cuckoo in the nest? Maybe you still have some growing up to do.

You resent your ex for creating another family and having more children.

Isn’t that exactly what you have done?

I can’t tell you you’re not wrong because you are wrong.

You chose to have more children and "made a new family" - why shouldn’t your ex do the same?
His stepmother is not "a random woman". She’s the woman who looks after him most of the time, and has done so for years. It sounds like they have a good relationship. Would you prefer it if they didn’t, and he was unhappy?

I'll be charitable and assume that your post is just rage-bait.

I think you need to be thankful that your son has his dad who seems to be a stable and responsible parent and has provided your son with such a loving SM. You had 3 kids with 3 different men in the space of 4 years and now you can't afford to house them all. It doesn't exactly paint great picture of you and your capability to be a positive role model. I get that you are jealous of their relationship, but you have created this situation. You could have just had your oldest then waited until you were in a long-term and stable relationship where you had the resources to take care your child before adding more, but you chose to do things differently. Don't begrudge your son love and stability just because you have messed up.

Your mistake was allowing a 9 year old to leave your house and live his dad. A 9 year old wanting privacy? That doesn’t sit right.

anyhow now you are jealous. she’s effectively his mum and all the things you described I do to my teen. God I kiss his forehead about a million times and always get in his bed if I’m chatting to him
and he’s gaming. Work on getting a better relationship with him, that’s not once per week.

Then repair the relationship instead of trying to ruin the one he has with his SM!

YABU for being annoyed that his step mum is pregnant. That has nothing to do with you.

YABU to bring up the fact his step mum was in his room to your ex. That has nothing to do with you.

YABU for having more children than you could offer privacy and space for in your home and then wondering why one chose to leave.

Ah yes, apologies, I'd just woken up. Indeed, tbat certainly makes her stance re the new family completely unreasonable. V

So it's ok for you too have moved on and have two more kids in quick succession with 2? More Dads but not for your ex to have a long term stable relationship and hsve another child ?

What’s wrong with a 9 YO wanting privacy?

The OP has said her other two children don’t see their Dads (plural) meaning her eldest son had to put up with living with at least two new men in his home at a young age and having to share a bedroom with his two half brothers.

If he was finding more peace and stability at his father’s home why should he be able to voice that he wants to live there?

It sounds like he is well loved and supported. That’s a good thing. Life is tough and the more people wanting the best for him the better.

This is weird and I can’t believe people are trying to pretend it’s not.

I wouldn’t have dreamed of rubbing my DM or DFs belly at 14, never mind them sleeping in my bed!

The fact she’s a SM makes it even more creepy. I bet people would be in uproar if it was a stepdad doing this to a stepdaughter.

I don't think op made a mistake...going to live with his dad was the best thing for the son.

He has a stable home with his dad and stepmum and the space that he wants, rather than sharing a room with his 2 brothers.

Nothing wrong with a child living with their dad if they offer a stable, loving home, just the same as a child may live with mum and only see dad once a week. If thats the best thing for the child and they are happy, then what's wrong with that?

She’s not a random woman she’s his step mum who has been in his life for 9 years.

She’s heavily pregnant and about to birth his new sibling.

it’s a warm and loving relationship. This is a good thing not a bad thing.

you are still his mum which is a different relationship.

YABVU

You've posted about this before. You like to twist things because she highlights just how bad a mother you are.