AIBU? Is this inappropriate?

[Maggymaggy]

I have 3 DS. 2 live with me full time and don’t see their dads aged 10 and 12. The other is 14 and he stays at mine on a Monday night. I had him very young when I was just 17 and his dad was 18. He is close with him brothers and they regularly play together online.

About a week ago they were on video playing games and my eldest had his SM come in the room. He muted so they could chat and she sat on his bed whilst they talked. I felt sick to think of her sat on my DS bed but decided I was just silly.

Last week during half term she picked him up from mine on Tuesday as he wasn’t at school. When he came down she kissed him on the forehead and he give her a massive hug. It made me feel sick this random woman kissing and hugging my son. He then rubbed her belly and asked how she’s feeling, I feel sick just thinking about it.

Then last night they were playing again and she was in the background asleep in his bed. When I asked him about it he said she was making his bed and fell asleep and he decided to leave her. I questioned my ex about it and he said I was BU. I am fuming, why is she even in my DS bedroom?

Please tell me I’m not wrong!

She’s 8mo pregnant with his baby sibling so the tummy thing is fine.
The falling asleep is a little odd but the rest is absolutely normal imo

They've already "made a new family" and your oldest son is in it. It's obvi not up to some random woman (you) whether and when they have another child.

Presumably because despite having no space you went on to have 2 more kids with another man who also didn't work out? His dad has been the constant stability in his life, he has space and love there.

You're critical of your ex for 'making another family' with the woman he has been married to for years, when you went on to have 2 more children yourself?

You're bonkers.

Didn't you post about this before?

She does more mothering presumably...you allowed him to feel pushed out. Literally and emotionally.

Why shouldn't he have more children......you did!

You sound really bitter that your eldest has another adult who cares for him. He is obviously settled at his Dad's and I get that will hurt, as he's away from you, but I would drop the jealousy of SM, before you push your child away.

Keep it relaxed, keep communicating with him, drop the negativity about SM and Dad, and rebuild your relationship with him

I’ve never posted before. Longtime lurker first time poster.

Then its fine. She is one of his parental figures and is having his younger sibling. Be pleased for him that he has a safe and comforting home with his father when you couldn't provide one.

So maybe look at what you can do to improve your relationship with him rather than being annoyed at the person caring for him.

But yet you had 2 more with other people (you say they don't see their dads not dad so I'm assuming 2 other dads) shortly after having your eldest. You have no right to be annoyed as once you broke up you both had the right to be with someone else and have more children.

A good first step would be to stop being so vocal and hostile about someone he clearly sees as a parental figure.

If you want a relationship with him maybe respecting that he sees them as his family and not some random women is a good place to start.

This!

Why is it acceptable for you to "make a new family" and go on to have more children with a new partner, but not your ex who is in a very stable relationship?

Be happy your son has a stepmother who clearly cares for and loves him since he lives there pretty much full time

You’re just jealous, she’s not just a random woman, she’s his step mother, and you should be pleased fhey have a strong relationship and she cares for him so well.

stop trying to make it about your needs and not his. And you’ve no place being annoyed if fhey have a child.

When I was 8 months pregnant I could fall asleep anywhere and I did.

In what world can you be annoyed that your ex is having a new baby with someone he’s been with for 7 years and “is trying to make a new family”?!

of course he can bloody create a new family. You did. You had 2 further children with someone else?

this is someone he picked up last week in a bar. They’ve been together almost a decade and she is raising your child?

bizarre

So you have 3 kids by 3 men by time you’re 21, don’t have space to accommodate them all with any privacy and you’re jealous because your eldest lives with his dad and his wife who give him the privacy and stability he desperately needs- have I got that right?

Your ex is a grown man with a long term partner who cares very much about your son and sees him as her own due to being one of his primary caregivers. Be happy he’s found a stable life with people who love him and can give him the love he needs

It sounds like you are jealous of the relationship your ds has with his sm. It seems normal to me. I would just leave it at that. If you feel uncomfortable, of course keep your eyes open, but I would not bring it up again, as you risk pushing him further away.

This is a consequence of him being with her more than he’s been with you since he was 5. It’s very simple. No judgement, it’s just a bald fact.

THIS is the most important part- if you had started out with this people would have been more sympathetic.

It must be hard to watch the loving close relationship he has with his stepmum- it's understandable. But think if this as something positive: how lovely it is that she has taken your son to her heart since he's living ft with gis dad. Imagine if she treated your son like shit! You love your son so try be happy that he's loved and cared for.

This doesn't mean you can not work on the relationship with your son. But many teens are not keen on being with their parents at 14, they just want to see friends which is normal. So don't expect to much.

Also, I hope this hasn't anything to do with the fact that your two other sons aren't seeing their dads? That you're not trying to faciliate contact because you're afraid of "losing" them as well?

It’s ok that you miss him. It’s not ok to suggest something inappropriate because she sat down on the bed to talk to him or shows him normal parent/carer affection.
it will not help your relationship or bring him closer.

I suggest a bit more introspection, your relationship sounds a bit fractious which is normal for teen years. Do you ever give him 1 on 1 time. When was the last time you did something together.

why not organise that for next time you see him? It sounds like you haven’t had much time for him for quite a while. Whereas at dad’s he has had that. Try and meet some of his needs.

it doesnt seem at all inappropriate
but you are jealous - that is understandable.

You come across as a bitter, hypocrite.

You has 2 more kids just 2 years after he was born with a fairly shitty guy who doesn't ever see his kids.

Yet you criticise her father who has a long term stable relationship where they waited to have more kids. They do the majority of parenting too. Why wouldn't he have a good relationship with this woman?

Agree with last posters..14 year olds know which side their bread is buttered. You are being absolutely ridiculous, you don't want sm going into your son's room, angry that ex is having a baby with her..yet you went on to have 2 more children. Definitely the green eyed monster.

It’s sounds as though your 14 year old son is more emotionally mature than you are.
You really need to work on that, or I suspect you will lose contact with your son once he is an adult.

you should focus more on your relationship with him and less on her relationship with him.