Chat with daughter... Non consensual photo

[BGP]

Chilling with DD 15, tonight. Talking about her BF who is away on holiday. I really like him because he has been the first boy she was chosen who she never felt the need to impress or pose around.

She's always clearly felt very comfortable with him and able to be herself, not all hair and makeup etc.

He's a nice lad, nice family, slightly immature for age (17) and not the brightest but always seemed calm and kind and caring.

She says when he stayed over here (separate rooms) the next morning he went to her room. He fell asleep and then his phone buzzed and she looked. He had taken a photo of her bum while she was asleep, not naked but her PJ's had ridden down. She was upset and angry that he did that when she trusted him.

She's considering breaking up with him.

I don't have an issue with this, and I fully defend her right to privacy and respect, this is not ok.

But a part of me feels sorry for these teen boys. They don't seem to have any proper guidance on how to behave, or on consent. If I had a son I would bloody well make sure he understood, but I watch blokes bigging up the sexualisation of women and girls all the time. It's normalised. How do these young people have a chance at any decent relationships?

What the fuck has happened to all of us? All the social media, lack of real relationships, communication, respect?

I will reiterate I do not condone his behaviour. But I feel sorry for these boys, as a mum of girls. They don't seem to know what to do.

Mums of boys.....what do you think?

You ask what mothers of boys think, and what they'd do.

I would be appalled if my sons did this. I'm confident they wouldn't, because I've raised respectful and feminist young men who know about consent and boundaries. They challenge the language their peers use about women and girl (and have been thumped for it more than once).

Parents of boys - especially fathers - must model the behaviour we want to encourage. Always treating women as full people, not support humans for men and boys, not sexualised objects, is something we learn only if it's reinforced by the people we admire.

Popular culture is happy to diminish women and girls so schools, clubs and most crucially families need to demonstrate a different way of behaving.

I can't believe someone called this 'fairly innocuous'. Unfuckingreal and explains a lot about where boys are getting their sense of entitlement. Boys will be boys!

You said he didn't see the problem. He's not going to magically see it just because you have a sweet word in his ear.

He violated your daughter's boundaries and when she told him, he didn't see the problem. Come on to absolute fuck here.

Ultimately no boy should ever be getting the message that he can make any assumptions whatsoever about anything to do with a girls body or consent. Anything other than that is never understandable.

OP, your fifteen year old daughter has more common sense and better boundaries than you.

I think you should thank society for that because I can’t imagine she got that at home, given your minimising this male’s behaviour.

he won’t do it again

So you’ve got in her ear and she’s not dumping him?

I didn’t know parents actually put their own daughters last but that’s what you’re doing.

Was this ever answered?

So you're not telling his parents, or the police. Or encouraging her to dump him.

Good work 🙄

I know! And people are telling her she’s handling it brilliantly and being a great mother 😮

Its so depressing to see women like this commenting the same old excuses for men. And we wonder why rape conviction rates are so low in this country.

I expect op thinks Andrew is a poor misunderstood boy too 🙄

But a part of me feels sorry for these teen boys. They don't seem to have any proper guidance on how to behave, or on consent.

I cannot think of a time in history when there has been as much public discussion of and freely available guidance on sexual consent as in the last 5-10 years. I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.

I don’t understand why the op and other posters keep saying the boy had no malicious intent when taking the photo. How does anyone know? People don’t go around either things like this tattooed on their forehead. Likewise ‘he’s a nice boy from a nice family’ - yeah because nobody from a nice family ever did anything bad did they? Add to that even when the dd pointed out it out to him he still didn’t think he had done anything wrong?

I agree with other posters - my older 3 dc say it is now seen as ‘pervy’ for 17yr olds to go out with 15yr olds especially due to the difference at school - a girl in yr10 or yr11 and a boy at sixth form or college.

I’ve no idea why the op wouldn’t tell the parents - surely if this boy is as innocent as op insists then his parents can reinforce the message of what is appropriate and what isn’t.

100% They are taught it from a young age at school and hopefully in the majority of homes too and continuously being reinforced.

Agree, which is why I said id understand him taking the pic if he thought it was funny/cute and he knew she'd feel the same.

He's a 17 yo boy taking a semi-naked pictures of his underage girlfriend while she is asleep and can't consent.

I don't think you have a "sexualisation" problem. When he is playing drums on her bum consensually, it is absolutely sexual. He is 17. She is 15. They are a whirling pool of hormones. It's perfectly normal and natural for a relationship between a 17 and 15 to be highly sexually charged.

What you have is a consensual and legal problem. Taking non-consensual sexual photographs is illegal and immoral. Taking any sexualised photographs of a child is illegal in itself.

No, it’s a holding a parent responsible for putting their child at risk.

What the fuck has happened to all of us? All the social media, lack of real relationships, communication, respect?

I'll tell you what's wrong - you making excuses for a boy who betrayed your daughters trust and invaded her privacy. He took the photo when she was asleep because he knew it was wrong and you feel sorry for him.

FFS have a word with yourself.

Of course, I understand the dynamics! And 18 year olds not going for 21 year olds? Really, come on, you can't possibly believe that? My youngest is 19 and my eldest is 22, they're practically the same emotionally, and in maturity.

Because everyone knows, you cant have sexual relations in the morning!