AIBU? Is this inappropriate?

[Maggymaggy]

I have 3 DS. 2 live with me full time and don’t see their dads aged 10 and 12. The other is 14 and he stays at mine on a Monday night. I had him very young when I was just 17 and his dad was 18. He is close with him brothers and they regularly play together online.

About a week ago they were on video playing games and my eldest had his SM come in the room. He muted so they could chat and she sat on his bed whilst they talked. I felt sick to think of her sat on my DS bed but decided I was just silly.

Last week during half term she picked him up from mine on Tuesday as he wasn’t at school. When he came down she kissed him on the forehead and he give her a massive hug. It made me feel sick this random woman kissing and hugging my son. He then rubbed her belly and asked how she’s feeling, I feel sick just thinking about it.

Then last night they were playing again and she was in the background asleep in his bed. When I asked him about it he said she was making his bed and fell asleep and he decided to leave her. I questioned my ex about it and he said I was BU. I am fuming, why is she even in my DS bedroom?

Please tell me I’m not wrong!

Agree with lots of posters:

• She's 8 months pregnant, so belly rubbing and asking how she's feeling is pretty normal
• A hug and a kiss on the forehead when she came to check on him is also pretty normal.
• SM falling asleep in random places in her own house, when heavily pregnant, is also normal. She might even have fallen asleep on that bed before the kid was in the room and therefore not even conscious that she would be on camera with him playing online later on. Or she might have been feeling dizzy after making the bed and decided to lay down for a bit and just dozed off. Not inappropriate either.

OP, you are focusing on her for no reason. That's only going to create a wedge between you and your son. Focus on improving your own relationship and not on the relationship he has with her or his dad. It's not a competition, don't make it one. It would be lovely for your son to have two caring women looking after him and caring for him. Why would you want him to not have that?

You’re getting some slack here OP , your feelings are valid too .
Of course you miss him , he’s your son .
I know you’re not jealous your Ex is making a new life / family with his wife , you’re feeling like your son doesn’t see you as his mom anymore & that hurts .
We would all be the same .
Can you carve out time for you guys to spend together on your own?
If it was me anyway, I’d be calling my son to ask him would he like to go get something to eat .
You need to show him you are there for him , you always will be ,& that you want to spend time with him .
You can’t go wrong then .
Good luck .

The OP should have done what responsible adults do; planned her children to the space and lifestyle she had.

Want another child? Find an appropriate home first. Can’t afford it? Then wait. She wasn’t 45 on her last chance for a child; she was a teen/early 20s with her whole life ahead of her and a decade at least to work, sort her life out, then have more children with the right person when living in an appropriate home.

You don’t just keep cramming kids in when you’ve only got 1 bedroom for them all, and then get pissy when the taxpayer won’t hand you another home.

He is having another family and has every right to. He's your child's father and has responsibility for him, but has no responsibility to you any more. They've been married 7 years, what they do with their lives is none of your business. No wonder your son doesn't like living at home, not only has he no privacy, you're making him feel bad about having a normal close relationship with his dad and stepmum. Grow up and get a grip on your jealousy or you'll have no relationship left with him.

1. You have no idea if that is true.
2. The council didn’t get OP pregnant. She had a choice every time. She chose to have more children, despite knowing there’s not enough space for them.

You can change it 😁

It is up to the us as individuals to live within our means and not keep producing children that we know we can’t afford or have room for.

Imagine if everyone had the same attitude you had and that we could just do whatever we wanted without consequences and someone else would just fix our situation.

You can easily change your vote by clicking on the other option.

Am I right that you feel it's OK for you to have other children but his dad isn't allowed to? That's a pretty odd thought process? Just why?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5488342-aibu-to-think-this-is-an-inappropriate-relationship?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Is that the similar thread pp’s think was the OP - it’s not the same.

What, tenderly rubbing his beer gut? That would hardly be the same, would it?

While It's not unheard of or impossible for a woman to prey on a teenage boy, it's far more likely that her feelings are maternal and their relationship is parent/child. It's also far less likely sinister than of the sexes were reversed.

The father, despite also being very young when he became a parent, has obviously provided his son with a stable life where he has been prioritised, which was clearly missing at his mum's. His comments (towards a parent he sees just ince a week!) don't just sound like a typical teen being 'mean', but resentful. We cam only speculated why that would be.

OP spunds horribly jealous and would be better off trying to repair the damage she's done to her relationship with her son rather resenting the parents that get it right.

No, but the writing style and language used is remarkably similar.

If they'd been appropriately housed her son wouldn't have moved out. The OPs house has been too small for 8 years. I do not believe that's good enough.

They were adequately housed until Op had two more kids.

The eldest is being housed by his dad.

The other two could be housed by their fathers if they were interested.

Your son's step mother is a protective factor in his life. You were a young mother, as lots of people are, and may not have been able to give a huge amount of time and attention to your eldest. Sometimes we don't get everything right because we're in the thick of just surviving and meeting everyone's needs.

He has had a lot of time and attention in his father's home and because of this they have developed a strong bond and seeing that may have shown you what you're missing. It's hard to develop that when there are two more siblings but your son has bonded well with his siblings, plays with them regularly and comes to see them so that is a success.

My advice would be to try and find a shared interest that you do as a family when he visits, try to show more affection in your words and actions that really show you love him. Tell him that you would have loved him to have stayed with you all those years but you understand all the things his father's house provides for him and that you miss him and look forward to his visits. It's probably obvious to you that these things are true but are they obvious to him?

A period of change is coming again for your son and it will be difficult for him to have siblings in both homes again. His step mother kissing him and being present will hopefully reassure him that there is still space and love for him and he is wanted very much by all his parents. Teenagers are harsh in their words, designed to hurt their parents, you will have to develop a thick skin and reassure him of your love and that he was always very much wanted and cherished.

Exactly.

Is it 'good enough' for a parent to keep having children they can't afford by various men? I dont. I think that's horrible, shitty parenting. The eldest kid evidently does too.

Definitely read this before and it was just as true then as it is now.

You should try and spend more time with him. You're feeling irrationally jealous of his step mum as you can see he's got a good relationship with her. It's up to you to make sure you also have a good relationship with all your children. Not act so diagusted because your ex and his partner are loving parents to your children.

God god! Would you prefer the alternative?! I am so thankful that my dc have a lovely step mum who genuinely treats them as her own. She is pleasant, kind and considerate to them.I know she takes good care of them and I will always be grateful for that.
I cannot imagine wishing that they had a shit relationship in order to satisfy my own petty jealousy . Be glad your son seems happy. This should be your goal.

I'm sorry OP, that must be hard. Realistically, he treats her like his mum because she is his mother figure for the majority of the time. I don't think his or her behaviour is inappropriate, although it is obviously difficult for you. It is unreasonable that you are annoyed about her being pregnant - she deserves to have a child of her own and it sounds like she's being a lovely stepmum to your son.

All you can do is your best to have a loving relationship with him and hope that you grow closer as he becomes an adult. Remember that he didn't ask for these circumstances, it's not his fault that you and his dad were young when you had him, didn't stay together and he now has to negotiate relationships with his parents separately, his stepmum and his brothers. He's only 14 and it's a tricky age anyway, becoming more independent and finding his place in the world. You will always be his mum and hopefully the relationship will get better once he's through these tricky teenager years.

Why can you have more children but not your ex?! You’re just jealous and you need to nip it in the bud before you ruin your relationship with your son completely

That she heavily pregnant and therefore understandably tired not being in your opening post means you are unreasonable.

I feel for you OP, but to be honest he probably sees her more as the mum and you as the step-mum, due to living arrangements. Sorry.

A kiss on the forehead and a hug is hardly SA. Is that what you're thinking?
You're annoyed because your ex has moved on .
Give your head a wobble

So stick with that feeling. This is about you and your son, not any other adult in his life. The parent child relationship isn't like an intimate partner relationship whereby there's only room for one. The parent child relationship accepts and allows for relationships between the child and other people.
You feel this way because of the dynamics of your own relationship with your son, so that's what you need to work on. There is no reason why your son can't have you both in his life and be all the more fortunate for it.