My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

Haha 🤣 I didn’t see the comment you’re replying to, I can only imagine how judgemental it was!
Claire sounds like my sister, made a career out of procreating but wants the best of both worlds and wants to live the single life too!
Tough 💩 Claire, you’ve got kids to look after so do what everyone else does, get a job, pay for childcare!
Only people that disagree will be likeminded Mums!
OP don’t ever feel guilty about doing “you” it’s your life, your choice, let Claire find someone else to use and abuse

I'd try the child minder, and hope your 'friend' reimburses you later, then her sister. If neither works, I'd look after the child myself. I wouldn't involve the cops or Childrens Services (yet).. Then I'd warn your friend that 'next time' I'll definitely call in Childrens Services and hand over the kiddy to them. ALSO I'd have a good discussion with other people including her sister and if poss her ex, and other friends/folk involved, with a view to deciding to call in Childrens Services anyway. It sounds to me like she's not coping and Childrens Services are the experts. I imagine that they will be involved sooner or later, and sooner would be better than later. But you don't want to blindside her hubby or sister or other family. They really should be involved before you call in Childrens Services, or at least informed/forewarned. Unfair to do it without their knowledge, and they may well never forgive you (poor you - what a situation to find yourself in.) 'Barry' would end up in some sort of Care, temporary or longer-term, and no one likes the sound of that, even if it's what might be necessary for the poor kid. Best if you're not blamed, if avoidable. Good luck. Hope you found a solution, by now.

That's absolute crap. OF COURSE they care about families. Everyone knows that in 99% of cases children are better off with their families and not in care. I know several social workers and they genuinely do their best for the whole family, if they can help they will. What world are you living in?!

Wow! For so many reasons. Firstly I understand how you feel... you have chosen a carefree life of zero child responsibilities. Good for you! Assuming she's not behaved like this before I think dropping a toddler off at the police station is beyond a dick move. How fucking terrifying will that be for a 2 year old. I would go on to say - you're not a mother so perhaps you wouldn't understand, but then there are all these bitches on here who are mothers and telling you to do precisely this - God help the future generations 🙈. There any many options which do not involve taking him to the police. The father and family should be the first options. would absolutely inform SS and I would tell both parents you are going to do so. Not because you're angry and inconvenienced , but because it is in the best interest of all the children. Sometimes in life we have to do things that we don't want to do, things we haven't chosen to do, sometimes it is just about being a decent human , even when it's inconvenient and even when nobody's watching.

Jesus Christ this woman has got absolutely everything she deserves in life! I cannot stand women who lie to their partners and get pregnant without their agreement! Well done on him for leaving her she thoroughly deserves it. I don’t agree with him having nothing to do with the younger two kids though that is not their fault. But she made her bed so she can lie in it, taking the absolute piss out of a lovely friend who has helped her on many occasions, horrible selfish person. OP don’t ever speak to her again and if you find out who the poor man is who she is dating warn him never to touch her without a condom on. The poor kids, women like her are an embarrassment to our gender!

How is it unfair on him?‽‽!

Ring Social Services, if they don't want to deal with it take the child to the Police station.
Your friend has serious mental health problems and the sooner she gets the help she needs the better.

This!

Why should he get a vasectomy that is something that is permanent! He may decide he wants a child with someone new who doesn’t lie and manipulate. She was his wife who he should have been able to trust to take the contraceptive she said she was taking. The sooner they develop a male contraceptive the better for all of our sons to be protected from dispicable women who lie and manipulate like this.

Yeah well that’s the nature of MN, we can still comment long after the post goes up, and after all most people aren’t sat glued to it to give real time advice!

Did you think OP was still sitting there more than 30 hours later with this child, still wondering what to do? You don’t need to give ‘real time updates’, you just have to understand most people aren’t hanging around with a toddler for that length of time whilst doing nothing.

And yes you can comment any time. But the longer you leave it after the initial event, the sillier your comment looks.

Parents who've had involvement with social services tend to lie about why it happened, though. "The house was messy" or "I had post-natal depression" are the go-to excuses.

But op has updated, childs Gm collected him, op continued with plans, friend now xfriend and blocked,

Parents who've had involvement with social services tend to lie about why it happened, though. "The house was messy" or "I had post-natal depression" are the go-to excuses.

^ sorry for the double post!

I know that because I have been reading the thread, and crucially, I have read OP’s updates.

Drop child to his father.
He was there at conception ffs.

Yet the OP had time to write an essay on Mumsnet just 30 minutes after this happened 🤔

Because she said she was giving her friend the time it took to write the post to come back and collect the child before she took further action. RTFT!

I’d anonymously report to social services if I was in your position. She will likely know it’s you but you can move on knowing that professionals have assessed and likely offered the support for her & the children

Cos his poor willy got tricked. And now he is going to punish her by punishing the children.

Both parents sound disgraceful but I seriously can't believe how some posters think she is the worst of the two.

Also has anyone actually looked up the definition of abandonment? Pretty sure in this context it doesn't include an intention to return the same day ...

Absolutely not! Women who does this are vile manipulative thieves in my view. Children are emotional and financial responsibility for life, it should be agreed by both parties for them to be conceived. Any woman who does this and the man walks out on her gets exactly what she deserves.

Indeed.

But the children get what THEY DON'T deserve. That's the point here.

99% effective, so one in 100 women can fall pregnant while taking it responsibly, and there are millions of sexually active women. So I don't see how you can say women never fall pregnant on it, or else it would be 100% effective if taken properly. My friend fell pregnant while having the implant!

I mean it must be really surprising behaviour from somebody who's always been very clear they don't want kids.