My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

It doesn’t matter what her reason was for doing this. The boyfriend or because she’s not coping, either way it’s not ok and she needs support to see this isn’t ok and to change things.

Police and SS needed.

What if she was to be tipped over the edge and leave her kids with someone and harm herself?

You need to tell her if she ever does this to you again you won't bother ringing round anyone. You'll just call the police and social services.

And mean it

I'd call the police and ss- even after your update!

I'd be ringing local Social Services. And no longer suffering "Claire" as a friend.

He had 9 months during the pregnancy with !-baby 3 to get a vasectomy. He didn’t. Baby 3 was born and he continued to have sex without a condom when he knew what she was like, and still didn’t get a vasectomy. Then blames her entirely for baby 4?

I think she sounds like a psycho, incredibly selfish, a bad mum… she sounds awful. But he had 9 months during the pregnancy of baby 3 to get a vasectomy to ensure there would be no baby 4 but he didn’t do it. He sounds just as useless as her, especially by abandoning the two youngest.

This family really needs social services involvement. You have all the texts and call logs from today, so you can still report what happened. Call the police non emergency to talk it through with them and then also call social services. Those kids need help and neither of their parents sound any good.

Call social services. She needs SS help whether she is willing to accept it or not.

I think if the dh refuses to have anything to do with the youngest 2 children then I hope he is paying much more CM for them

There are 2 issues that Claire has.
Firstly the father refuses to act as a parent to half his children and secondly Claire needs to understand that being a super strict parent can be abusive but also not having rules and letting your children run wild is also abusive to them. She is actively harming her childrens futures.

When they get out in the world they will soon find that other people don’t give a shit about them and if they hit someone because they are demanding something and not getting it then that someone will hit back or knows someone who can hit back harder.

Dont ring the police, Take the child to his dads explain what has happened and leave it up to him to call police.

Hope her new fella is worth it.

Id make a safeguarding referral because the poor kid is neglected…

Agree!

Sorry but I’ve got no sympathy for someone who forced her ex to have 2 extra kids he didn’t want. Yes he should have worn a condom etc and we don’t know he didn’t but she still deceived him . And now she’s paying the consequences. I also think it’s pretty vile that she dumped her kid so she could get her leg over . She wouldn’t be a friend of mine after this.

Phone Social Services still, she clearly needs help.

Her Ex is absolutely as awful as she is, he absolutely should not have had sex with her before having a vasectomy and without a condom if he felt so strongly that he didnt want more to the point he would abandon them. How will they feel when they are older and know that the older two see their dad but he doesn't want the them, vile man. The poor kids are.not going to come out of this in a good place

I wouldn’t tell her that her mum has Barry. Let her come to your house and find you are out.

Poor kids 😞

This is a massive safeguarding issue. So yes, I’d still report it. Whilst Barry is in the care of a family member now he’s still being neglected by the mother. Social services need to assess whether the rest of the children are at risk

Yes, this is what I would do

Please do report it as a safeguarding concern. She has parental responsibility for Barry and is showing little regard for his safety and wellbeing with her actions. Whilst she may be suffering with her mental health and may be in need of support it's hard to believe that this is the first time she has behaved with such disregard for her children. Even if it is, involving the authorities may get her and her children much needed support and ensure that something like this doesn't happen again in the future.
Whilst I am sure that you are lovely and would take good care of Barry, not everyone forced into your situation would react as well as you have. My advice would be to safeguard Barry and the other children in her care by reporting what's happened today.

Are you with Barry's dad by any chance? I feel like this could be a stepmothers post but doesn't want to admit she allows her partner to be a deadbeat father to two children..

Umm who held a gun to his head and forced him to have sex with her?
You're absolving him of any responsibility which is very strange.

Even though you have called her mother you can still report her to social services. Whether a mental health crisis or just going to meet her boyfriend, she is not safeguarding her child.

Claire sounds very much like my brother's ex-wife.

And yes, police and social services.

That’s shocking and so selfish, the friendship has to be over, it’s abhorrent she did this, never mind did it for a shag.

My mum used to do this to me. My youngest brother was born when I was 18. I had him so much, people assumed he was mine and would ask where my baby was if he wasn't there. She'd pop round and be like ' oh will you watch him for an hour' then come back 12 hours later...

Perhaps, however -

If a woman agreed to sex with a man on the condition he wear a condom, and he removed it without her knowledge, we would consider this a crime.

If a woman lies about being on contraception to trick a man into getting her pregnant, is he to blame for that?

I would call social services emergency number and the police and leave it up to them what happens next. I wouldn't waste time trying to locate Barry's dad or any other relatives. Your friend needs help and support and social services is the only way forward.

Incidentally, if the kid's father didn't want any more children, why did he continue to have unprotected sex?