To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

So it wasn’t violent or sexual but it did “sort of” involve a child and was serious enough for him to go to prison and for it to appear in the papers. I still suspect drugs-related, and people involved in that always insist it’s “not violent,” because they didn’t do the violence themselves - they just support an incredibly violent and dangerous system. On that count, it all depends on whether you think drug dealers should be found guilty of manslaughter, just for selling to someone who overdoses. Considering that OP claims “not vaping” as a sign of evil bitchiness, she may not be the best judge. Then again, with that username, and this first post… enh.

Why didn't your husband apologise to sil when you both knew she was upset after his comment?

She walked out the room not to make a fuss.

Then you and your husband behave like children telling your brother your bot talking to them - months later.

You clearly feel threatened by her and you nasty descriptions make you sound unkind and jealous

If the school mums haven't come and spoke to you then they really arnt your friends

I don’t understand this. Is the brother supposed to punish his wife? Op was insulting to SIL calling her toddler to her brother and blaming her so harshly for not wanting to celebrate something they have been together. Op has a very aggressive way to handle things.
Op is also very insecure, mentioning this -She is one of the goodies does marathons, doesnt drink doesnt vape does charity.

Should the OP’s brother divorce his wife to appease his overreacting sister?

How convenient neither you nor your husband what was said to the niece even though you made such big deal of SIL’s reaction to slag her off to her husband and changing your usual Eater plan over this.
If your mum also sided with Sil and asked your husband to apologise, it can’t be nothing and it’s strange that you forgot the ‘joke’.

God both you and your husband sound awful

I’m on team SIL

All she initially did was ‘make you feel uncomfortable in your parents home’.
she walked out of the room because she was offended. That is not a crime. And it is the adult thing to do if you’re offended at someone else’s house to not make a scene. So you were UNCOMFORTABLE and decided you would never speak to her again.
then you told your brother. And her revenge was to reveal something she knew about your husband. YOU have created this whole situation. Because you felt uncomfortable. Have a word with yourself.

This has to be one of the weirdest threads I've read on here. I don't even know where to start.

The most glaring thing is the magic memory loss about what was said to the niece to upset her. If that was my partner I would ask him immediately what happened/what was said.

Even if he was refusing to say, her own mother knows, so - ask her.

If she suddenly went mute then why not try straight from the horses mouth - ask niece what happened.

The fact neither OP or her husband even checked niece was OK is suspicious in itself.

Then the whole "he went to jail but he's an amazing person and it sounds worse than it was". OP do you think we all rode in on the last horse from Dumbsville?

If it wasn't that bad you'd SAY what it was. As it stands the speculation is going as far as to say he could have hurt or killed a child and rather than clear his name you've continued doubling down and refusing to say.

Lastly, the vitriol you have for SIL. You really do not like her, do you?

That's the real point here. You can't bear her (seemingly because she is very clean living, popular, and has a great career - I'm sure there is a word here beginning with J that describes this......).

Sounds like SIL is sick to the back teeth of you, your husband, and your combined nonsense.

The bed has been made but it seems you aren't entirely comfortable lying in it.

Well sorry but nobody here is replacing the mattress for you, no matter how much you keep trying to spin things in your favour.

I wish nothing but the best for your SIL, brother, and niece.

Enjoy your back ache

OP, with most of the story missing, obviously people's minds are going wild. You might as well say what the comment and conviction were, because it's probably not as bad as people are imagining, having been told a little and then left to fill in huge blanks.

Nobody can give you any meaningful advice with so little to go on. We're all strangers here, so if your DH's crime was worse than you're comfy admitting, it seems that you might be struggling with it, too. Counselling, perhaps?

I'm not sure that I would leap to ostracise you. It would depend very much what the crime was and how your DH has done since getting out.

Some people really are rehabilitated, and I think everyone here should remember that. They have some pretty good programmes in prison, and while some criminals can never be rehabbed, many can.

That or drug related. Selling to minors or something....

ah Okay. Thanks

If OP's mum told OP's DH to apologise to SIL's daughter, he must have said something pretty awful. We don't know how old OP's niece is, but depending on her age, he might have said something really cruel and insulting if she is a younger child, or something sexually inappropriate if she is a teenager. I'm learning towards the latter given how defensive OP is being. Whatever it was, no-one believes that OP and her DH can't remember what he said so it was obviously bad enough to turn the tide of opinion even more against OP and her DH.

But I don’t think the OP wants advice, she wants her stance affirmed by everyone.

The tone of all the posts is childish and aggressive, (and sound like drug/alcohol ramblings), with a clear unwillingness to even consider another POV.

There’s also the assumption that the friends distancing themselves is of a result of the SIL disclosing information- but it’s very possible there are other reasons behind this too.

I agree rehabilitation can be successful, but given the Husband refused to apologise for upsetting a child and he and his wife seems to think his incarceration “was an overreaction”, does seem to indicate (to me anyway), a lack of accountability for his actions.

Yes, some of the speculation is wild, but it was serious enough to warrant a custodial sentence and did indirectly if not directly impact a child.

I don’t think OP will comeback. I do feel sorry for her children but it is a situation of OPs making not of SILs.

So basically you’ve ignored half of the story. OP’s DH has a child related conviction, for which he went to jail. OP won’t give us the details. SiL is fully aware of it but trusts he’s rehabilitated as OP says, and allows her DD to be around them. DH then makes a remark to her DD, for which even OP’s mother thinks he should apologise, but he won’t. Again OP won’t give us the details of what was actually said.

SiL leaves the room to avoid a row and OP and her DH flounce, in the profoundly mistaken belief that they are the injured party. OP then causes further drama later on, by telling her brother they are not speaking to SiL and will not be spending Easter with them.

I’d wager that something in the remark DH made has caused SiL rethink whether he’s actually safe to be around children, given what she knows about him. I think that’s why she told a mutual friend in the knowledge that it would filter back to the school mum’s group and alert them to a potential threat, and clearly what he did was significant enough for them to take a step back from OP to protect their children.

Seems to me that OP and her DH are the ones who won’t accept any accountability for their actions, and SiL has had a major rethink. I don’t blame her to be honest.

Need to know what husband said and I don’t believe he can’t remember, especially if it was bad enough for your mum to ask him to apologise. Ask your mum what he said then come back to us.

I don’t think your SIL should have told people BUT you said his crime involved a child and now he’s saying something to a child that is offending her, her mum and her gran, so maybe it’s in people’s interests to know what he’s like.

I don't know why people are still replying, OP is long gone

She obviously has form for cutting contact when things don’t go her way.😬

Yeah I think she wanted valitdating the sil was out of line and had no desire to look at her and her husbands behaviour

i slso really doubt the sil did tell, I think the op wants to believe that and has come to thr wrong conclusion; the woman’s a lawyer, she won’t want to be telling people she knows through work about her bil proactively. As it could be seen as a reflection on her.

this is all about the ops jealousy.

I think OP is downplaying it. She didn’t get the response she wanted, claimed we are all like SIL before going in a rant about how ‘awful’ SIL is and throwing in some class nonsense.

None of us knew SIL was a lawyer until OP posted it. It is not in the original post. Reading OP’s posts again and adding in her heavy reluctance and hate of her SIL, I’m thinking she is intentionally leaving out bits and other parts of her posts don’t make sense.

OP says that her and brother usually spend Easter together but she and husband decided not to see SIL because she walked out and it made OP uncomfortable yet in a later post OP said they didn’t know why SIL walked out.

The fact that me and my husband cant remember what offended her so much to cause an atmosphere and leave the room shows it wasnt the a big deal. If he had said something horrible to my neice id have said something to her. I love my neice. I only knew because my mum told my husband to apologise. So we went home and were raging.

Raging over being asked to apologise? If it was no big deal, then why not apologise? Why make it worse by texting your own brother and insulting his wife over something that wasn’t a big deal?

That’s a massive escalation for something deemed not a big deal.

Plus, if what he did wasn’t that bad surely the mutual friend OP didn’t know they had and knows SIL through work wouldn’t have told other friends about it especially if they all are friends of OP.

It’s hard to figure this out as I appreciate you can only provide a snapshot of things.
Your description of you SIL does suggest some jealousy- reference to miss perfect (or something like that) and being goodie doing marathons for charity etc. This doesn’t mean she’s a nice person, but it’s coming across as you being jealous which may or may not be true. If it is, it’s worth trying to figure out for yourself why.

He cant remember exactly what was said because he said it was so nothing and therefore OTT for her to walk out in a strop

I do find this a bit odd. If someone left a room after I’d said something, I think I’d remember what I’d said. The fact he says it was a ‘nothing’ only gives his general perspective on it but doesn’t tell us what he actually said and where there may have been scope for upset. This doesn’t mean your DH is awful but just factually it might’ve have been something that didn’t come across well although not with bad intention.

re her telling people about your DH’s past, it’s not clear what happened here. She might have shared something with a friend and that friend has told others not on her direction but general gossiping.

I really don’t know as it doesnt feel the whole picture is here. But generally speaking, I’d say you need to step back from things here and reduce the emotion. Making a big deal about not seeing her at Easter when you don’t really know what happened with your DH was unnecessary. If your friends were good friends then whatever has come to light re your DH could be explained and they’d understand unless it’s something awful.

Finally, you refer to her as being fake etc. At the end of the day, you don’t need to be great friends with her but just civil. If you really didn’t want to spend Easter with her you could find a way of doing so without making a big statement/drama.

Anyway, just some things to consider and I hope you find way positive ways to move forward.

If she's running marathons she's not fake. It's just not something you can fake.

Nah...I've got a feeling that whatever was said to your sil that offended her that you think was nothing might have been something. Sorry but I think I'm leaning more towards team sil 😌

What did your husband do to end up in prison @Allthewineandallrhedrinks as that would likely be the reason people are rethinking their relationship with you. Not just because you have beef with your SIL.

I also doubt SIL told anyone.

Apart from anything else - why would her being a lawyer mean she would know OP's husband had been to prison 15+ years ago? What would bring it to her attention? I really cannot think of any likely scenario. The best I can come up is that his court case was so unusual that it has become a legal precedent quoted in cases she has been involved in, or that she has a client who was his victim all those years ago. Not really very likely, is it? (And that's assuming she's a criminal lawyer, whereas she might be a commercial / divorce / conveyancing lawyer.)

I suspect she knows as he’s her brother in law, her husband likely told her. I don’t dispute she knows. I would find it odder if she didn’t.

but I don’t think she told. She’d be too embarassed, she’s a lawyer, she’s never told till now, the likely hood of her wanting people she knows in the work space to know is very low indeed. She likely simply doesn’t discuss this.

i think the op has rushed to blame her, when she’s no idea of what really occurred. Just simply as her jealousy has driven her to hatred.

it must be really fucking torturous to be so jealous of someone, so lacking in your own self esteem, to behave as the op did. Clearly everything about the sil makes her feel inferior, and instead of trying to fix her own life, she’s attacked and tried to split this family so she doesn’t need to see the sil anymore.