Chat with daughter... Non consensual photo

[BGP]

Chilling with DD 15, tonight. Talking about her BF who is away on holiday. I really like him because he has been the first boy she was chosen who she never felt the need to impress or pose around.

She's always clearly felt very comfortable with him and able to be herself, not all hair and makeup etc.

He's a nice lad, nice family, slightly immature for age (17) and not the brightest but always seemed calm and kind and caring.

She says when he stayed over here (separate rooms) the next morning he went to her room. He fell asleep and then his phone buzzed and she looked. He had taken a photo of her bum while she was asleep, not naked but her PJ's had ridden down. She was upset and angry that he did that when she trusted him.

She's considering breaking up with him.

I don't have an issue with this, and I fully defend her right to privacy and respect, this is not ok.

But a part of me feels sorry for these teen boys. They don't seem to have any proper guidance on how to behave, or on consent. If I had a son I would bloody well make sure he understood, but I watch blokes bigging up the sexualisation of women and girls all the time. It's normalised. How do these young people have a chance at any decent relationships?

What the fuck has happened to all of us? All the social media, lack of real relationships, communication, respect?

I will reiterate I do not condone his behaviour. But I feel sorry for these boys, as a mum of girls. They don't seem to know what to do.

Mums of boys.....what do you think?

Something seems very off about this thread to me. We are supposed to believe that a mum whose teen daughter had a photo taken of her bum without consent feels sorry for boy who did it and boys in general. 🤔

I have reported but even if they don’t take it down, I’ll remain suspicious.

Agree that condemn is stronger than do not condone. On the subject of language, please avoid 'child porn' as a descriptor for indecent images of children or images of child sexual abuse.

Apologies.

So the door is always open when they are together yet he managed to take a photo of part of her bum whilst she was asleep? Clearly no adult supervision as you claim. Then at another point he is asleep and she is awake in her room (when she looked at his phone) again according to you the door would have been open and they were under adult supervision and you were keeping an eye on them? None of that adds up

If this is true…
Your dd shouldn’t be considering breaking up with him she should definitely be breaking up with him. Fwiw my ds is 25 and fully aware this behaviour isn’t ok - because even if parents don’t bother to teach their dc then the schools absolutely do so you feeling sorry for him is bat shit crazy. If you genuinely feel sorry for him then tell his mum and dad so they can set him straight. And don’t let 17yr old boys in your 15yr old dds bedroom where (as you have found out) she can end up in a very vulnerable position despite all the supposed ‘supervision’

@BGP - did his phone buzz because he had shared the pic of your daughter's bottom? Or was the buzz some other notification and your daughter saw the pic when she was checking his phone? I'm not saying she was snooping either, as it seems a lot of teens these days are sharing access to just about everything wihen they partner up - phone, banking, and SM.

I totally agree with male privilege. I watch friends bigging up their sons and the way adult men talk about women and girls.

The ones who have teen daughters join the banter until they are reminded they could be discussing their own daughters. It's depressing.

I'm leaving her to make her own decisions, but she is going to dump him. She always has my support in everything when it comes to her safety and wellbeing.

Her pants will definitely be her own doing and he's just taken a picture, she literally takes her whole bedding off, wrestles imaginary tigers and god knows what else in her sleep. No one in the family will share a bed with her as she is liable to kick you in the head and strip the bedding off in her sleep. He's just done a stupid thing.

The problem is none of them understand the ramifications of one stupid action or moment. When I was their age you did something dumb, learnt a lesson and that was that

Now it can be everywhere and never ever go away. I genuinely think this is not malicious it is naivety.

I agree, I have 17 and 18 year old DDs and they would be horrified at this! I was a teenager in the 90's when it was completely normal for a 15 year old girl to date a 19 year old man, or a 17 year old girl to date a 25 year old man (I did both, and my parents didn't raise so much as an eyebrow!).

Thankfully, teenage attitudes to appropriate dating ages have changed, and they are far more aware of the dangerous power dynamics of dating someone more than a year or so older or younger. I don't like that teens call other teens "peados", but I agree it's quite normal for that to happen in these circumstances these days.

OP I think you need to stop worrying about what you think about this boy's actions, and focus on supporting your DD and ensuring she is safe. You might think it was "just a joke" or "he didn't mean any harm", but your DD has made it clear that she feels upset about it, so you need to ensure you're not minimising his actions and that she feels like you're on her side with this.

Your poor dd. Be fucking outraged her bf took an intimate photo while she was asleep. Not feeling sorry for him because he's a pervert who thought what he did was anyway acceptable.

You dont have a ds by any chance??

Good parents do teach their kids boundaries and what is right and wrong. And schools teach it too. PSHE lessons are forever going on about photo sharing, boundaries and consent, so you’re disillusioned there OP. Basically, this boyfriend is just a creep.

As the PP who is a student in their 20 said, young folk tend to date the same age group these days. My kids and their peers (late secondary) only date same year group. So you need to ask yourself why no-one his own age wants him,

Your DD should break up with him regarding this.

I don't really see why this is such a massive deal. He took a pic of her builders bum because it was funny, didn't send it to anyone. Yes it was a mistake. She was upset. I'd be upset too. They both learn a lesson about consent. Move on.

It doesn't sound like it was malicious or sexual, and it wasn't shared. It was a very silly and immature thing to do. I hope they can move past it but I wouldn't be ending a relationship over this if the other person was genuinely mortified and apologetic, expressed serious regret and promised never do it again.

You sound so naive, it’s ridiculous. To the point of being a shit mother for your daughter.

teenagers are probably the most sex obsessed people, because it’s such a big event for them to start having sex and start dating and being intimate. It’s a formative moment.

the novelty wears off to old people like you who have no clue what it’s like to be a teenager at this point, so you then assume sex doesn’t cross their mind or doesn’t filter in when he takes photos of her ass in bed. Yeah, that’s not the case. He took the photo because he wanted a reminder. It’s not a platonic relationship.

How do you know it wasn’t shared?

Arggghh!

How many kids listen to what they are told at school???

What do they see and hear at home?? How much 'banter' is derogatory and damaging?

Yes they are supervised. Please step up any parent whose child has never fallen over whilst supervised, or pulled a cup off a table whilst supervised. Or stolen a biscuit while supervised, or broken something or ever put themselves in harm's way.

If my child is in an open room, with the door open, regular checks, how am I not parenting appropriately?

She could be with another girl. Would that matter? Change things?

She has actually expressed she's bisexual and was in a relationship with a girl for a year, same age. Same rules applied.

I hope you all have toddlers because that's the level of supervision you seem to expect and if you can achieve 100% zero incidents ever... Congratulations

Why is he sleeping over? Regardless of separate rooms?? I have teenagers of both sexes and there is no planet on which my 15 year old daughter's 17 years olds boyfriend is sleeping over. Safeguarding isn't just the job of teachers and social workers.

Our school did chat about consent in 6th form, or maybe year 11. I had a chat about consent on the drive to uni. I guess with phones, all kinds of non consent photos are being taken and I dread to think how widespread this is. You’d hope schools cover this kind of things at school, but of course parents should discuss it too.

Do you let anyone sleep over?

@BGP support your DD to finish things with this lad, as he has clearly overstepped a boundary. You may also want to have a delicate conversation with his parents to explain why the dumping has happened and what their son should do differently in future to avoid any similar issues. Good on your Daughter for being honest and transparent with you about what happened - that’s a testament to your relationship.

But that’s just pretty much what she said, isn’t it?

Why are you having a go at her over semantics?

I would just like to laugh at 'old people like you'

😂

Ta.

If you want please pm me, I will tell you about all the things the shit mother has done for her daughter. I think you will cry by the time I'm done.

Very odd thread.

There is zero excuse for this. Kids get taught about consent, boundaries, inappropriate photos, healthy relationships at school…..a lot! It is also all over SM. This boy is apparently from a good family, so presumably he’ll be getting the message at home too. He has chosen to ignore it all, like the bad boys and men do.

My daughter would have told him to leave immediately, ended the relationship, spoke to me about whether it warrants reporting etc. Her brother would have been equally as disgusted. Your daughter is only thinking of dumping him, and that in part will be due to having a mum who has sympathy with boys like him and make excuses.

Your poor daughter.

Threads making excuses for the poor boys and men are always suspicious though. I have also reported.

My daughter is listened to. She feels able to tell me things. She is valued.

They get taught how to wash up at school too, doesn't mean they do it.

School talk about healthy relationships but they don't have time to even listen about fighting, arguments or bullying. From what I have seen the schools actually contribute to all of the above because they don't have the time or resources to deal with it.

I am not making excuses for poor boys and poor men. I am asking WHY society accepts this, still!

All of the shit that has gone before, why are parents not responsible for the education of their boys???

You are making excuses for boys and men OP.

If this is real, your daughter is being made very vulnerable, in part due to your attitude.

Mums of boys.....what do you think?

This sentence alone nods to a huge part of the problem. Parents of boys, it's not a 'mum' issue.

Your description of the incident sounds utterly implausible, fwiw. You've leaned v quickly into slating the 'lunatics' of MN, but I see that reports have already gone in, so there we are, I guess.