My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

I agree. I remember being the only childless member in my team years ago. I'd always get stuck behind finishing something while they left and promised to log on later (usually for ten mins to make a few small changes and ensure their name was showing as the 'last edited by' on the doc).

A few had defo voiced the opinion that people should all muck in and help for the future of our society etc. Fuck that, I wanted to go to the gym. I didn't have kids because I don't want to be responsible for them. Fuck pulling the weight for somebody's else's, especially when this planet is bursting at the seams with humans.

OP you’ve been a good friend over the years, but it’s time to draw a line under it. I don’t think there is any coming back from her behaviour.

’Claire’ priorities more DC, despite knowing this was at the expense of her relationship, but now expects you and everyone else in her life to deal with the consequences of her poor choices.

She didn’t even have the decency to tell you where she was going before dumping her DS on you, I have no sympathy for her.

She’s 40, time for her to grow up.

Not the point.
He didn't dump the child, she DID.

That’s child endangerment and abandonment. If she’s ditching her kids to go shagging - she absolutely deserves a word from the police. You should have called them. Next time she could put them at risk and leave them at home alone or worse.

Do people genuinely think social services is there to support families?! What world are you living in? It’s actually worrying that people think this. SS are there to “protect” children, they do not care about supporting families, keeping families together, or offering support to overwhelmed mothers. They often remove children from their parents for the most minor things. Just Google it, there are countless cases of a child being removed because there were dirty dishes in the kitchen, a new mother has a history of low-level depression, or is suffering from post-natal depression. There is no support for these parents, they just remove their children, who then end up stuck in foster homes and traumatised from being taken away from their parents. The system is under-funded and extremely highly pressured. It results in massive, systematic failures. Reporting anyone to social services for something like what the OP has described is a vile thing to do

Going to guess SS have felt the need to be extensively involved with your children / family @Fearlesssloth !

Oh you’re the poster who started the thread would you date someone who had recently been in prison

well there’s my answer to whether SS have ever been involved with your children @Fearlesssloth !!

No, no and no. You are not being unreasonable - she is and what's more she's batshit.

Call the police and consider the friendship ended. What friend has she been to you? No friend - she's been taking you for a mug.

Police and Social Services

So this is abandonment. This lady isn’t coping. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and you must inform police and social services. Under no circumstances can this be allowed to go on. This may also be the end of your friendship as well as you need to take a step back.

On another note I believe women have a want/need for a baby.

This woman would like a very nice new sports car, and I could afford it, but I wouldn't expect someone else to support me financially, it would be my choice and therefore my responsibility.

Claire’s an entitled fail.

Worth trying a crack across the knuckles so she sees sense - where will she get one?

The police might help her. Maybe new BF could have a word?

She sounds like a terrible mother, why is she even seeing someone when she has 4 kids to take care of? Because 100% this guy isn't going to stick around, men rarely want to be with women with kids, especially when she has 4 and 2 are so young, if she can't cope alone this guy is not going to want to be around her and the kids, it's doomed to fail.

She needs to get used to taking care of her kids and functioning before even considering a relationship

She CHOSE to have two more children AFTER her husband said no more! Why shoul we feel pity for her. She's made her bed...

That’s really sad. Unbelievable the DH has abandoned the younger to but sees the eldest and they are biologically his!
please reach out to the father and grandparents first before you go down the authorities route!
Be Kind it’s an awful situation for everyone involved some of these comments are so cold hearted. Imagine if the kids were REALLY removed from her care you’d feel so guilty for life. Please reach out to her immediate family before ‘dropping them off at police station or calling SS’

Tell your friend to pick him up within 15 minutes or you will take him to Social Services and tell them his mother abandoned him at your house

More than 30 hours after the OP started this thread, and over 650 posts, thank god someone has come up with a sensible answer.

Not being sarcastic at all. No, really. Not in the slightest.

Dear OP .. so what happened in the end?
I hope it worked out. Feeling for you with that horrible situation !

Jeeez MN really is full of righteous, ignorant sheep isn’t it. SS have never been involved with my kids. And you know zero about my circumstances so don’t assume anything, it makes you look like a fool. They have been involved with my sister’s kids when she was suffering from PND and really needed support. Her ex made constant reports to them that she was a danger to them (she wasn’t) because of her PND. Did they think to try and get her help/referrals to specialist services/therapy/help her bond with her baby/advise her on how to deal with her abusive ex etc? No. They just contributed to her depression by putting her under such intense stress and scrutiny that she attempted to take her own life over it. She needed support to get a restraining order against the baby’s father and therapy for her PND. Instead they tried to take her baby away from her. There was zero evidence to suggest she was neglecting the baby’s needs or was abusive towards him in any way. How can any sane person think this is a helpful solution for either the baby or the mother?

Tell the police. You are not a child minded.
Unless someone stops her just leaving the children. She wanted 4. So it's her issue.

Take him to Dad, let him deal with the aftermath of this shitshow, and block her on everything

@Stanthedog15 @Kelly1969 it was over 24 hours ago. The child is long gone.

I'd be making myself continue because, as I made clear to my DH before I slept with him, it's not something I feel I could do or consider. The point being: He knows the deal, he's equally responsible for any resulting pregnancy and can't claim he was tricked. He had the opportunity to say that if that's how I feel, he doesn't want to take the risk. He didn't. No 'poor man not given the choice by the woman'. That is true of any man who is thinking with the big head. They know sex can equal pregnancy. I can't feel sorry for a man who doesn't take charge of his own fertility and ends up with a baby.

Then he should have had a vasectomy, preferably before the third child was conceived and certainly before the fourth.
He didn't and then just decided to punish his two youngest children. This is not a good man.
Claire's behaviour is completely out of line and those poor children need support because let's face it neither of their parents is going to provide support.

This feels like a very one-sided view. I've had the opposite (direct) experience of social services, they’re very much there to keep families together (to keep children with parents) and will support that end often in the context of looking past addiction, prostitution and other concerns in order to do so.