To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks has anything like this ever happened before?

Also, to echo PPs, what DOES WW3 with your SIL entail? Anything beyond not speaking with her?

Exactly. Frankly I am shocked you are with this horrible man

TEAM SIL.

I mean... quite how you think you're going to have any say in seeing them again is beyond me.

5 years is recent enough that im assuming it he was convicted when your primary aged children were very small children. And that due to the times, he may not be your kids father, which means you've let a man into your child's life who is unsuitable..

It's as much about your judgement to live with him and fight your Sil as it is about the conviction.

It was in the paper. I'm just shocked it didn't come up before.

You shouldn't be with him. You should put your kids first because his conviction and behaviour will follow them around like a bad smell.

The fact you welcomed him into their lives so soon after an adult-on-child conviction and while you had small kids is shocking and I'm surprised social services aren't involved.

If it isn't a sexual crime, I would guess it's either a manslaughter charge from when he's younger or possibly a previous partner /children and DV related ? Maybe you're dating my dad lol. Takes a lot to get an actual prison sentence in the UK (assuming you're here).

The thing is im not being cagey but ehat my husband did sounds worse written down and the mums have found the news paper about what he did ( over q5 years ago). It doesnt give context and he has changed made mistakes but learnt from them.

So say what he did and give the context for it.

I dont believe for one second that you or DH dont remember what was said to your niece. And surely if you didn't remember you would ask what it was when being asked to apologise. So I can't believe anything that you have to say. He's obviously said something very hurtful or inappropriate to a child. Then you double down and tell your brother you never want to see his wife again. And we're supposed to believe you never want to see her again over her reaction to something you said that you dont remember and have not bothered to find out what it was? Youd ask your niece and SIL why they were so upset surely? Its just all total bullshit.

Same, alarm bells are ringing for me based on what has been told so far.

I think we’re missing a couple of chapters here…

The fact that me and my husband cant remember what offended her so much to cause an atmosphere and leave the room shows it wasnt the a big deal

No, it shows that YOU don't think its a big deal.

I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again

This was really uncalled for her. Did you really expect there wouldn't be a fallout after you said his this about his wife?

So you don't even know what crappie comment he made just this man's claim that it was a joke, which was bad enough that your sil took her daughter away from him and your blaming the victims for your husbands poor behaviour.
So you then create drama by telling your brother that you never want to see his wife again because of your husbands inappropriate "jokes" to a female child.
This (in your eyes) perfect husband who should be believed over your niece and sil is a convicted criminal who spent time in jail for crimes that involved a child but not sexual, so some sort of violence towards a child and was inappropriate towards your niece.
Are you really surprised that your sil talked to a friend and explained what happened including the criminal history of your husband for context.
Honestly @Allthewineandallrhedrinks you and your inappropriate criminal husband are to blame for all of this and yes btw you should lose friends who you deceived into allowing their children to be around a man who went to jail for crimes involving children.
I hope your daughter doesn't end up a pariah but if she does it's because of you, your lies and your inappropriate criminal of a husband not your sil who has the right to talk to friends.

The fact that me and my husband cant remember what offended her so much to cause an atmosphere and leave the room shows it wasnt the a big deal. If he had said something horrible to my neice id have said something to her

It shows it wasn't a big deal to you. It clearly was to her. I've lost track of the number of 'no big deal' things that people have said to me as throwaway remarks (to them) that have hurt me deeply.

Other people have different opinions to you, OP. You can't make everyone see life your way and you might have to accept that.

Team SIL here. I imagine you ‘cutting her off’ will make her life a lot calmer.

yes exactly and if she can't remember what it is - why did she put it was said in a "jokey way" - she can remember and emphasise that but not what was said?

BS

I’m confused why you think that your DH going to jail is a private family matter? It isn’t. It will be on the public record. It just so happens that most people have better things to do than scour court archives for a gotcha moment. But to play this off as private is wild. Also, you mention it was in the press. It’s usually something pretty serious to get media reporting & a jail term.
You’re also assuming it was information shared in malice. Given it was a public event she might’ve been talking more generally.
Everyone distancing themselves from you also speaks to the severity of what DH done.

Like others, I’d love to know what DH said to make her react like that. It feels like you’ve minimised this piece.

When my exH used to say something that hurt me or upset me he used to say I was being “silly” for being hurt or upset, he was only joking, I had taken it the wrong way.

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks does that sound familiar in this scenario?

If I were you and if you are real, I’d stop typing now. You sound worse and worse as the thread goes on.

Oh I think I'm team sil.

your oh offended her. Your parents told you to apologise.

you sound a nightmare - suspect your sil is happy not to have to see you again.

Come on OP, if it’s not that bad and you’re justified, tell us what DH said. Nobody here is going to believe neither of you knows what caused offence.

You say the fact you and your H can’t remember what he said and therefore it wasn’t a hit deal just means it wasn’t a big deal to you, it may have been very different for your SIL and her daughter, and reading between the lines I wouldn’t be surprised if it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Also frankly your H’s judgement and truthfulness are more suspect that your SIL’s given he is only quite recently out of prison for an offence involving a child.

It takes a lot to actually be jailed and 5 years isn’t long ago so it’s better to be up front about this sort of stuff than try and hide it. If you had been honest and/or a good enough friend for people to stand up for you this wouldn’t have been dropped in this way.

Im afraid you fucked around and are now finding out, you tried to do your SIL down and she is fighting back-good for her!

I understand it’s upsetting that your SIL has told your friends your secrets. It’s likely they would have come out eventually anyway so you could plan to tell your children. I would probably be wary of a person that went to prison for a crime involving a child having young children myself, regardless if they ‘done their time’.

You have left out massive details of the story. You absolutely do know what was said to your niece, because if you didn’t, natural instinct would to ask your mum why he needed to apologise? You are choosing not to say.

A criminal uncle who is disrespectful to his niece? Think I’d sulk off too, only I’d take my child with me.

It's entirely possible that your SIL may decide you and your DH shouldn't be around their children as your judgement is entirely questionable. So you may not succeed in separating your brother and the kids from her by seeing them alone.

Given what you've written here, I suspect you'll end up seeing your brother alone, if at all going forward. He should really put his own family first in this mess.

You and your husband sound bloody awful.

My take is that the H has committed a crime involving a child, bad enough to go to prison.

SIL tries to purse her lips and say nothing, but then he makes an inappropriate comment to her daughter which is related to the crime.

SIL then wonders why she’s protecting this person and tells her friend what he did.

Word travels.

The fact that OP is minimising what he did and ‘can’t remember’ what he said to niece, is fishier than Billingsgate.

How can you not remember what he said but say it sounds worse written down if you apparently can't remember. Also your dhs jail sentence isn't a private matter, its obviously public information if the mums found it. If they don't want to be friends with you due to being with him after what he done, that's entirely their preoragative.

If your mum said to apologise but you stormed off after upsetting and offending your sister in law then instead of analysing what happened and apologising for the offence you have messaged your brother that. You're in the wrong. No grown adults behave like that in real life, they take accountability and say sorry for upset they have caused to family.

Your SIL is not the only toddler here

You obviously enjoy drama. Easter is over a month away, yet here you are, messaging your brother you need to do separate things.

You all sound like sensitive bunch of silly toddlers eho meed something more in your life to focus on (imcludobgvyour 'school mum group,)

Was your husband in prison? Not a nice thing to divulge but if it's true, it's something thsts going to come up from time to time.

Without knowing what the crappy comment was there is no way to judge if you SIL was overreacting when she walked away. But I find it very hard to believe that you can't remember what it was considering the immediate reaction. Also, if you can't remember what it was, how do you know it was jokey with absolute certainty?

If anyone overreacted it was you. You escalated it.

Sounds like SIL has had enough of your shit. And why should she care about your husband's feelings? He's not even 'blood related.'