Chat with daughter... Non consensual photo

[BGP]

Chilling with DD 15, tonight. Talking about her BF who is away on holiday. I really like him because he has been the first boy she was chosen who she never felt the need to impress or pose around.

She's always clearly felt very comfortable with him and able to be herself, not all hair and makeup etc.

He's a nice lad, nice family, slightly immature for age (17) and not the brightest but always seemed calm and kind and caring.

She says when he stayed over here (separate rooms) the next morning he went to her room. He fell asleep and then his phone buzzed and she looked. He had taken a photo of her bum while she was asleep, not naked but her PJ's had ridden down. She was upset and angry that he did that when she trusted him.

She's considering breaking up with him.

I don't have an issue with this, and I fully defend her right to privacy and respect, this is not ok.

But a part of me feels sorry for these teen boys. They don't seem to have any proper guidance on how to behave, or on consent. If I had a son I would bloody well make sure he understood, but I watch blokes bigging up the sexualisation of women and girls all the time. It's normalised. How do these young people have a chance at any decent relationships?

What the fuck has happened to all of us? All the social media, lack of real relationships, communication, respect?

I will reiterate I do not condone his behaviour. But I feel sorry for these boys, as a mum of girls. They don't seem to know what to do.

Mums of boys.....what do you think?

Exactly. OPs response is fucking bizarre.

My 10 year old son knows better. Either this 17 year old is very dim or...worse. I still can't get my head around the fact you let him sleep over when your daughter is only 15. Any boy with so little empathy and respect is not boyfriend material.

I wouldn’t matter how much I ‘liked’ this boy……..once my daughter revealed what he had done I’d be speaking to him and his parents.
He stayed overnight at your house and steps widely over the line by taking a non-consensual photograph of someone whilst they were asleep?!?! He has no respect for your daughter, your hospitality or females in general if he thinks his behaviour was acceptable.

His behaviour wasn’t just ‘stupid’ ffs…….it was unjustified, immoral, disgusting, illegal……how you can tolerate having this boy in your house beggars belief.

Teen boys get lots of guidance at school about consent and appropriate behaviour. I wouldn't feel sorry for him and she's been violated.

This.

What? You feel sorry for them? You seriously need to work out what on earth has led you to this position. A 17 year old is going out with your underage daughter and he takes a photo of her bum while she is asleep and you feel sorry for him? You don't feel sorry for your daughter poor girl? This has got to be a wind up post.

You say ‘he’s the first boy she was chosen who she never felt the need to impress or pose around.
She's always clearly felt very comfortable with him and able to be herself, not all hair and makeup etc.’
this makes it sound like there’s been lots of boys. Since what age? Have they all slept over or have you waited for the oldest one?
The ‘slightly immature’ 17 year old?

bring slightly immature at 17 does NOT make him equal to a fifteen year old girl.

If you’re at the point of feeling comfortable enough to have a 17 year old young man staying over with your 15 year old daughter, I’m not sure you have been protective enough of her , regardless of the photo.

It’s never ok to take a photo of anyone without their permission. I would be massively concerned that he could bully your daughter with that picture. Be aware he may come across as a nice boy to you but he may not always be to dd. I teach my son to respect others. That isn’t respect. Alarm bells would be ringing for me about his behaviour. I wouldn’t allow a sleepover at 15.

Not acceptable.
She doesn’t really need a boyfriend at 15. Id not be encouraging it tbh. And I’d be talking to his parents about what he has done… she is still a minor, under your responsibility.

Op, back your dd on this. She has much better, stronger boundaries on this than you seem to have.

Definitely zero and I mean zero sleepovers at 15. Are you mad??? She’s a minor. I think that’s seriously irresponsible of you..

Reading all your posts op - you haven’t put her ‘safety first’ if you’re allowing him to be in her presence whilst she is asleep. He shouldn’t be there when she is asleep.

I think you know you’re talking bollox from everyone else’s reaction.

The ‘poor boy’ should not have and never should, take photos of your daughter’s bum without her consent. He will know he was wrong because he has already been taught at school, even if his parents didn’t teach him.

You are totally naive if you think these two haven’t already had sex. Your daughter is 15 and you’ve stated she’s already had a year long relationship with a girl, and now been seeing this boy long enough for you to be comfortable that he can sleep at your house (at least four times) as well as his house several times.

At 17 he should be dating someone his own age, or at least not a 15 year old. He will want to have a sexual relationship and clearly your condoning that by letting them stay together.

It also doesn’t make sense how your daughter even saw the photo because surely he had his phone locked. Unless, she knows his passcode and she was snooping. And why would he pop into her bedroom and fall asleep and you not be aware if you were supervising them?

"She addressed it with him, but he didn't see the issue..."
There it is, right there. A boy may get it wrong, they're partly a product of their environment as you say. But when he's told by a girl he's got it wrong he should have enough respect and decency to understand that it is an issue. He didn't, and that speaks of character, not the world he lives in.

No they really wouldn’t 😂

They absolutely do. There is a huge cognitive dissonance if they’ve become active in the manosphere though especially as the majority of teachers are female imparting these values.

I don’t believe he went in in the morning either

I wouldn’t be letting him back in the house, and it’s quite possibly depending on the photo a police matter as distributing child pornography - she’s under 15. If he’s sent it, or uploaded it which eh will have done to his phones auto backup system.
Not to mention once it’s in the cloud it’s gone forever. I don’t think you’re taking it seriously enough and your daughter needs to be supported to do so.

Your dh & boys would laugh at a non consensual picture of a child in a state of undress.

I’m pretty sure there are laws about not just taking these types of photos but sharing /showing them to others.

actually disgusted

I can imagine a scenario of teenage boys staying over at a mates house, some of them wake up and see one of them still sleeping with his bum showing and them taking a photo and then teasing him about it when he woke up, Look at you asleep with your arse hanging out!
The OP says that he is a bit immature and they have a comfortable, non sexual relationship with each other, he may have thought she would laugh at this because his mates would have done and they have a mate-like relationship.
None of us here know what actually went through his mind, if it was a bit of (inappropriate but not malicious) mate like teasing or something more sexualised. But judging by the comments here he has been written off as an immoral, disgusting, creepy sexual predator!

Nor me. Lots of wine fuelled drama here.

He sounds very immature,, and photos shouldn’t be taken like that. If the daughter wants to break up with him, then that’s up to her.

A bollocking is all he needs - and I’m sure his mum will give him one.

If he's immature he might have taken it as a joke to show her. I did this with my dh once because it looked so funny and we both laughed about it.

hes gone into her room while she was asleep and taken a photo of her bum. He needs a serious talking to.

why are they having sleepovers? Clearly he went in there looking for something and you didn’t even know it was happening.

clearly door open doesn’t matter as again he was in her room at night while she was sleeping and you didn’t notice.

Mum if young adult boy and girl here.

My DS would definitely know at this age that taking such a photo was completely inappropriate and unacceptable.

I would be encouraging the break up - he might be immature or not learnt but its your responsibility to teach your daughter self worth and if there was any encouragement for her to stay with him after this I think its teaching her thr wrong message. The boy will learn too.

I am a boy mum by the way!

Society doesn’t accept this. I don’t know who you mix with but I don’t know any parents who laugh at teenage boys getting with a load of young women.

I also agree that teenagers these days think it’s disgusting to go out with younger girls. I’ve had conversations with my son about it. They understand the power dynamics. There is absolutely no way he would have condoned this relationship let alone been involved with taking photos of his girlfriend’s bum without her consent. This is a problem of this boy not of society. And you’re more of a problem by watering down his actions than the people you’re complaining about.

It’s weird that you’re dismissing the posts of those parents of young sons who actually know about this. Don’t you think you should be paying attention to the over 70% of people who think you’re in the wrong.

Your job is not to worry about young men. Your job is to support your daughter into having strong boundaries. She instinctively knows this is wrong but you’re undermining her and feeling sorry for this boy. That is a terrible message to give to young women. My mother was like you and it did me a terrible disservice and taught me really awful lessons about boundaries.

The best lesson this boy can have is from your daughter dumping him and you supporting her. If all mothers of daughters do this then these boys might even learn something.

I was wondering why he was wandering about at night too and taking photos.
As for the 'innocent' non sexual relationship. Most teen boys are hormone driven and will show interest in girls/boys/carrier bags or whatever they get turned on by.
I'm another one who thinks OP is being a bit naive.