AIBU? Is this inappropriate?

[Maggymaggy]

I have 3 DS. 2 live with me full time and don’t see their dads aged 10 and 12. The other is 14 and he stays at mine on a Monday night. I had him very young when I was just 17 and his dad was 18. He is close with him brothers and they regularly play together online.

About a week ago they were on video playing games and my eldest had his SM come in the room. He muted so they could chat and she sat on his bed whilst they talked. I felt sick to think of her sat on my DS bed but decided I was just silly.

Last week during half term she picked him up from mine on Tuesday as he wasn’t at school. When he came down she kissed him on the forehead and he give her a massive hug. It made me feel sick this random woman kissing and hugging my son. He then rubbed her belly and asked how she’s feeling, I feel sick just thinking about it.

Then last night they were playing again and she was in the background asleep in his bed. When I asked him about it he said she was making his bed and fell asleep and he decided to leave her. I questioned my ex about it and he said I was BU. I am fuming, why is she even in my DS bedroom?

Please tell me I’m not wrong!

Perhaps it's good for him to see a stable relationship in action - if I read rightly, the 14 yr old is with his dad (and stepmum) and your other two don't see "their dads ". That's three dads. And you're moaning about 'random people' in his life 🤔🤷

I really dont know what you expect even if we go one way or the other then what?

she is very pregnant
so this is normal

YABVU.
There's absolutely nothing in appropriate in what you've wrote.
Do you not ever sit on your kids bed? This is his step mum, who he lives with.
You see him once a week, he's going to see her as the mother figure, as that's exactly what she now is.
He's rubbing her belly, as his little sibling is growing in it. It's very normal for people to touch pregnant bellys.
You can't be angry about dad having another child when you've had a further 2 yourself.
Don't be so negative, or you'll push him away further.
Try to see it as a positive that he has another person to love him, who he clearly gets on with.
You're jealous and you miss him, so do something about it and see him more.

OP writes “………She is 8 months pregnant which annoys me anyway it’s like he’s trying to make a new family. Ex got with her 9 years ago married for 7….”
You did with your two other children.
He’s allowed too.

Rejection from your teen is really tough. She isn't some random person as she's been in his life since 5 and been a mother figure. However, being all close and affectionate in front of you is bound to sting ( especially when he is pulling away from you)

Try not to take it personally from your teen, lots of teens want to push their mums away and the most effective way is by being nicer ti other people and to hurt their parent. It seems biological for lots of teens( I'm sure there will be people who say 'not my teen') as they need to separate from their parent. It will hurt for a few years, but he'll come out the other side hopefully. Keep showing up and loving him. It's hard sometimes!

As for the affection from the step mum, it's lovely that he has a good relationship with her but open affection in front of you is quite insensitive to your feelings.

If you only have him one night a week do you pay maintenance to his dad?

Well that would be very strange but you are deliberately posting out of context a 14 year old girl rubbing her stepfathers belly odd and disturbing
A 14 year old boy rubbing his stepmother's pregnant belly ,pregnant with his sibling not so much.

You’ve definitely posted about this before and you got your arse handed to you last time as well.

It's not inappropriate.

You sound jealous: "like he's trying to have a new family" he DOES have a new family. And so do you - your other 2 kids.

She's not a "random woman" she's his step mum who he clearly has a really lovely relationship, who loves him and cares for him and he about her.

I can understand you being disappointed he doesn't live with you more, but you are directing your frustration at the wrong thing, direct it at your council.

If you’d prioritised his needs rather than move in at least two more men and had two more children meaning that there wasn’t enough room for everyone, he wouldn’t have had to move out. This is a consequence of your life choices and not putting him first.

Why would op direct frustration at the council? They haven't done anything wrong. She has a secure home for her and her children.

The council can't just provide unlimited housing options for people with the number of bedrooms they choose to want. Ops children are all appropriately housed with a parent.

You need to stop with your accusations and irrational / hypocritical jealousy , otherwise you will definitely lose your son.

Would you be saying the same if it was a 14 year old stepdaughter rubbing a stepfathers belly or a stepfather falling asleep in her bed “while changing the bedding”?

When men can become pregnant and are the default bedmakers we can revisit this comment. Until that time... 🙄

I don't think it's rage bait.

I think the OP probably genuinely feels like this because she is reactive and emotionally immature.

There are red flags throughout her posts and the language she uses indicate this.

OP, focus on building the relationship you have with your son and then his relationship with others won't bother you so much.

Eg does he know you miss him.or does he also only hear that in terms of anger directed at his dad and step mum?

Or maybe she shouldn't hsve had more children than she had room for?
I live in social housing in a teo bed with two teens one with significant disabilities,
Social housing csnt just magic up houses they dont have.

She’s not a random woman she’s the woman who’s raising him

Is there anything you can do to strengthen your relationship with your oldest son OP. Have a think about how you can love him up and connect with him a bit more….make him feel special
He has a good relationship with DF and SM as you have pointed out and appears happy to be having a new sibling.

Try to put these feelings of jealousy which interfere with your relationship with him, right out of your mind and concentrate on your boy and how he is feeling. It’s not a competition…it’s just a matter of reassurance and encouragement and of letting him know how much he is loved and missed by you and his two brothers ….all in a positive way not a guilt tripping negative way. Make his visits an attractive prospect for him so the reconnects with a feeling of belonging with you all.

You are still young and have been through a lot to get where you are now with three sons. It must have been hard for you as a single mum. And these sudden feelings of mistrust and bitterness over his SM have shocked you to the core.

So it will take all your efforts to strengthen your relationship with your oldest and to really build on that going forward to keep regular and positive interactions between you all.
You would be very wise to get rid all of the feelings of resentment towards his DF and SM and their growing family if you can, in order to achieve that.
Good luck!

It sounds as if they have a lovely relationship.

Some mums would be glad of that.

Did the fathers of your other boys move in at all?

He was sharing a room with two brothers for a while?

If so, can't blame him for getting away.

I actually think it’s lovely that she loves him so much

You should be thanking her not ing her inappropriate

Wait - so YOU can have a new family and have 2 more children but your ex can’t have 1 child?

The hugging and making the bed are fine. Kissing him and letting him rub her belly seem a bit weird to me given his age. Falling asleep on his bed is more weird.

OP has made some bad choices about her relationships and I wonder if that's making people a bit too keen to side against her.

Shouldn’t you be glad he has stability? Going by your post his Dad was also young when he was born but stepped up and had almost 50:50 (as he should, I’m not praising a man for doing the basics). He then waited a while to meet someone, got into a long term relationship, married and waited until he was in his thirties with a secure home to have more children.

You are judging him for a new family when you had three children by three Dad’s in the space of 4 years, all before the age of 22, and are still in an overcrowded council house unable to provide the privacy and security your son needs. Your priority should be ensuring a strong relationship with your oldest not insulting the people he loves. A teenage boy being so affectionate and caring to his pregnant SM is actually quite sweet, he’s clearly a lovely boy with empathy for others.

You are the one who went and made a “new family” by having two other kids with two different dads in a house that doesn’t fit them all, meaning your oldest child felt sidelined and pushed out and like he had no space to live. You did that.

He lives with his dad, who is in a long term stable marriage with a woman who is clearly a good step mum, without any chaotic lifestyle. She is one of his stable, solid caregivers and he has a home with her. You aren’t quite giving him that sort of home, and you aren’t his full time caregiver anymore. Of course they have a good relationship. She is also heavily pregnant, so every behaviour you describe is pretty normal. Given that they waited several years to have kids and presumably have a home which will fit their new child, what is the issue? Your son is safe and secure there.

There is literally not issue with sitting on his bed while they chat. She is 8 months pregnant and probably sat for a minute to catch her breath then fell asleep; I know I did that!

You’re jealous of your ex for having a loving marriage and a secure life, and bringing a child into it. When you did very much the opposite. You’re jealous of this woman because she has stepped into the role of good mum. And you miss your son but what did you expect? If you keep having kids with different men then he’s had a revolving door of step dads, and a too small house with siblings.

I don’t believe this is real. You got pregnant twice more such that you had no room for your oldest to live comfortably. YOU are the one who made a new family at the expense of one of your children.

Your ex has long moved on with his life, waited until his son is settled and has a positive relationship with his wife and his having a sibling that he seems excited about. They’ve been married 7 years and you were teenage sweethearts, you’ve no right to be upset about what he does with his life unless it negatively impacts your son. This doesn’t seem to meet that criteria.

I can’t believe anyone lacks this much self awareness. Be grateful your son has another person he loves who lives with him and who loves him.

You sound very jealous. She’s not a random woman. She parents him 6 days a week which is than you do 🤷🏻‍♀️ be grateful she’s like a mum to him.