My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

She should do this on Monday when Barry has been safely dispatched and she has had her spa day. They won't do anything now.

The woman was crying and said she couldn’t cope. It may have been crocodile tears. It may have been legitimate and she did exactly what a mother is supposed to do when they have truly reached a mental health crisis, make sure the child is safe and step away to calm down.

I would contact the father and give him a chance to collect his child. If he declines, contact the police and child services.

I’m with the others I’d be taking him to the nearest police station. Let them deal with this bat shit behaviour. Clair is not your friend she’s using you.

Or more likely she's shagging the bloke she's been messaging

I knew someone just like this and she did end up getting all her children taken into care. She sounds completely chaotic.
Unfortunately you cant have this.
I think you should take poor little Barry to the police because she needs any help that social services can provide.
Those poor kids.

I’d phone the police. She’s abandoned her child. It really is a police matter.

Nah. Her BF was WFH and it was an opportunity the child was in the way of.

I have managed to get hold of her mum after ringing repeatedly then texting saying I was going to the police if she didn’t answer.

I know it sounds stupid but I wasn’t even sure if it was a police matter as it didn’t seem necessarily like a crime.
It’s definitely a safeguarding issue which seemed more relevant for social services and it felt like that really would be opening a can of worms for all the other kids.

Claire’s mum didn’t seem concerned about her driving off like she is worried it’s some kind of mental breakdown, she sounded pissed off about having to drop everything to get Barry!

There is a lot more to it but my OP was very long already, Claire just seems to have form at the moment for constantly trying to get other people to have the youngest two kids.
It could be that she’s overwhelmed and not coping on her own and I’m sure that’s likely but she’s not asking for help in the right ways and they really are difficult kids to look after. I think a lot of the problem is that she said she had a very strict upbringing and didn’t want her own kids to feel like she did and now they don’t listen to her or anyone else, ask for things constantly, absolutely trash her house and anyone else’s they visit, hit her when frustrated and fight with each other.

I am very sympathetic but I do offer a LOT of support and thats hard to offer when it just feels like she’s being selfish rather then this being a mental health crisis. It seemed to really escalate when she started dating the man I suspect she’s meeting today…

Should I have just called the police before anyone else? I don’t know if I’ve made the right call now after reading the comments, surely her kids aren’t at risk now other people (especially her family) will be aware of what she’s done and she’ll be unlikely to do it again?

I’m angry and frustrated and can’t think straight.

I would try sister and parents first, then call SS and/or police. I don't think the childminder would take the child without a contract and parental consent.

As awful as it is I strongly suggest this is the case

I completely agree. He willingly conceived two children and initially accepted number three, then continued to have unprotected sex with a woman who he didn’t trust. He’s an idiot and has no grounds whatever to abandon his children. Condoms exist, separate bedrooms exist. Just not shagging exists.

Another vote for police.

There's not enough time for social services or the police.

I'd go with Dad. He may not have wanted another child, but at the end of the day he is a parent and should be parenting the poor child. He didn't have to have sex without a condom

This is neglect, I’d be calling the Police. If she does this, I wonder what kind of lifestyle she’s offering the kids and whether she cares at all about their emotional wellbeing.

And what a horrible dad, to only see two of his kids.

Poor kids - being dragged up by the sounds of things. They deserve better.

I can't wait for an update after you talk to Claire. You did the right thing.

Kiss goodbye to that "friendship", OP - you sound lovely, and Claire is a selfish thorn of fuckwittery who will already be planning how to make this all your fault.

Honestly if her sister or child's dad will not take him. Call the 🚓 for an abandoned child.
Your friend will then get support from children's services!

she ain't having a crisis she's dumped 'Barry' on you to go meeting up with the new bloke

This is astonishing. I'm with the other posters, Call police or social service. Not as a rebuff, but in the interest of a two year old. A hideous situation.

OP, after your update, I still think you need to call Social Services. I would be very concerned about what is happening in that house.

Is she now going to be taking her anger and frustration at the 2 year old? Likely, maybe not physical, but make no mistake there will be emotional abuse.

What will happen once she burns all her bridges? Is she going to lock him alone in the house? I'd say very likely.

She needs to be on SS radar. If you care about these children, you have to take the time to involve them.

I’d be having no further contact with her after this.

She needs reporting to SS either way. Not because she dumped Barry on you today but because she’s clearly unable to cope. People struggle to accept this so won’t reach out for support. Four children is hard but as a solo parent must feel like you’re drowning. The fact she purposely got pregnant is irrelevant really, the children are here and need caring for. Her family don’t sound overly concerned or supportive either and she doesn’t have her ex’s help.

You've done the right thing. This is absolutely outrageous behaviour on her part. Sounds like you have gone above and beyond to help her out in the past. The friendship would be over for me

Jesus, those poor kids

The debate around Claire and her ex-Hs relationship / contraceptive choices is completely irrelevant to the OP.

OP, I'm glad you managed to get hold of a grandparent and hopefully your day is back on track. It's obviously up to you, but I would really seriously consider still reporting this behaviour to the police or social services. It's risky, it's a massive safeguarding risk, there's no telling how it will escalate as Claire starts to lose friends thanks to lack of goodwill, and the children don't deserve it.

With a new man on the scene chances are Baby no. 5 isn't far off.

I would end this 'friendship' immediately. I bet she's "busy" whenever you need help or support!