To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

This is exactly why your friends aren’t talking to you.

You said your husband did some "bad stuff" and went to prison and have now said that it wasn't sexual but it "sort of involved a kid".

It is not fair to tar someone for the sins of another, but as your husband's offending involved a child, I can see why they would want to distance themselves from your family to avoid thier kids coming into contact with your husband.

Again what your husband said to your niece and the offence that he went to prison for are extremely relevant

Let’s face it, you escalated things here first by calling your SIL a toddler to your brother. Which ironically is very toddler behaviour on your part. I think you’ve overestimated your reach with him. And potentially in the explaining of your behaviour about Easter, she has mentioned something along the lines of inappropriate comments to niece and haven’t they got a cheek given their backgrounds

I’m confused about your brother. You were messaging him about Easter plans to make sure you didn’t see him at Easter? Does this involve your parents’ house eg you want to make sure you don’t go to you parents’ house at the same time? That’s not up to you to insist they do two separate Easter things because you don’t like your SIL.

And I think that even once people serve their time, they can’t expect that people never ever find out or make judgements. Especially if his conviction involved a child. Although I wouldn’t necessarily feeeze out someone’s partner because of if.

Your husband upset her, she was upset, you decided to 'cut her off' because of it. Holy overreaction Batman!

His previous conviction isn't private, it's probably in the public domain. She may feel that his comment harked back to his previous conviction 'with a kid' and it triggered her, so she felt it was important others knew about it. That perhaps he wasn't as 'rehabilitated' as you say...you're conveniently very vague on the key details.

You've blown up family relationships, and are now surprised there are repercussions? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes comes to mind.

So he was convicted for a child related matter, clearly some sort of exploitation or harm, he then goes on to upset a child, you believe his lie that he doesn't remember what he said, and yet you maintain that he's "learnt from his past" and think parents should trust their kids to get mixed up into a situation where they may be vulnerable to a situation like your niece has experienced, perhaps even without a trusted adult around?

Your judgement is awful. That's why you're being shunned.

It's even worse that you backed him 100% because he doesn't like to be challenged and have escalated it into WW3 to try and punish her by cutting her out from family stuff - and now you're butthurt that it backfired and you're the one being shunned.

You played with fire and you got burned. I imagine this little snippet is the tip of the iceberg of your behaviour that your SIL has had to regularly deal with. In what way are you going to "start ww3"?

Well, context is everything here. Without knowing the joke, it’s hard to say whether she was being overdramatic or not really. I think you are being though in refusing to see your brother and niece at Easter because of one small tiff with SIL.

People go to prison for ALL sorts of things . Why you saying it’s only child related offences and violence. Are you daft or just very daft?

Do you know what was said in the jokey comment? I would want to know before I decided to start a permanent family fall out when he has upset your neice/sil.
The vague details of this and the conviction suggest it is relevant to why your friends cut you out. Sounds like you didn't like your sil calling her a bitch and not.blood related what about how it affects your relationship with your neice? If you are constantly trying to cause drama can't really complain she has done the same

Have you considered the possibility that you and your DH might just be not particularly nice people? It's not really possible to tell from your post but it is one possible explanation. Whether or not this is so, you can break your feeling of isolation by putting your focus onto helping other people. Start volunteering at your local food bank or soup kitchen. Find out what those less fortunate than you are most in need of and put your energies into selflessly helping them. When your focus is outside of yourself, new friendships will start happening automatically with people who aren't involved in any of the previous situations you describe - and if by chance random gossip follows you, your daily living as a kind and selfless person is the antidote to that poison.

With respect @Allthewineandallrhedrinks have you considered that whatever was said to your niece (that your husband conveniently can't remember) jokes aside your SIL didn't like so rather than start anything she removed herself from the situation which as an adult is the better thing to do than start an argument in front of children. From your other updates mentioning how she is miss perfect I suspect you feel jealous or threatened by her. To stop speaking to someone and give them the silent treatment as an adult is not okay! You should have spoken to her ans your brother and ironed it out instead you've called to say I am not talking to your wife as my husband upset your daughter. Do you realise how ridiculous tjat sounds?! I don't think your SIL should have shared with your mum geouo but again you've said your organise meet ups etc.. I sense a control issue here and tbh SIL may well have had enough of your behaviour. I would tread carefully as unfortunately whether your husband has rehabilitated or not people will make their own minds up when it comes to their children. I think you need to iron it with your brother at least before it creates a real rift in your family. Good luck!

Also, I find it hilarious that this is you "not making a big deal" 😂 What will 'WW3' entail? This is all very EastEnders/Jeremy Kyle.

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks are you on the wind-up (or should I say WINED-up 😸)?

He cant remember exactly what was said because he said it was so nothing and therefore OTT for her to walk out in a strop.

Slightly surprising that he doesn't remember if it resulted in that sort of reaction. But what does he inexactly remember about what he said? He must have some idea.

Because the OP said it 'involved a kid'.

DHs joke clearly wasn't funny. Your comment about her acting like a toddler wasn't appropriate. The pair of you have made it awkward for your whole family. You claim SIL acts like little miss perfect but isn't that what you've been doing at the school gates? You had no problem trying to exclude SIL from family life but now you're being excluded, you've got an issue.

SIL was the wrong person to fuck with and you brought a spoon to a knife fight.

When you decide to cut someone off, whatever the reason, whoever is at fault, there will be fallout. This is the fallout. Deal with it.

So it’s ok for your DH, who btw is not blood related to your parents to make a joke to a kid (when btw he was convicted for a child related crime) but it’s not ok for those at the receiving end to be offended.

You’re so wrapped up in your own story and you must be thinking the world of your husband that you can’t see how his words are affecting others. Little miss perfect or not, your SIL/niece should have been apologised to right then and there.

If you can’t see this then you’re a lost cause.

Are you all 12?
Get a grip.
Let her sulk.
Stop being a drama llama and get on with it.
Utter drivel.

OP said it 'involved a kid'.
Bet you feel kind of silly and rude now, right?

I am actually really shocked that people dont think it was awful my SIL told people this she had no right and knew full well what she was doing thats just nasty.

The thing is im not being cagey but ehat my husband did sounds worse written down and the mums have found the news paper about what he did ( over q5 years ago). It doesnt give context and he has changed made mistakes but learnt from them.

The fact that me and my husband cant remember what offended her so much to cause an atmosphere and leave the room shows it wasnt the a big deal. If he had said something horrible to my neice id have said something to her. I love my neice. I only knew because my mum told my husband to apologise. So we went home and were raging.

Shes calculated this just to get own back. If she is allowed to strop off im allowed to avoid feeling uncomfortable again by not seeing her. I will just see my brother and neice and nephew without her.

Im not the problem here.

Why didn't you ask sil what was said rather than shunning her?

beautiful irony that you want your friends to talk to.you about why they are upset when you didn't give her a chance.

You wanted her ostracised. But now you're ostracised and it isn't much fun,.is it?

Yeah, you're not coming across at all well in this OP. Your DH has behaved incorrectly in the past, involving a child, which was bad enough for him to serve time. Now he has said something "in a jokey way" about another child that caused offence to her mother, enough for her to want to leave the room. You sound like nightmare relatives.

Are you daft? The OP said it involved a child.