AIBU? Is this inappropriate?

[Maggymaggy]

I have 3 DS. 2 live with me full time and don’t see their dads aged 10 and 12. The other is 14 and he stays at mine on a Monday night. I had him very young when I was just 17 and his dad was 18. He is close with him brothers and they regularly play together online.

About a week ago they were on video playing games and my eldest had his SM come in the room. He muted so they could chat and she sat on his bed whilst they talked. I felt sick to think of her sat on my DS bed but decided I was just silly.

Last week during half term she picked him up from mine on Tuesday as he wasn’t at school. When he came down she kissed him on the forehead and he give her a massive hug. It made me feel sick this random woman kissing and hugging my son. He then rubbed her belly and asked how she’s feeling, I feel sick just thinking about it.

Then last night they were playing again and she was in the background asleep in his bed. When I asked him about it he said she was making his bed and fell asleep and he decided to leave her. I questioned my ex about it and he said I was BU. I am fuming, why is she even in my DS bedroom?

Please tell me I’m not wrong!

It's not weird at all. Anyone thinking it's weird has some odd ideas about normal family interactions.

You’re a bad mother. She’s a good step-mother. He’s made his choice. Maybe look at your own attitudes and behaviours to understand why rather than blaming her.

Family patting a heavily pregnant woman's belly is pretty common actually. But i would take everything this OP says with a pinch of salt. Her previous threads reeked of bitterness towards the stepmum and she has some v odd ideas.

Exactly what I was thinking. It was 2 to 3 weeks ago. Same thread pretty much.

You sound very jealous of the relationship your son has with his step mum. She sounds lovely and caring. There must be a reason, beyond him wanting privacy, that he doesn't stay with you more/live with you. There's a lot more to this than you're telling us.

No they are not they are her two subsequent children with two subsequent men.

Each to their own.

Would you be saying the same if it was a 14 year old stepdaughter rubbing a stepfathers belly or a stepfather falling asleep in her bed “while changing the bedding”?

Really narrow minded reply. It sounds like the OPs eldest has had a more stable and calm environment with his dad and step mum and it’s a lovely thing that he has such a nice relationship with her.

She's heavily pregnant. He's rubbing the baby essentially, his sibling.

You cannot be for real.

This is also uncannily similar to another poster who was equally unreasonable about a perfectly normal relationship between her son and a stepmother. Different details but same level of insanity.

Seems a coincidence.

Yet in our family it would be quite normal

and I don’t make a significant distinction between a bio mum and a step mum ( or dad) if they are part of the family and have been for years

I think the things to note are - it’s public , not being hidden and the child is happy - isn’t showing signs of distress , isn’t wanting to move homes

It’s completely normal and safe in a loving relationship.

I think you’re displacing your fears about losing the connection with your eldest into upset with his stepmom.

It must be really hard to watch someone else seem to develop a deeper connection to your son than you have. But getting mad at her doesn’t fix your relationship with your son. If anything it’s likely to push him further away.

Find some way to connect with him. It doesn’t sound like you’ve done much to ensure you can provide well for him, maybe putting some effort into that would help you build your relationship?

OP has stated her youngest two don’t see their dads. Plural.

Unfortunately I think you are just very jealous that your ex has a good relationship and a baby on the way. I think you are worried that your son, who already seems very happy with his dad and stepmum, might be even closer when he has another sibling.

You need to remember that this siblings will have the same relationship to him as his brothers do.

Try not to let the jealousy sour the relationship you have with your son. If you sound bitter and critical it will push him further away.

You should be glad that he has two people in his life that obviously treat him well, who he is close to. Whilst upsetting for you, it is what we should wish for our children.

You don't have the timings correct. He has been with his wife for 9 years. The OP hasn't said how long they have been separated. But she does says the younger two don't have contact with their "dads" plural suggests different dads all round. So rather hoping this is jackanory.

YANBU for feeling hurt and jealous of their relationship. That’s natural.

YABU for thinking it’s inappropriate and being so nasty about his SM. It sounds like they have a lovely relationship and as much as that may be difficult for you to see it sounds like your DS is happy abd loved so you should be grateful for that. There is no reason to blame this “random woman” for the fact he sees her as a mother figure.

YABU for being pissed off that your ex has moved on and having a baby. It sounds like your dc may not both have the same dad as your eldest. If that’s correct it would make you a bit of a hypocrite

People pat pregnant women's bellies because there's a baby in there. It's not the same as patting a fat man's paunch lol.

I got my pregnany belly patted dozens of times, even by the woman who works in my local cafe etc. They're imagining patting the baby, that's why. It's not sexual...!

Op is BU to make out it's something inappropriate between her ds and his step mum.

Well no because those situations are just you looking for a daft argument to try and prove your odd point. The context for the touching of her belly and exhaustion is relevant.

Oh, you're the one claiming stepmom is being inappropriate again. 🙄

No. She's not.

You are.

Stop trying to wreck your son's family with nasty insinuations. You're jealous your husband has a family that your son chose to live with while having a new family yourself. 🙄

This is a 9 year old boy who by the age of 4 had two different men dragged into his life and two half brothers he had to share a bedroom with.

Who can blame him for wanting a more stable life with more space and privacy with his dad and his long term partner (now his wife)

Given men can't be pregnant, that would be a very different scenario.

YABU
You should be glad he has a strong bond with SM. She has been in his life a long time. She is pregnant with his sibling. Sleeping in his bed , hugs, forehead kisses and patting the stomach where little brother and sister are, is all perfectly normal. You are confusing your feelings of loss with what is going on here. You are upset and jealous and you are channeling that at SM. You’re his mum. Just keep being there for him and loving him. Teens can be emotionally unpredictable at the best of times.

Well a step father wouldn’t be heavily pregnant with a new sibling so it’s a moot point and not comparable.

I imagine the boy is so close to his step mum, he sees her more as his mother than the OP as she’s given him a proper female role model

It must be hard to see your son have such a close relationship with someone and I think, as you’ve mentioned, this is the root of the problem.
Your Son is spending the majority time with his family unit, which is his Dad and Step Mum.
You can’t get cross about your ex creating a new family 7 years after meeting someone, who it sounds like he is married to?
You created a new family when you had to more children, the space you had for the children meant that your eldest prefers his Dads, that is sad for you but I’m saying this gently, this situation was created by you.
If you verbally bash his Step Mum or have ‘concerns’ when really there isn’t any, you will push your child further away.

Yes thank you, ive already posted I'd read it wrongly.