My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

[DojaPussy]

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

I imagine life is probably quite difficult for your friend at the moment, solo parenting four children with minimal support from the father. Regardless of her decisions, it sounds like she really needs help. You don't have to be the one who gives it to her so I think social services is probably the fairest course of action. I dont know whether its police business or not, unless you're concerned for her or your childrens welfare?

Have read all OP's posts - wow, respect to you for the way you have handled it. Claire does not deserve you.

Let's say I don't blame the husband that left her atttttt all. She's a bit crazy 🤣 snt she? Wants sex but not caring for her own kids? I would have dropped the baby to his dad, you said is not fair but how is it fair to you? Massive reason I only have 1 kid extremely well behaved too. I'm not a kids fan either and my husband and I were adamant to have more. We like our lifestyle, travelling abroad 3/4 times a year, nice house , nice school, we couldn't do it with another one. We also picked US as a couple.

You really need to protect yourself from this and pull back on contact, it’s the only way she’ll get her act together. She chose to have the children not you, and the fact that you have no children absolutely does not mean you should be babysitting hers! And there is no excuse for her nastiness no matter how much pressure she is under.

Or social services? My SiL did this many moons ago with herctwo oldest kids on me & my SO, EVEN AFTER we had said no and then vrry quickly aftrr she had left shecrang and gavevus a frirnds details who woild have them.
SO andvmysrlfvhadvnotvhd kids at this moment in time so were happily childfree.

Classic mumsnet bingo response. 🤣

I don't like that some women moan about every little inequality against women but then vehemently argue against men facing any.

It's a power imbalance that two people can have sex and only one has no choice over whether they become a parent in the event of a pregnancy. It's just a biological fact, granted, but so is women bearing children and we don't just shrug and accept that causing us discrimination in the workplace.

If you deliberately lie about being on the pill resulting in a bloke who doesn't want kids having to pay for one for 18 years then I don't think you can really moan about him not being engaged/being resentful. It's also on the mother for bringing the kids into this dynamic.

Any outcome??? What has she done??

It’s only a criminal offence if leaving them results in harm to the child. The woman knew the OP could be trusted with the child. So it is not a criminal offence.

That's not the case where I am. The act of abandonment is the criminal act. Charges get added on if the child is harmed. Kids can be left in the hospital and it's still child abandonment. She left her 2 year old with someone who refused to take him and drove off and would not respond to phone messages. Even her mother didn't respond until OP threatened to call the police.

have managed to get hold of her mum after ringing repeatedly then texting saying I was going to the police if she didn’t answer.

They knew if OP called the police, the shit would hit the fan. Those kids are not safe, they are at risk. This is when Social Services need to step in, before something irrevocable happens.

Yes, any contraceptive can fail, but the ex. was very clear about wanting only two children, accepted the "unplanned" third child, then decided to take contraception to a next level - and what do you know, a fourth baby magically came to be. As the OP said, the mother hardly hides the fact she did it on purpose. So yes, I'm with the husband here. What his wife did was a very big breach of trust. Indeed he's still the father, but I guess that if he comes home there will be a fifth child? I understand for him leaving was the only option left.

Claire is awful, poor kids, she wanted the kids now she should deal with them, her ex only wanted two, she wanted more she should have thought of the consequences l have no sympathy for her only for the children who don't deserve such a mother.

I get your point in terms of logic, but in reality it will be a huge issue for most women if their partner straight up says they can't trust them, as the previous poster said herself.

What happens in reality is that men just take the chance and a small number get burned. Same as we have to take the chance with partners, not knowing at first whether they're a wolf in sheep's clothing, or a decent guy.

The difference is that men are just expected to suck it up whereas women aren't told to say single to avoid domestic abuse - there's a lot of talk around this area and how men need to shape up.

Claire is a cunt

I blame the woman.😂

Unfortunately as much as some posters are saying there’s no need for social services, if anything happened to those kids in the future you wouldn’t want the fact that this happened hanging over your head. They may just record it but at least there would be evidence.

Yes she may be struggling but she was told no and did it anyway, that is rude and disrespectful especially in the face of all the help you have previously offered.

Call the police, this is child abandonment amd she knows it.
Or better drive over to your local station and drop childhood and tell them what has happened and mothers name stating you cannot look after the child because of appointments

It's a "small village" you say, so, do you know where this guy who works from home lives? If her car's there, I'd enjoy knocking on that door and dropping off Barry.

I have a feeling that many of these 'accidental' births would miraculously stop happening if men could sign a pre-nup saying they don't want kids and aren't required to pay for any.

Yep! You win.

I only read your posts OP, not the whole thing. I have no idea why your friend thinks you chosing not to have kids makes them entitled to your time. Only two people are responsible for their kids.

I agree your friend isn’t coping, but don’t agree it’s your problem and totally understand your actions.

I also agree dad should has been the fallback.

Is there an update? I’m invested

Stand firm @DojaPussy Claire has totally abused your friendship and her mum suggesting that you could help more is galling! Go and live your child free life and do not let any village gossip make you feel guilty for ending this ‘friendship’. Claire and her Ex made their bed, let them lie in it. I wonder if her new guy knows what he’s letting himself in for?!

I just wanted to jump on and say I completely agree with you. Why should you, just because you don’t have a child/children yourself drop everything to help someone who chose to have more than she can cope with. She is the selfish one, not you. You sound like a lovely friend and she will regret this horrible behaviour. You are better off without someone who is such a drain on you, sounds like she took a lot more from you than the other way around. Not an equal friendship in any way. Good riddance to her…. Enjoy your life! x

Not sure why everyone is piling on re contraception OR the Dad.
The point is, this 'mother' ran off & left her child. Disgusting behaviour.

Can you really not see why?

The mum "ran off" for an afternoon; the dad ran off for life.