To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

I am convinced this is a joke post at this stage. Criticising a women because she’s a “goodie”- runs marathons for charity, doesn’t drink or vape. And being astounded nobody wants to hang out with you after finding out your husband went to prison for something to do with a child. Seriously OP you cannot be that deluded.

Some of the things people have said about my husband is vile. It was over 15 years ago it was a typo in other post. It wasnt violent or sexual just people being massively OTT and extreme.

Bet the police were being 'massively OTT and extreme' too .

You and your DH don't sound like nice people. He upset his niece and rather than apologise you decide you're cutting off the family for being upset about it. It seems like you enjoy creating drama, now you get your karma and get to be on the receiving end of it.

"To start WW3 with my SIL"
Really, OP? You do know that will harm your relationship with your brother, your mother, your niece? Is that what you want?

"The fact that me and my husband cant remember what offended her so much to cause an atmosphere and leave the room shows it wasnt the a big deal. If he had said something horrible to my neice id have said something to her. I love my neice. I only knew because my mum told my husband to apologise. So we went home and were raging."
So "it wasnt the a big deal" - to you. It was a big deal to your mother. It may have been a big deal to your brother's wife. In my opinion, that means it was a big deal, and you are minimising the offence your husband caused.

"I was fine with my brother he didn't even know until I said about sorting Easter plans to avoid a clash that we weren't talking to his wife. "
This in interesting to me. There's you and your husband, who were "raging" at being told by your mother to apologise, on your high horses and not talking to your brother's wife - and your brother was unaware of all this drama until you told him.

Two possibilities - either your brother's wife WAS aware you and your husband were sulking at being pulled up, and chose not to inform her husband of your behaviour, or, your brother's wife WAS NOT aware you and your husband were sulking at being pulled up, because you're not really a presence in her life and you and she don't talk that often anyway. Either way, it's you stirring this pot, not her.

But, to the meat of your complaint against her:

"My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past."
"I dont think it matters the conviction it was a very long time ago and he did his time and rehabilitated and is a good member of society."
"the mums have found the news paper about what he did ( over q5 years ago)"
Who told you that SIL told them this? Or did you just make an assumption? It was in the newspaper, why do you think that's not the original source of the information? Why would SIL know about his past "through work" and not through being a member of the same family? Have you leapt to a conclusion that she is the source because of her job?

Actually, I've just realised - this is a new husband, isn't it? Not the father of your children, but someone that you have met after he came out of prison for whatever he did. Otherwise, SIL would have known about his past because she and he would have been in-laws when he was in jail and you wouldn't be claiming SIL "told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past", would you? And given that you have minimised the offence your husband caused with his comment to your niece (how old is she?) I'm wondering if you're minimising the offence your husband was jailed for. Because it's an offence the school mums take seriously, even if you don't.

"Shes calculated this just to get own back. If she is allowed to strop off im allowed to avoid feeling uncomfortable again by not seeing her. I will just see my brother and neice and nephew without her."
You are ascribing all sorts of motivations to her, aren't you? She didn't leave the room because she was uncomfortable, she "sulked off". She's getting her own back, even though I personally doubt she's mentioned your husband to the school mums. You are reading too much into it. You really want to be the victim of this don't you?

And as for seeing your brother and niece without her - I think your brother might have something to say about that. It's in your OP - "He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother." You've heard nothing more from your brother since you had a go at his wife to him. Wife or sister, who will he pick? I expect he's picked wife, rather than his flouncing sister with the new husband she defends so vehemently.

Agreed.

Op, I haven’t read the whole thread but the fact is your husband did go to prison for something linked to a child but you won’t say what.

Now he’s going around upsetting a child within his family.

The fact that everyone has distanced themselves clearly shows it was for something serious.

Yet you’re blaming your SIL?

Facts (as I see them anyway):

If the crime was as minimal as she's trying to make out, she would have said what it was in the OP rather than trying to gloss over it.

If what her DH said was as 'jokey' as she's trying to make out, she would have included that in the OP too to give everyone the opportunity to say how she isn't unreasonable> there's no way she can't remember it.

So very jealous of SIL - who uses not vaping and doing charity work as a negative??

They probably were genuine friends until they realised OP hadn't been upfront with them - that can kill a friendship faster than anything

Final fact - no way is OP coming back after everyone told her how unreasonable she is!!

He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again

My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.

Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

Still sounds more like a you problem. You've called her names before the get go - she hasn't lied about your husband.

Again not knowing what your husband did its tough to work out how bad it was. He DID go to prison, so it wasn't something without consequences

I missed this: I only knew because my mum told my husband to apologise.

So it MUST have been really bad if your mum told your husband to apologise. He should have apologised.

And you clearly remember what it is because you said "So we went home and were raging."

Why would you be raging to the extent you went home over it, if you CAN'T REMEMBER what the comment was? If you can't remember, surely you would have clarified with your mother to explain what it was he needed to apologise for, if you didn't know? No, you remember alright. You just want to cause drama. Your husband upset your niece and and her mother in your brother's parents home! And you know exactly what it was because why storm out otherwise? I repeat, you remember alright. You just want to cause drama. And would rather blow up your family instead of being an adult and apologising to your niece and her mum.

I think they meant the OP said it's "only" child offences, as if it is a minor thing. When there is nothing "only" about child offences, child offences are the most serious thing. And they're asking OP why they are minimising it as if it's 'only' and therefore of no consequence.

I agree with you also to an extent.
I agree we don't know all the facts of this side of the story or indeed the other side of the story. It would be possible to give better advice about how to move forward if we did know the fact of the OP side but she doesnt feel she wants to divulge those ,which is her prerogative.
I do though disagree that "exclusion" is bullying. It really depends on the circumstances and the thoughts and feeling of all involved.
I can see the OP is upset and stressed (understandably regardless of the detail) about what has happened and i hope she has support IRL. I agree some professional counselling may help her see a way through.

To decide to stop talking to someone because they were offended by a 'joke' (or banter) is extreme. Especially family. Your approach of 'she's not family, how dare she offend me in MY (blood) family's space' is really aggressive. You need to think about this.

Your SIL should not have discussed this with your friends. However, possibly the 'joke' made her think that your husband was still a risk and those that were around him (i.e. your friends) needed to know.

You don’t like SIL. You sound resentful and judgemental of her career and life choices. You have sneered at her running marathons and doing stuff for charity and living healthily.

Your DH has made a comment that was off in some way. You weren’t there. You didn’t hear it, and you don’t know what he said. Your SIL was obviously quite upset and your own DM felt he should apologise. In absence of any information you’ve sided with your DH on the basis of him downplaying it and saying he can’t even remember what he said.

It’s possible both SIL and your DM have overreacted. Or it’s possible he said something inappropriate or upsetting and has underplayed it. You have no way of knowing which it is, but you’ve decided to side with DH in the absence of knowing what happened.

You’ve likely done that out of loyalty to your DH, but also your extreme dislike of SIL. Perhaps you were right to take that side. But of course there is the possibility you got it wrong. You don’t seem able to entertain that as a possibility though.

What is very strange is that you have then used this incident as a springboard for cutting SIL, and consequently your DB, out of extended family plans. You’ve made a very silly and pointed stance saying you don’t want to be around her. But you only have half the facts! You’ve taken exception to her taking exception, but you don’t know why she got upset. Only that you don’t like the fact that she did (because you cannot stand her by the sound of it), so have used this non event as the basis of trying to very openly exclude her. You’ve been quite dramatic and performative about it too.

Your SIL is faced with relatives that clearly don’t like her, a man who she is obviously wary of making an upsetting comment to her child and refusing to apologise, then a nasty attempt to exclude her from family events by performative non contact. So she has reacted and shared what she knows about your DH with friends. I don’t blame her. You’ve really pissed her off by the sound of it.

You don’t have to like her. Maybe she is an insufferable pain, but you’ve behaved as if you’re in a playground with the way you’ve treated her. She has snapped. And now you’re reaping what you sow, sadly.

If she had a secret about your DH which you’d wanted kept quiet, you would have done well not to make an enemy of this woman. Instead your jealousy and pettiness has got the better of you.

You have some serious reparation to do, not only with your mum friends to see if things can be salvaged, but also with your DB and SIL. I would start with a heartfelt apology if I were you. Some accountability and humble pie is where your head should be at. Though it sounds as though you’d rather accuse everyone who doesn’t agree with you of being just like SIL! Perhaps she isn’t the bad guy here. Perhaps you are. You certainly look that way to most other people. I would spend some time reflecting on that rather than being defensive.

Someone going to prison isn't a private matter. It's in the papers.
I don't believe neither of you can remember what was said.

The OP leaves me with lots of questions to fully understand the situation and how it has escalated to this. I think your SIL has been out of line telling of your husbands past as this appears to be done with malicious intent to affect your friendships. My main questions are..

What did your husband say to your niece to cause this reaction?

You are right in saying that your husband has done his time for the crime he committed but is it something that others who may be in his company should have the choice to know of or be aware about, particularly if their children could be potentially in contact with him?

Without this information it’s hard to say who was most unreasonable as at the moment I can see fault on both sides

A goodie as opposed to a baddie? I'm sure I remember a time when being a good person was regarded as a good thing.

Im not the problem here.

Her brother has married a kind, intelligent, health-conscious and successful woman and I'm taking a guess that this is because he is a kind, intelligent, health-conscious and successful man. Meanwhile, OP has married an ex-con who makes cruel jokes at the expense of other people's children and could only be successful at getting on the Jeremy Kyle show.

I'm sure that this has not escaped the notice of her parents who may well be wondering how they went so right with one child and so wrong with the other.

OP's jealousy is not surprising and a predictable way for someone of this temperament to invest their energy, rather than on something productive.

Oh your last post has cleared it up for me. SIL is clearly a bitch. Runs marathons for charity! Awful woman.

OP, contact MN and they will remove the thread for you. I'm sorry people are being so harsh, AIBU is a bloodsport and many people need to get a more constructive hobby than kicking others when they're down.

I strongly suspect the sil didn’t proactively tell as she would be too ashamed/embarrased and not want people to know that’s her brother in law. It’s the sort of thing you’d hide unless asked, no one volunteers that to work acquaintances. No one. The op didn’t even want her friends to know and can’t bring herself to write it here. So it’s unlikely the sil in a professional capacity is off saying hey guess what my bil was done for,

I think the op has put two and two together and come to 7. Just as she hates her so much due to her uncontrolled jealousy,

No one's kicking her whilst she's down...

Have you even read a smidge of this thread?

I don't think you have read any of the OP posts.

Interesting contribution considering your charming username 🤔

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