My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

This - she wanted 4 kids that's what she got, it's no good complaining now and it's too bad if it's spoiling her love life.
The poor kids don't deserve such a mother.

Wow talk about deflection. I’ve no time for women that deliberately get pregnant against their partner’s wishes. She’s a selfish, over entitled witch who doesn’t deserve children. What she’s done is unforgivable and I feel very sad for the kids being brought up around such an irresponsible mother.

Call the police and end this friendship.

Imagine you were in a long term relationship with a man. You don't want to have kids right now but he's told you he's had a vasectomy. You fall pregnant and find out he's been lying. Would you see that as your fault? Or would you see it as deliberate coercive control?

Stop with the armchair psychiatry. You don’t just diagnose MH problems because someone’s an irresponsible, over entitled, selfish c*. She’s a disgrace not mentally ill fgs!

Call the police. Better yet, take him to the police station.

None of us on this thread is in a position to say the child wasn't at risk. The mother clearly isn't in her right mind at present. If she'll leave her child with someone who's said no to providing care, what else might she do that's not in the child's best interests?

Yes, agreed.

I would see it as dishonest and it would enrage me.

But in his situation, with the child a reality, in no sense would I consider not acknowledging the child as my own, of letting them grow up seeing their siblings accepted but being told they were "unwanted" by me.

I mean the very thought is sickening.

Definitely would have called the police.

Dad is equally as bad. Why are we blaming women for failed contraceptive when Dad could have worn a condom? Or refrained from having sex? By baby #4 you would have thought he knew how babies were made and contraceptive alone is not baby proof. Weaponised incompetence to enable his own continuation of bare-back riding.

Both sound equally as immature and neither of them should have children. I hope you did call the police, or someone made a referral to social services.

Women aren’t being blamed for failed contraception. They’re being blamed for lying about contraception, meaning the men they have sex with don’t have accurate and truthful information upon which to base their decisions.

yes and to that extent it IS arguably her "fault."

But where his behaviour becomes rather monstrous is at the next stage - once the child is here. Being angry about something doesn't justify any scale of response.

To not acknowledge a child you fathered (and bear in mind child number 3 was already living in the home when he was still sleeping with the mother and conceived little Barry; and Barry was conceived when he already knew the "accident" had happened with child 3) just because you feel annoyed with the mother is unconscionably cruel to the child.

Sometimes you have to suck up your annoyance and put your child's interest before your own.

True but, again, the mother is partly responsible. If she knowingly tricks her partner into impregnating her, knowing full well that he doesn't want any more children, she must be aware there is a reasonable chance that he will not participate in raising the child. So, yes, he is wrong to abandon the child, but she is wrong to expose a child to that risk in the first place.

I don't think any of us are endorsing Claire's behaviour.

This isn't a fairy story with just one "goodie" and one "baddie."

Hi
as someone who works with children and is familiar with safeguarding, this would be a safeguarding concern. I would have called the police / social services. It’s up to them to decide what the needs of the family are for now and on an ongoing basis.
i do understand that it’s always a difficult call to make, but best case scenario they won’t need to do anything. If they do, then great that they will get the support on a longer term basis

How is HE the psychopath? He wanted two children and she deliberately got pregnant against his wishes TWICE!
His fault too though as he should have withheld sex till after he’d had the snip

I bet if that woman posted it would be entirely his fault for lying. There wouldn't be the same barrage of posters telling her that if she didn't want children she should have been on the pill, had the coil or the implant, not had sex, that she should have taken responsibility for her own fertility, that she shouldn't have trusted him. There might be a few but I'd bet my last hairgrip that the majority would be what a lying, deceptive scum he was.

What a mess. Stories like this make me so sad.

Why have 4 children if you're not prepared to be the best mother possible to all 4. Why do some women think their "need" for more offspring trumps all else. How could a father be so cruel as to only pay attention to 2/4 of them - can't imagine what the younger twos mental health will be like in a few years as a result of the rejection.

If Claire had left little Barry with me and not responded, I would have called the police and social services. If she genuinely can't cope, she needs intervention. If she just wanted to ruin your day to get her leg over with the new man, and didn't care about poor Barry, then good riddance. I just hope things get better for Barry.

Claire sounds bloody dreadful!
she abuses everyone in her life!!…
So she
took away her exH’s rights to choose to stop at 2 children by lying about being on contraceptive, stopped him using condoms by gaslighting him and accusing him of cheating… she’s very manipulative and controlling and when people say no she takes what she wants from them anyway!!
So she asks you to babysit so she can attend an ‘important appointment’…. One that goes into the evening?? Where were her other 3 children? I’m guessing dad might have collected the older two and had them straight from school… but what about the third one? Where was that child?
You say no and give very valid reasons why you can’t drop your life to babysit her child… it’s also fair to say that if it was important her mum would have taken Barry gladly!
She then comes round, turns on the tears and when you stand your ground and set a boundary she dumps said child on you anyway!… a child that you (like her exH didn’t want!!)
She turns her phone off all day - thank god Barry didn’t come to any harm and need the hospital hey!!
Blocking her is 100% the right thing to do, well done OP…. Her attitude that you should do more because you don’t have children absolutely stinks, this Claire is so bloody entitled! If she turns up at your door all apologetic (as narcissists often do!) I’d be telling her to piss off! She clearly has no respect for anyone’s boundaries and thinks that everyone else should put their lives on hold for her …
i helo all my friends where I can, in fact I’m babysitting later for a single mum friend… but to me no means no, no reason needed and I wouldn’t expect a guilt trip or to be told I had to cancel my plans whether paid for or free!!
I think @DojaPussy your life will be happier without ‘Claire’

Oh I absolutely agree, I'm not condoning his actions. I also think it's horrendous to not even acknowledge two of your children while still staying in contact with the older two.

My problem is with the posters saying he should have been responsible for his own contraception, should have abstained from sex etc. He was on the waiting list for a vasectomy and the waiting list was long. His partner told him she was using pretty low risk contraception. I think if you're having to abstain from sex because you don't trust your partner to lie, the relationship is pretty much over.

I think he was put in an extremely difficult situation if this is all true. I think he's handling that situation extremely badly.

Exactly, she did it twice, but he continued having unprotected sex with her. She's as much in the wrong as him but unless someone needs to sit this man-child down and explain where babies come from, he is equally as culpable.

The children involved are the ones being punished, and they are the only ones who are blameless in all of this.

Dear Lord!!! What a cheek.She is not coping and in the absence of no other family 'stepping in' I would call social services. Sounds like poor wee Barry and his mother are needing help. You might just be doing her a favour by seeking professional input here! I would be going no contact with her after this stunt!

I'm not disagreeing but it's easy to pontificate when you know you'll never be in that situation yourself.

Why is the child more important than the father? Why should he have to cancel his life plans because somebody deceived him knowing full well he didn't want more kids?

Another thought.

If a woman is forced to endure an unwanted pregnancy (e.g. due to anti-abortion laws) is she also now morally obligated to raise that child for the next 18 years?

Let's say it wasn't the product of rape or anything like that but just an unplanned pregnancy she was forced to carry to term. Do the above arguments still apply? She could've abstained from sex altogether and, regardless of the events leading up to the birth, the fact is that she now has a child and a duty of care.

I feel many women would support her choice to put the baby up for adoption, but if we're applying the above logic it'd be her duty to become a mother for the next 18 years.

I agree, I think that being manipulated/tricked into being a parent against your will is an absolutely terrible situation to be put in. I don't think it excuses rejecting two of your children while accepting the other two, but as you've said it's very hard to know for sure what you would do unless you're in that situation. And I'm very, very grateful that I won't ever be put in that situation myself.

Anyone arguing that the father was naive for being put in that position - it's very common for people to be manipulated by their partners. I've been in a relationship with a very manipulative person myself and probably looked very naive from the outside. Again, I'm not excusing anyone abandoning their children, but I do have sympathy for anyone who's been lied to and ended up a parent against their will.

Why do some women think their "need" for more offspring trumps all else.

Yes. What is wrong with thse women who can only feel fulfilled by popping out more babies?