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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

773 replies

DojaPussy · 27/02/2026 14:15

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

OP posts:
Jasmin71 · 27/02/2026 14:28

Barry needs to be taken to the police station.

He's too young to remember this incident going forward. And, Claire needs a massive wake up call.

DesertRome5 · 27/02/2026 14:28

My heart genuinely breaks for this little boy. I have an almost 2 year old myself, he's so so little.

He has 2 parents that just don't want him. He will be so damaged. This is abuse.

CloakedInGucci · 27/02/2026 14:29

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 27/02/2026 14:25

I would absolutely call the police in these circumstances.

And the friendship would be over.

Edited

Totally agree.

I’d have been on the phone to them before the car was out of sight tbh.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 27/02/2026 14:29

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 27/02/2026 14:28

Ring the police and take Barry to the sister’s. He’ll be safe. Mum will discover there are consequences.

I would apologise to sister and hope she agrees you have no choice.

Apart from anything else, you have an appointment to get to yourself and if you take h8m to the police you’ll never get there.

wishingonastar101 · 27/02/2026 14:30

Where are the other kids? At school? (sorry if I missed this...)

Strawberryfruitstarburst · 27/02/2026 14:30

I doubt a professional child minder would take him under these circumstances but absolutely do not do that option, the child will be be scared and won’t have had any settling in or met the child minder?

TonTonMacoute · 27/02/2026 14:30

DesertRome5 · 27/02/2026 14:27

While anger is understandable, please also consider that there is no way a mother in her right mind would do this. He's 2. And you seem to have a lot of sympathy for a man who abandoned 2 children, that man is a fucking psychopath.

Call the police and social services but reserve some sympathy for your friend who is clearly just not coping.

I'm sorry, but a man who has made it perfectly clear that he only wants two children and who has been deceived not once, but twice, by his wife, is not a psychopath. His main mistake was not having had the vasectomy straight away.

WallaceinAnderland · 27/02/2026 14:30

You also have to consider that the woman was crying, said she couldn't cope any more and drove off. She may also be at risk of self harm. Call the police.

Soontobe60 · 27/02/2026 14:31

Although her actions are pretty reprehensible with the proviso that she isn’t having a mental health crisis and felt like she didn’t have any option but to leave her DS with someone who knows him, I would hope that you’d be able to look after him rather than phone the police or send him to a stranger childminder as ultimately he should not be the scapegoat in all of this.
However, I think the ‘friendship’ is well and truly over, whatever action you decide to take.

GreyCarpet · 27/02/2026 14:31

I'm afraid I agree with calling the police. It's neglect.

I also think it's the tip of the iceberg and she needs proper support. This isn't it.

Shinyhappyapple · 27/02/2026 14:31

wishingonastar101 · 27/02/2026 14:20

This is so horrible. I would take Barry to the dad's office. He doesn't sound like a great parent either... taking him to the police would mean she has her children taken into care, I would imagine, and, although she deserves that - do the kids?

Edited

Involvement from social services doesn’t necessarily mean the children will be placed into care. However the kind of thing I would expect to see from any support plan would include funding for childcare (I think they can support some hours from age 2) and maybe parenting advice or other support from a family support worker which may mean a group or one to one. Or if the older children are in school, it may mean extra support via the children’s school.

I think leaving the child at the workplace of a man who he doesn’t even know is an awful thing to do, and how that would even be possible I have no idea. Dropping off a crying child at the workplace of someone who won’t acknowledge them is likely to result in a police call out from the workplace anyway.

KoalaKoKo · 27/02/2026 14:32

Take him to the dad! I think you are being too fair on him - he may have been tricked into baby 3 & 4 but surely after one lot of contraceptives failed and baby 3 was born he could have started wearing a condom! He chose to have sex with someone determined to have more kids - he can’t then abandon this kids! The dad needs to be a dad! I would ditch the friend after this too!

Focussingonme · 27/02/2026 14:32

Wow, this is crazy. I agree, she clearly needs help but that isn't on you. Take him to the sister and ring the police on the way and be on your way.

You have to be really direct with the police and SS as they will try to get you to keep him temporarily as he knows you and you clearly care for him so you have to maintain you cannot.

No more engagement with Claire or her family. This is beyond unacceptable no matter what her "important appointment" is but I suspect it's meeting the boyfriend as you suggest.

tootyflooty · 27/02/2026 14:32

I would call ss and say the child has been abandoned, not maliciously, but she clearly is not stable to have done that, and the child could be in danger if returned to her, this goes beyond her having a bad day, she may secretly be resenting the child for the break down of her marriage and the chaos that is now her life, if she is heading for a breakdown she will need support, to keep both her and her children safe.

GreyCarpet · 27/02/2026 14:32

Soontobe60 · 27/02/2026 14:31

Although her actions are pretty reprehensible with the proviso that she isn’t having a mental health crisis and felt like she didn’t have any option but to leave her DS with someone who knows him, I would hope that you’d be able to look after him rather than phone the police or send him to a stranger childminder as ultimately he should not be the scapegoat in all of this.
However, I think the ‘friendship’ is well and truly over, whatever action you decide to take.

What about the OP's plans?

outdooryone · 27/02/2026 14:32

Sounds like a cry for help as much as manipulation.
I would be speaking to her - and calling social services as this is a safeguarding matter as well.

Dollymylove · 27/02/2026 14:33

Poor little Barry.
But hes not your problem.
Take him to the local copshop and give the police his mothers details

pictoosh · 27/02/2026 14:33

I'd take Barry along to her sister.

I'm not going to comment on the rest because I don't know. I'd want as little to do with it as possible.

It's probably the end of your friendship with Clare.

AmandaBrotzman · 27/02/2026 14:33

Do not phone social services, that's a waste of time today. Either take him to a relative and drop him off or call the police. I doubt police will do much TBH, he's in a safe place.

LittleGreenDragons · 27/02/2026 14:33

WallaceinAnderland · 27/02/2026 14:30

You also have to consider that the woman was crying, said she couldn't cope any more and drove off. She may also be at risk of self harm. Call the police.

Agree with this. Contact the police for a welfare check on your friend at the very least.

PurpleLovecats · 27/02/2026 14:33

TonTonMacoute · 27/02/2026 14:30

I'm sorry, but a man who has made it perfectly clear that he only wants two children and who has been deceived not once, but twice, by his wife, is not a psychopath. His main mistake was not having had the vasectomy straight away.

Show quote history

Or wearing a condom?

PrettyPickle · 27/02/2026 14:34

I would report this to Social Services for two reasons.

  1. if she genuinely cannot cope and is at home having a breakdown, she needs help now.
  2. If she is out on a date, she has abandoned her child and deserves to get done for it and I agree with an earlier posters comment that this is probably the tip of the iceberg.

Your "friend" is either relying on guilt tripping you or is on the bridge about to jump....she needs you one way or another and whether she likes the consequences or not.

If would text her husband and parent and tell them what she has done and tell them you have notified SS. Make it clear she has acted unreasonably and only an investigation will evidence why.

Don't feel guilty, she led you to this place but I think you can kiss your plans for the day goodbye.

CloakedInGucci · 27/02/2026 14:35

Soontobe60 · 27/02/2026 14:31

Although her actions are pretty reprehensible with the proviso that she isn’t having a mental health crisis and felt like she didn’t have any option but to leave her DS with someone who knows him, I would hope that you’d be able to look after him rather than phone the police or send him to a stranger childminder as ultimately he should not be the scapegoat in all of this.
However, I think the ‘friendship’ is well and truly over, whatever action you decide to take.

Simply looking after him and not involving any official services is a terrible idea.

If she’s having a mental health crisis and has driven off after abandoning her child then she may need immediate help.
If she did it totally in her right mind, then her children need help.

rainbowsparkle28 · 27/02/2026 14:35

Call the police and social services.

PineappleMelon · 27/02/2026 14:35

Poor Barry.

I’d call the police and say I was worried for her in her current state of mind that she was a danger to herself (and that she has other children).

Then I’d take Barry to his dads. He’s not completely innocent - condoms exist!!

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