Page 29 | My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

DojaPussy · 2026-02-27T14:15:02+00:00

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4. Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2. He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again. Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now. Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time. Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s! I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time. I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats. I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant. Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”. I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed! She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to. Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message. She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off! I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare. I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next… I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him, Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in, take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care. I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him. I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier. I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life! It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already. Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

WestEaste · 01/03/2026 03:14

It sounds like you have a weird relationship with this friend/ex friend. how has it got to this point? Normal people would have set a boundary sooner and if that wasn’t respected, distanced themselves from the relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in my 20s and see some of my friends as family. However those that do have kids, have their own family for childcare support. Hence, my friends would never leave their kids with me like this. It just would never come into the equation regardless of how friendly I am with their kids.

Hence why I find your relationship with this friend to be too much. You’re not sisters, you have no responsibility to look after her children. Her comments around you having too much free time so you need to help her, and her own mother relaying this to you as if she’s meditating a dispute between her blood children is bizarre. You are not part of their family unit, you get none of the positives, but just some hidden expectation that you pick up the slack for her poor decisions.

To me, it’s a very weird relationship where boundaries are blurred/crossed. As a mate you shouldn’t be her first choice for childcare. The only circumstances I’d say it’s appropriate, are only in a true emergency where no other family members are available. i think she has taken the piss but I also think you need to accept some responsibility because this isn’t the first time she has pushed your boundaries.

Straycats · 01/03/2026 03:25

TheDaysAreGettingLongerAtLast · 28/02/2026 00:29

I personally don't believe people who claim the pill failed.
It never failed me once in decades.
I do believe a lot of women claim the pill failed when it fact they forgot to take it.
That's why I prefer the coil - it should be the one recommended for vulnerable women or those with mental health issues.

I think it's facetious and unhelpful to keep saying men should also use a condom. It is the most unreliable contraceptive on the market.

I used condoms at the start of my relationship and ended up pregnant.
It stayed in when he pulled out.
That has to happen a lot.
I never relied on one ever again.

I do think men should book a vasectomy as soon as they have the number of children they want but the waiting lists are far too long - 18 months depending on where you live. I know 3 men who have had one so things are going in the right direction. Much more advertising is needed for this and there should be a dedicated appointment for fathers-to-be to cover this option and educate them on the high risk of pregnancy within one month of giving birth, etc.
Men do not get the same level of information or education on contraception.

This particular woman looks like she is trying to get pregnant for a 5th time with a new boyfriend...

Social services should be dealing with that reality head on and not tippy toeing around her. She is mentally ill or delinquent and she is already not coping with the four children she chose to bring into the world. She needs to get her tubes tied or the coil inserted otherwise she will keeping bringing more children into the world that she is incapable of looking after and all of them will be neglected and vulnerable.

Her ex also needs to step up and be a father to his four children.

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what an idiotic response?
I fell pregnant on the pill, coil and mini pill with my second, third and fourth children.
I did ask hubby to get the snip and he didn’t. Why make it out that all women who fall pregnant that it’s their fault?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 01/03/2026 04:03

Summerhut2025 · 01/03/2026 00:34

Absolutely not! Women who does this are vile manipulative thieves in my view. Children are emotional and financial responsibility for life, it should be agreed by both parties for them to be conceived. Any woman who does this and the man walks out on her gets exactly what she deserves.

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Any man that abandons his own children is an absolute piece of shit. It doesn't matter at all if he didn't want children. If he had sex with a woman and that resulted in pregnancy he's on for it.

Objectrelations · 01/03/2026 04:41

Yes social services/police.

Notsosweetcaroline · 01/03/2026 07:25

Mumtobabyhavoc · 01/03/2026 04:03

Any man that abandons his own children is an absolute piece of shit. It doesn't matter at all if he didn't want children. If he had sex with a woman and that resulted in pregnancy he's on for it.

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I think quite frankly they are both a piece of shit. Neither behaved well. Forcing someone into parenthood by deception is unacceptable. As is no involvement in a child’s life. But here we are.

either way the op did the right thing contact the grandmother, there is no way the op should have been forcing a first time meeting with this child and his father.

echt · 01/03/2026 07:58

WestEaste · 01/03/2026 03:14

It sounds like you have a weird relationship with this friend/ex friend. how has it got to this point? Normal people would have set a boundary sooner and if that wasn’t respected, distanced themselves from the relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in my 20s and see some of my friends as family. However those that do have kids, have their own family for childcare support. Hence, my friends would never leave their kids with me like this. It just would never come into the equation regardless of how friendly I am with their kids.

Hence why I find your relationship with this friend to be too much. You’re not sisters, you have no responsibility to look after her children. Her comments around you having too much free time so you need to help her, and her own mother relaying this to you as if she’s meditating a dispute between her blood children is bizarre. You are not part of their family unit, you get none of the positives, but just some hidden expectation that you pick up the slack for her poor decisions.

To me, it’s a very weird relationship where boundaries are blurred/crossed. As a mate you shouldn’t be her first choice for childcare. The only circumstances I’d say it’s appropriate, are only in a true emergency where no other family members are available. i think she has taken the piss but I also think you need to accept some responsibility because this isn’t the first time she has pushed your boundaries.

How dare you.
Read the OP's OP and say where boundaries are blurred. She selflessly helped her friend is all.
Just because you wouldn't choose a friend over a relation for childcare means, er....fuck all. The OP describes what happened.

ThriveAT · 01/03/2026 07:58

Call social services and the police. This is child neglect.

Cetim · 01/03/2026 08:07

Poor little Barry. This is a mess.

Ladyle · 01/03/2026 08:16

echt · 01/03/2026 07:58

How dare you.
Read the OP's OP and say where boundaries are blurred. She selflessly helped her friend is all.
Just because you wouldn't choose a friend over a relation for childcare means, er....fuck all. The OP describes what happened.

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Yeah I don’t get takes like this - it makes me think some people don’t have good friends. So obviously this Claire has behaved terribly but in general it’s perfectly fine to ask your friends to babysit if you trust them and they’re in a position to.

I used to babysit a lot for 3 or 4 friends when I was between the ages of 18 and 25. Even after that I used to occasionally take those same friends kids out on day trips because they saw me as their aunty and we has grown close in their younger years when I used to babysit regularly. In some cases they know me better than their own blood relatives.

If YOU don’t want to ask your friends that’s absolutely fine too, but don’t demonise people who ask their friends to babysit or friends who kindly oblige .

I have a friend who trusts me more than her own family where she grew up abused, needless to say she’d rather I babysat than her siblings /parents.

But even if you have a good relationship with your family it’s still okay to ask friends if you so choose to. And of course it’s okay for your friends to decline for any reason too.

Ferrit6 · 01/03/2026 08:24

Please don’t involve police or social services I can’t believe people want the children to have the sort of disruption in their lives that may follow this - father or family will do the right thing and read her the riot act - put the kids feelings first as adults - social services are understaffed and under trained and using them to make a point is unfair on everyone and kids being abused and neglected need this resource - and then tell your friend you have had enough and mean it

Insidesains · 01/03/2026 08:36

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Tryagain26 · 01/03/2026 08:39

WestEaste · 01/03/2026 03:14

It sounds like you have a weird relationship with this friend/ex friend. how has it got to this point? Normal people would have set a boundary sooner and if that wasn’t respected, distanced themselves from the relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in my 20s and see some of my friends as family. However those that do have kids, have their own family for childcare support. Hence, my friends would never leave their kids with me like this. It just would never come into the equation regardless of how friendly I am with their kids.

Hence why I find your relationship with this friend to be too much. You’re not sisters, you have no responsibility to look after her children. Her comments around you having too much free time so you need to help her, and her own mother relaying this to you as if she’s meditating a dispute between her blood children is bizarre. You are not part of their family unit, you get none of the positives, but just some hidden expectation that you pick up the slack for her poor decisions.

To me, it’s a very weird relationship where boundaries are blurred/crossed. As a mate you shouldn’t be her first choice for childcare. The only circumstances I’d say it’s appropriate, are only in a true emergency where no other family members are available. i think she has taken the piss but I also think you need to accept some responsibility because this isn’t the first time she has pushed your boundaries.

When my children were young my friends were always my first choice for childcare and I was their's. It was very normal and not at all a weird relationship!

pictoosh · 01/03/2026 08:49

Ferrit6 · 01/03/2026 08:24

Please don’t involve police or social services I can’t believe people want the children to have the sort of disruption in their lives that may follow this - father or family will do the right thing and read her the riot act - put the kids feelings first as adults - social services are understaffed and under trained and using them to make a point is unfair on everyone and kids being abused and neglected need this resource - and then tell your friend you have had enough and mean it

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People here want drama. They want an exciting story to follow. It's easy to urge someone on here to take potent actions that feed into that, when they are not the ones having to do it.

Missey85 · 01/03/2026 08:51

A girl I knew did this to me I called social services to come and get the kids she's no longer a friend

Missey85 · 01/03/2026 08:55

Ferrit6 · 01/03/2026 08:24

Please don’t involve police or social services I can’t believe people want the children to have the sort of disruption in their lives that may follow this - father or family will do the right thing and read her the riot act - put the kids feelings first as adults - social services are understaffed and under trained and using them to make a point is unfair on everyone and kids being abused and neglected need this resource - and then tell your friend you have had enough and mean it

Edited

Sometimes that's whats needed though I wish someone had called them on my parents instead I had to stay in a abusive home until I walked out at 13 and never looked back

focused1 · 01/03/2026 08:56

If you take him to a police station the child would be terrified . Best bet is the sister -a familiar face . I would phone her first but make it as easy as possible for the child . His mother needs help. I would chat with the sister about next steps but insist the child is not your responsibility and don’t be coaxed into keeping. him any longer. Social services may be the best option for help as if his mum is ill then the whole family need help
. This takes responsibility away from you and long term it supports the child .

Minniliscious · 01/03/2026 08:58

ClairDeLaLune · 01/03/2026 00:08

Because she said she was giving her friend the time it took to write the post to come back and collect the child before she took further action. RTFT!

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Bloody hell, calm down dear! I did RTFT!! I meant that the OP had time to write a very, very, very long articulate post just after being dumped with a demanding 2 year old? Surely he was with her and needed attention? My first reaction wouldn’t be to post the whole history on Mumsnet immediately 😂😂

I smell BS to be honest ……

Summerhut2025 · 01/03/2026 09:04

83048274j · 27/02/2026 23:37

Not every woman sees that as an option though. I never did. I made it very clear to my DH that if our contraception ever failed, before we had sex the first time, that I would not be having a termination and he could expect to be a father. He accepted this and that no birth control is perfect. Any man knows these things and so they are equally responsible for any baby that results.

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An accident or contraceptive failing is one thing, lying and purposefully telling a man it had failed when you know fine well you made it fail on purpose is another.

EH1768 · 01/03/2026 09:17

Auroraloves · 27/02/2026 14:36

Plus also continuing to have sex with no other protection

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this 100%

MayaPinion · 01/03/2026 09:18

GaIadriel · 28/02/2026 14:52

I don't think it's that simple. A relationship is built on trust and mutual respect. If there is an agreement that they don't want more children then it's a betrayal of trust IMO to suddenly say "whoops, I'm pregnant now, tough shit sucka".

I think men should have the option of opting out if they don't want more children. But they'd have to sign something to this effect to stop them playing along for sex and then changing their story. Most women won't agree as many like to have their cake and eat it.

I wouldn't want 18 years of payments for a child I didn't want resting on whether a condom might break one day.

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Of course they can opt out - at the point where it comes to putting their penis into a vagina and ejaculating. THAT is the point at which they can opt out. Men know this. They’re not that stupid. They are in charge of their own fertility. It’s not our job to manage that as well.

Summerhut2025 · 01/03/2026 09:23

Lampzade · 28/02/2026 05:34

Something similar happened to me
Dh’s cousin had four dcs ( at the time they were all under the age of 10) . The father of the DCs had left her.
We lived in Kent at the time . Dh and I were not yet married
Dh’s cousin phoned him up said that she needed someone to take care of her DCs for one night because she had a job interview in Manchester the next day.

Dh said that it wasn’t possible as both of us were working and couldn’t take time off at such short notice
That evening she phoned dh and asked if he was at home . He told her that he was
Ten minutes later the door bell rang , I opened the door to be greeted by dh’s cousin’s four dcs holding rucksacks .
She had left her dcs. . Dh was furious, but there wasn’t much we could do and I thought it would only be for a night
She returned seven days later . Apparently she hadn’t travelled to Manchester for a job , she had gone to meet her new boyfriend .
To add insult to injury when she returned she didn’t even thank me for looking after her four dcs .
Dh and his cousin no longer talk

Omg with no contact at all? That’s shocking I would have called SS if she hadn’t returned in an hour.

WhatOnEarthm8 · 01/03/2026 09:25

TonTonMacoute · 27/02/2026 14:30

I'm sorry, but a man who has made it perfectly clear that he only wants two children and who has been deceived not once, but twice, by his wife, is not a psychopath. His main mistake was not having had the vasectomy straight away.

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I can't understand in any case how someone could just walk away from their family even if she did try and get pregnant deliberately. Its always the women's fault she got pregnant. How someone could bother with 2 children but not the other 2, is uncomprehensionable.

Fearlesssloth · 01/03/2026 09:29

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RampantIvy · 01/03/2026 09:34

On another note I believe women have a want/need for a baby. I am in a minority and don’t judge women for making up the lie. But women need to lie because they will be judged.

@Sometimeswinning No-one needs a baby. Women may want a baby, but they absolutely need to think with their heads not their hearts. Having a baby is not a right, and I absolutely judge women who choose to have babies when it really is a bad idea.

Deliberately "forgetting" to use contraception in order to get pregnant is irresponsible if the sperm donor is not on board.

This woman and her ex are both irresponsible and culpable.

JediNinja · 01/03/2026 09:41

WhatOnEarthm8 · 01/03/2026 09:25

I can't understand in any case how someone could just walk away from their family even if she did try and get pregnant deliberately. Its always the women's fault she got pregnant. How someone could bother with 2 children but not the other 2, is uncomprehensionable.

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If she manipulated him to this extent, I bet there's lots of other things she's done to make him leave the family. I doubt everything was peachy except that she got pregnant when he had said he didn't want more. The level of manipulation must go deep. One doesn't become a master manipulator with no guilt and laugh about using him for money and babies, and have at the same time a nice relationship. I would assume he left because of other stuff. If he sees the older two but not the younger ones, I bet there are questions about paternity. Maybe he did use condoms etc and doesn't believe the kids are his.