My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

Why is the child more important than the father?

I don't really know where to start with this question.

For me even the asking of it cuts across all natural parental instinct - and that of most adult humans - to protect the young.

And actually the fact of knowing I would never be in the situation of rejecting a child - because it runs against anything I would do - is the very reason why I think it is ok to "pontificate."

Well, she is a human with a conscience like us all, and presumably would find it difficult to leave a child with a man who is unknown to him. Wouldn’t you? The poor kid would be terrified!

Not if it was the child's father no.

Each to their own I guess. Maybe I’m swayed by the fact that I know how terrified my own kids would have been when they were that age to be handed over to anyone they didn’t know, so I couldn’t do it to anyone else’s child, regardless of how shit I thought Claire/the Dad were.

That's not acceptable but vasectomies have a failure rate too, so any sex still comes with the risk of a child. I would only trust the vasectomy within a committed relationship. Her fault, no. Awful of him, just as it's awful of a woman to do the same. Still wise to double up contraception rather than trust.

Where did I say that it was unprotected sex? It wasn’t. They were using double contraception which conveniently failed.
He booked in his vasectomy after the second one and she wouldn’t have that, she just had to get one more kid in before he had it done.
Of course it’s not all on her, I mean he trusted that she was a normal person who wouldn’t deliberately lie and sabotage, so I guess that’s his fault. I'm fairly certain she damaged the condoms with pin pricks (yes really) before use. And of course, just didn’t take the pill correctly.

Where did I say they were having unprotected sex? 🙄 amazing how people just jump to conclusions on here!

The child definitely is at risk because the person they have been left with has not agreed to look after them- so there is functionally no one responsible for the child-therefore the child is at risk.
Whatever you think might be the motivation of the mother , there is no doubt the child is at risk.

Makes me chuckle to think that @DojaPussy was left holding the baby and her very first course of action was to start a long mumsnet thread 😆

People make up their own stories to suit their own agenda!

Oh baby Barry! This is so worrying. Poor innocent child.

sorry this has landed on you OP.

and thinks as I don’t have children that I should be doing a lot more to help.

Do you know what, OP, I've been suspecting all along that this was her mindset, given that you said you were childfree by choice - I am too and it's surprising how common this mindset seems to be, I've had that trick tried on me once or twice! It's as though because I'm childfree myself I somehow don't deserve the free time it's created, and/or have the 'bandwidth' to relieve someone else of caring for the kids they chose to have. 🙄

Tbh although I said upthread that she sounded like she was struggling to cope, she doesn't deserve the support of her friends if she's going to behave like this. I think you're well rid.

This

Absolutely.
And that they will ensure that the are not able to get a woman pregnant, because they have had the snip.
Problem solved.

This is ridiculous. She didn't ask; she just dumped her child on OP. Who does this?

I may have misunderstood - what is ridiculous? If you mean OP’s friend Claire - yeah, I am glad you agree with me.

But just in case you’re saying my post is ridiculous to be clear - I stated on that post (and other posts upthread) Clare’s completely in the wrong and Op deserves better.

My point as clearly stated was that it’s fine to ask friends to babysit even if you have family. Again - not talking about what Clare did . This is a wider point I was making in response to another comment. .

Have you heard anything from her, OP?

And that is not how a friend is supposed to behave. She is taking advantage of you, and you need to realise that. If you can reach her, let her know this isn't right and that if she does not come for Barry, you shall get the police involved. Simply.

Claires husband is as much of a dick as her, he knows what happened when he puts his dick in a women. Id take him to the Dad. This poor child.

OP, you are brilliant, articulate and hilarous. Good on you for drawing a line and sticking to it. More women should be like this.

The child has never met his father, why in earth would you get in the middle of that rock uo say here you go meet dada! Who would do that.

Because he holds more responsibility for the child than OP, or anybody else other than the mother. The alternative is the police or social services, which is a much worse situation for the child and has further implications, not only for this child, but the siblings. Social services would only do the same, they would contact the father and the family to see if they could take guardianship, if they were fit to do so.

I dont think its fair that the two people who chose to have unprotected sex and produce a child, are the two people who are dipping out of responsibility.

Unprotected sex is how you have babies. Hth