Chat with daughter... Non consensual photo

[BGP]

Chilling with DD 15, tonight. Talking about her BF who is away on holiday. I really like him because he has been the first boy she was chosen who she never felt the need to impress or pose around.

She's always clearly felt very comfortable with him and able to be herself, not all hair and makeup etc.

He's a nice lad, nice family, slightly immature for age (17) and not the brightest but always seemed calm and kind and caring.

She says when he stayed over here (separate rooms) the next morning he went to her room. He fell asleep and then his phone buzzed and she looked. He had taken a photo of her bum while she was asleep, not naked but her PJ's had ridden down. She was upset and angry that he did that when she trusted him.

She's considering breaking up with him.

I don't have an issue with this, and I fully defend her right to privacy and respect, this is not ok.

But a part of me feels sorry for these teen boys. They don't seem to have any proper guidance on how to behave, or on consent. If I had a son I would bloody well make sure he understood, but I watch blokes bigging up the sexualisation of women and girls all the time. It's normalised. How do these young people have a chance at any decent relationships?

What the fuck has happened to all of us? All the social media, lack of real relationships, communication, respect?

I will reiterate I do not condone his behaviour. But I feel sorry for these boys, as a mum of girls. They don't seem to know what to do.

Mums of boys.....what do you think?

"I do not condone" always seems such a weasel worded way of phasing it. You can feel sorry for the lack of decent role models for some young men/boys, and still utterly condemn his violation of your daughter's privacy.

I have a teen boy and a teen girl (19/18) Was it a sexualised photo or was it just a kind of joke
bum photo. I can imagine taking a joke bum photo and my dh and teens having a laugh.

that said, my 19yo boy absolutely wouldn’t do it and both my teens would think a 17yo boy dating a 15yo girl was a “paedo”. I’d suggest girls his own age won’t date him.

Disgusting.

id tell his parents.

he could have assaulted her if she was asleep.

There’s TWO years difference between them!

And that’s a lot if she’s 15. Under the age of consent for one thing

Different stages in life tho isn’t it? They’re not 55 and 57 where that’s well into adulthood and at the same life stage. There’s a reason girls his age don’t want him and why he’s going for 15 year olds. It’s not that 17 year old girls are past it!

I’m in my 20s and basically everyone dates people the same age as them as opposed to going younger. Even first year uni students, wouldn’t go for final year students. You clearly don’t understand the dynamics.

I told my DD it was wrong, she shouldn't have that non consensual invasion of her body, privacy, self.

Don't call me weasel worded. It's quite frankly rude. I have told her to protect herself and she knows what is right. I am asking why our society doesn't teach boys about boundaries and consent.

Why it is laughed about when a boy has a high turnover of dates/girlfriends and why do they think they own the girls?

If someone took a picture of my bum when I was sleeping I would knock the fucker out!!! She addressed it with him but he didn't see it was an issue. That's my problem, it shouldn't be this way.

Wtf? Your whole OP is saying how you feel sorry for him and the photo is harmless. Now you’re saying you would knock him out? Make your mind up.

I’m a mum of DS25 and 18. I would want to know. I would be horrified and they would not be in left in any doubt as to how wrong that is. She is 15 - you need to contact his parents.

But a part of me feels sorry for these teen boys. They don't seem to have any proper guidance on how to behave, or on consent.

They do, they get loads of guidance - even if not at home, they have plenty of PSHE lessons at school about consent, not taking/sharing photos.
Of course they know how they should behave.

You like a boy who has in your own words upset and angered your not yet an adult daughter? Fucking hell.

I really like him because he has been the first boy she was chosen who she never felt the need to impress or pose around

This alone is concerning. How many boyfriends has she had that have made her feel like shit?? She's 15 fgs!!

Your standards seem very low, which in turn will brush off on her.

I totally understand the dynamics.

When I was a teenager I had an older boyfriend, because the boys in my year had nothing to say, no opinions, only wanted to play football. The girls wanted conversation, connection.

That doesn't mean a sexual relationship. She is an old 15 and he is a young 17 and they are on the same level. The relationship is actually very innocent.

She said he was playing the drums on her butt - typical silly behaviour between them. The picture was not sexualised or sent to anyone.

It was without consent which was what upset her, and rightly so

It's Friday night. Loads of weirdos about. Thread should be reported and removed. Up to op if he wants to post again tomorrow.

If you don't want anyone to suggest that your post was weasel worded, then don't use classic weasel words. And it's much faster to type "I condemn" than "I do not condone" and yet you chose to do so. Incidentally, the police could well consider his action to be the creation of child porn.

I am not saying it is harmless. Clearly it is not as it has upset my daughter and made her feel violated.

I am asking why boys don't see this is an issue.

We can't blame this shit on schools. This is a societal problem. Men laugh this shit off.

I could speak to his mum. She is lovely. She will be mortified. He's not a bad kid. He might be 17 but he's definitely still a kid. I just don't know what we are doing wrong as a society that even the nice boys from the good homes don't seem to know about boundaries.

Did he delete it and empty it out of his deleted photo bin?! What he did was a crime and the fact she's 15 makes this quite serious. I know you say they were in seperate rooms OP but he snuck into her room whilst she was asleep so could have done anything. You need to sort your attitude around your daughter too, you're minimising her upset and empathising with the offender. You should have your bloody daughters back. And set some boundaries like not letting 17 year old lads stay over at your house as your daughter is underage!

I am a genuine mother posting after a conversation with my daughter.

Why on earth you think this is paedo bait is beyond me.

You are naive if you think there’s nothing sexualised going on. Totally naive.

He went into your underage daughter's room while she was asleep and touched her bare bottom and took a photo. He'd been there long enough to do that and then fall asleep. Did her pyjamas 'ride down' on their own? Have you contacted his parents about it? If she breaks up with him about this, will he share the photo with everyone else at school?

You need to be prepared for her to get substantial backlash from him. She'll need a lot of support.

She should without a doubt dump him for this

Innocent, hmm? Maybe. But he should know this is inappropriate. If he's a bit dumb, maybe he thought he'd be fine with it, so she should be, but it's obviously more complex than that

Ok.

If I was minimising her upset I wouldn't have posted at all because I wouldn't care?

It wasn't a pornographic photo it was a picture of the top of her bum after her pants rode down because she fights imaginary gorillas in her sleep.

He took a picture and she didn't know (totally wrong) she woke up found and deleted picture.

He did something stupid. I don't believe he did then or has ever intended her or anyone else any harm. He is 17 in age but he is still very much also a child. The relationship has always been very childlike between them. They spend time together under adult supervision, the door to her room is always open when they are together so we can keep an eye on them.

She has never expressed anything else that has upset her.

I totally uphold that having a photo taken of her without her knowledge is not ok. Even a pic or her snoring that she doesn't consent to is not ok.

I have always put my daughter's safety first. She is not and has never been in any danger, there are always adults present, doors open and regular check ups in our house
.

He did it because of male privilege.

She should definitely dump him.

im also not convinced that her pjs rode down on their own. I think it’s highly likely that he pulled him down. He’s a little turd and he would never be welcome in my home again.

And yes I would call his parents.

All boys and girls get taught about consent and boundaries near constantly at school.
Some don't listen and don't care.
Same as some kids steal etc.
It's all well and good to say it shouldn't be this way but it is for so many other things as well as boundaries etc

Boys are accessing and exposed to porn and porn adjacent things from as young as age 7 or so I'd say. It all contributes

I don't understand your thinking really and I certainly would not have him over again.. i think 15 is too young for sleepovers with partners.