My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

Poor kids. You’ve done your best to be a friend op, but now she’s pulled this stunt it’s clear she can’t be trusted. I’d deliver him to her mum like you have agreed and step well back from this friendship.

This was my thought.

I mean the sort of man that has no contact with his two subsequent children is not someone you leave a child with - especially not one of the ones he didn't "want."

Even if the other sitters have refused, they may weaken if they understand what has happened: he's just a little boy and it's a horrific situation. I think it's worth at least trying them: nothing to lose.

I'll get told I am a doormat no doubt, but my truthful answer here is I feel so bad for this little Barry I'd be keeping him with me for the afternoon if none of that worked out. Sorry: that's just my honest answer. And I actually think the Dad sounds worse than the mum. At least she's only ditched him for a day's reprieve, not cut him out of her life ...

Definitely report to social services.

Exactly what FasterMichelin says. These poor children (not just little Barry).

Even if granny rocks up and saves the day today, you need to report this. Granny doesn’t sound like she wants Barry either and it sounds like these poor children are being shunted from pillar to post, unwanted in all locations.

At this time of day, on a Friday, I’d also question what is happening to the remaining 3 children. Even if they are at school they will be finishing soon - in the state she was in, is she likely to collect them? What happens tomorrow when all 4 are home? Whether mum is flaky or in the midst of a breakdown, the welfare of the children is the priority and it doesn’t sound like their extended family are especially bothered either way. Situations like this don’t usually just resolve themselves and mum will suddenly realise the error of her ways/seek APPROPRIATE help. They usually escalate to the serious detriment of the children. You can make a report to SS to share your concerns. Your friendship is ruined either way and you have a chance to help those children.

My mother did this to me when i was aroynd 5 or 6....actually, she left me in the childrens play area while she met her boyfriend, whilst my dad was away in the army.
She was coping perfectly well, she was just infatuated with another married man and had a narrow window off oppotynity to see him.

Many people on here assume the women in different scenarios are the innocents and just reacting to a worse male behaviour. Ive grown up hearing people trot out the 'nothing greater than a mothers love' line and all that. Its not always true

Well, I think you should have phoned the police personally, but you didn't. However you can still flag it with them as a safeguarding concern after the event.

With regard to Claire, I think I would write to her confirming that you will not be available to help with anything in the future, and that you wish to end the friendship due to the blatant lack of respect that she has shown for you. I would add that I would be contacting the police in relation to safeguarding concerns and reporting the abandonment of her child. And ask her not to make any further contact.

Sorry, just caught up on your plan to give him to the GM.

Yes, I'd do that. Personally I would leave it to her to involve SS.

Me too

i would also advice Claire to tell dad he can’t take older two without the younger ones. My friend did this tactic and then dad had to get to know the little one to be able to see and holiday with the big ones. It’s all worked out well done but he wouldn’t have bothered if my friend hadn’t been so strict.

'Many people on here assume the women in different scenarios are the innocents and just reacting to a worse male behaviour. Ive grown up hearing people trot out the 'nothing greater than a mothers love' line and all that. Its not always true'

Well said. Some people are just not capable of considering a child's needs before their own, and some of those people are mothers, unfortunately for all concerned

I work in children's services. The kids would not be taken into care 'just' for this, kids are left with the most appalling excuses for parents and it saddens me every time I see it.

@DojaPussy

So at this point Claire's mum has Barry and is NOT happy, yes?

At this point I'd let Claire's mum deal with Claire as far as this incident goes, hopefully she'll put the fear of God into her. But I also think you need to show Claire you won't put up with her doing a 'drop and run'. If you haven't, I'd text Claire "Your mum has Barry. Don't you EVER do this to me again. Next time it will be directly to the police" and I'd probably block her for the rest of the day (or my life). If you want to 'have it out' with her, do it later.

As far as contacting SS and reporting this incident, that will be up to you to decide if you feel she needs professional intervention. What is also up to you is whether or not to continue this friendship. What do you get out of it?

you could also have taken Barry to children’s school and hand him over to them if desperate, you know his siblings are their and the adults can follow safeguarding processes

I think for your peace of mind I’d tell social services. You can’t assume someone else will and god forbid anything happen it’s always why didn’t someone say something. If you look in council website for an email.

Claire clearly can't cope with 4 children and is struggling. Claire's husband is a complete arse for abandoning all his children, and for only acknowledging the 2 eldest. If Claire's husband hadn't wanted 4 children, and he didn't trust his wife to use contraception correctly, he should have used condoms or not had sex. Claire has manipulated her husband into having 4 children, whilst knowing full well he didn't want any more than 2. Both are selfish arses.

You aren't responsible for babysitting Barry. Taking Barry to his Dad, isn't something I would do, the poor child doesn't know him. Yes, you can call the police and/or SS, but are they going to come out quickly? They know you have the child and he's safe. You might be expected to look after him, regardless if you have an appointment. I'd ask your neighbour if she's able to look after Barry. If she is, then contact Claire and tell her that you are leaving Barry with your neighbour and she will need to pay your neighbour X for minding him. You told her plainly that you weren't available, and she ignored you, and simply dumped Barry on you. Barry is her responsibility, not yours and that means so is paying your neighbour.

Long-term Claire needs help and a call to SS wouldn't go amiss.

You did right OP.
The best bet was to pursue her parents to collect Barry and also for them to take charge of this dire situation whereby she is hysterically crying, can’t cope and has the audacity or poor mental state to drive off leaving her much wanted 4th baby with someone who has repeatedly said no sorry I’m unable to look after him.
I would normally have suggested taking him to the father but as already pointed out, it would be cruel to leave the child with a stranger.

Sadly, you would have been obliged to call SS if her parents hadn’t responded. And also to alert the police if you really thought she could be having a breakdown rather than just wanting to meet up with a new man.

I would steer clear from now on. She’s burnt her bridges with you as a mate.

Should I have just called the police before anyone else?

Yes you should have. A distressed mother abandoning her child and driving off is a very high risk factor. They would have been able to advise you.

She sounds utterly selfish. First for having a fourth kid that she knew her husband didn't want, because SHE did, even though she can't actually cope with the ones she's got, and then for dumping the kid on you when you'd explicitly said no. Exactly the sort of shit my narcissistic relative would pull though. It'll all be your fault whatever you do now. I'd dump this friend - difficult in a small village but she's not really your friend, she's just using you for dumping all her emotional shit on and for free childcare.

Poor Barry 🥴
I feel like my little sister was a bit of a Barry when her dad left my mum. I ended up looking after her a lot while my mum prioritised herself but I couldn’t always have her and she got dumped here there and everywhere with people she didn’t really know. They were most likely inconvenienced too.

I do have sympathy because he didn’t want two more and made it very very clear that it wasn’t fair to have two more.

They lived in a small two bedroom house with the two eldest opposite sex children sharing a room with bunk beds and Claire didn’t want to go back to work full time after they started school so in an expensive area they would struggle to move.

Her exH works incredibly long hours and since having the children he wanted to reduce them and spend some family time but Claire just didn’t seem bothered about him anymore and she told me he said he felt like he was just there to produce money and sperm and laughed about it and said “that’s about accurate”.

She swore to him that she was happy with two and on the injection, he stayed after it “failed” and baby 3 arrived but was miserable and sleeping on the sofa because he wasn’t allowed in bed whilst she was sleeping with the kids.

With getting pregnant with Barry she said again she was on the injection but it wasn’t possible to get pregnant when breast feeding. Yes he should have checked but he trusted her and booked a vasectomy to be 100% and told her he wouldn’t be around for a 4th, I’d heard that too and believed her.
I don’t think it’s fair to call him a psychopath when he was being sensible not wanting to bring an unwanted child into the world they also had no room or money for!

I’m going to get on with the rest of my day now I can. I will update later but I sadly think the friendship is over.
I have sympathy for the kids but not that much for Claire right now.

A neighbour did this to me once, left her son with me when she went out for a prescription. I had to call the police after 5 hours as she turned her phone off. They tracked the poor kids dad down and he collected him. She didn’t rock up until the following lunch time and had the audacity to be angry at ME. That poor kid, he’s now an adult and has not turned out very well at all.

Call social services, call the dad to let him know what has happened, and block her.

Yep.
Child abandonment.
She wont ask again....

Claire needs to keep her legs closed! Dumped her kid to meet a man. WOW!

I'd be calling social services, simple.

I’d hand the child to a relative and inform her via message that as a one off I wouldn’t be doing anything, but if she tries it again I’d be contacting the relevant authorities due to child abandonment.

What an absolute joke of a parent.

Ive been on my own more that once with 4 kids. At one point exactly like Claire pregnant with fourth (I didn’t plan him I was on mini pill) . I didn’t have a car and lost everything. I looked after all four under 10 (younger two were one year apart)

she’s got no fucking excuse. Sorry it’s made me really angry. I had depression and had suffered a lot of domestic abuse. I didn’t abandon my kids! (I had attachment issues with youngest but I still cared for him)

police social worker before it becomes a bigger problem. Those kids didn’t choose to be born.