To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

YABU. You fucked around with your SIL, and found out. All of this situation is yours and your husband’s faults.

You are clearly someone who avoids responsibility for your actions. You claim you can’t remember what your husband said to offend her, yet you dismiss it as unimportant. More likely you don’t want to tell us in case you’ll be judged.

Deciding you never want to see her again because she stormed off after your husband offended her is a ridiculous overreaction on your part. Your husband should have apologised and/or explained and you shouldn’t have inserted yourself with your overreaction. No wonder your brother is upset with you.

Your husband’s crimes are a matter of public record, not private information. You have not been victimised by people learning facts. Again, you won’t tell us his crime, because you know it’s bad.

You also sound jealous of your SIL accomplishments.

You’ve been told by the thread you’re in the wrong and now you want it deleted like a coward. You’re deeply unreasonable and incapable of hearing criticism.

To the people saying that the SIL was out of order, that this is family business etc, you do know that criminal convictions are a matter of public record? And given this story was in the papers anyone could have come across it, in fact someone probably did, but it suits the OP’s narrative to blame the SIL.

Well if you’ve read them you’re clearly not understanding them are you ? OP’s DH was convicted of a crime involving a child and went to jail. He made some sort of comment to SiL’s young DD which SiL took offence to and took herself off into another room rather than cause a row.

OP won’t tell us what DH was convicted of because it ‘looks worse written down’ - yeah right. She also won’t tell us what he said to her niece, or how old her niece actually is. It seems obvious that whatever DH said has made her SiL think twice as to whether he’s actually safe around children.

What you’re interpreting as SiL deliberately and maliciously turning OP’s friends against her is more than likely her voicing her concerns about DH to a mutual friend in the knowledge that it will get back to the school mum group and warn them of a potential risk to their own children. Something that OP should have been upfront about if her friends’ children have been around her DH with no supervision. Bit of critical thinking here - this is an anonymous forum. Why do you think OP hasn’t disclosed any of the details, has done an angry flounce because she isn’t getting the responses she wanted and now wants the thread deleted ?

I think maybe it’s dawned on OP that there’s something off about the remark her DH made and that her SiL has cause to be concerned. So it follows that she’s realised the reason her school mum group have distanced themselves from her because they now know about her DH’s past and are angry that she didn’t disclose and potentially put their children at risk.

I’m far from on OP’s side because I think there’s far more to this than she’s letting on, but I really think that’s a step too far. Rehabilitation in prison isn’t just for paedophiles. Get a grip.

My mind is going to dark places

His crime involved a child though. So either he’s a sex offender or alternatively I would guess that he was dealing drugs and using children to do so.

Your own version of the story is making people err on the side of your sister in law, and you refuse to see their point. And you say she is the child?

You don't know what your husband said, so you cannot say her reaction was extreme.
His crime involved a child and comes up when they've searched his name.
You told your brother his wife acts like a toddler.
How are you the good guy here?

I read all of OP's posts. Her SIL has turned her friend group against her because of something her DH once did. I think most people would be upset about this

I think OP chooses to believe that but considering her personal feelings about her SIL and lack of telling what was said, why her DH couldn’t just apologise, and what he did which btw is public record and was easy enough for her friends to find, I’m doubting her SIL went out of her way to turn OP’s friend group against her.

OP said herself she didn’t know her SIL and her had a mutual acquaintance so if she didn’t know who is to say SIL did. The mum who told her knew SIL, who is a lawyer through work. It could have easily been that SIL was complaining to this acquaintance and the acquaintance happen to know OP, looked it up herself and told others who then did the same thing.

If they don’t know SIL and SIL doesn’t have kids at OP’s school, why would they believe her? And considering OP’s obvious dislike of SIL, would it be possible she has complained to her mum friends about SIL so even more hesitant to just believe the information said hence them looking it up in the first place?

Or he may have been violent towards a child.

Or knocked a child over whilst drunk driving

I read all of OP's posts. Her SIL has turned her friend group against her because of something her DH once did. I think most people would be upset about this

Surely they are adults who have made their own decision?

Very possibly, but we can only guess, since OP has flounced. I certainly think that if what he did warranted a jail sentence then it must have been serious, but without knowing in what capacity the child was involved we’re in the dark really. I don’t think words like ‘paedophile’ are helpful, especially since OP has said it was nothing sexual, but I agree, it’s clearly something significant.

Maybe you're right. I skimmed the posts the first time. Will read more closely.

I do understand her not wanting to disclose her DH's conviction as it would v likely be outing, I don't find it particularly suspicious that she's cagey about that tbh.

I agree.

DH had a classmate who went to prison for crimes involving a child. It was not sexual. DH pulled up the article for me to read. It was in 2014 and it was physical and emotional abuse of a very young child. It was a very grim read and the man, a former PC was sentenced to 4 years.

Because the OP literally said it involved a child. That narrows down the likely offence considerably, particularly when it involves a custodial sentence.
So no. Not daft. Just capable of basic literacy.

1. Your husband said something inappropriate to your own niece who is a minor and you get offended over it? Yet you don't know what was said, so how can you accuse your SIL of overreacting? Your own mother asked him to apologise so that speaks volumes.
2. SIL isn't even blood related. Neither is your convict husband to your family so I know who'd I'd be backing in this contest.
3. Your husband's criminal conviction, and subsequent prison sentence, isn't a private family matter. It is literally public record and must have been bad for him to have been to prison AND for it to be reported in the media. The fact it was involving a child, and the fact you are so embarrassed to disclose it, shows it is bad.
4. You are very clearly jealous and threatened by your SIL. The way you spit venom about her says more about you. She sounds very successful and should be proud of her achievements but you are so intent to bring her down a peg or 2 by making a mountain over a molehill and trying to turn family against her. Lawyer who sticks up for her child, doesn't vape, does charity work or convicted criminal saying inappropriate things to children. Ask yourself, who would you back if you weren't the wife of said criminal?

You are very deluded and sound like a typical narcissist. I suggest you do some soul searching and offer some since apologies.

This is all of your own doing and I hope this post gets back to SIL so we can get her side.

The husband was raging at his own mother because she asked him to apologise to his niece... yet he can't remember what he actually said. How can he possibly know his mum and sister-in-law overreacted if he doesn't actually know what he said?

Oh come on. He needed rebilitation, OP very cagey and immediately the mums are all keeping their distance as soon as his crimes are known. It must be something like that or involving a child.

You’d be surprised how many women take the stance that viewing “child porn” is not an actual crime against a child. I could be wildly wrong but the op is giving me this vibe

You're a drama llama.

Your SIL must have been biting her tongue for years.

She probably told the school mums this terrible secret because she's spent a long time putting up with you and your horrible husband and you just went too far this time.

I might be wrong, but that's what it smells like.

Yes there's a few reports of men around 2011/2012 physically abusing kids, like shaking babies to death, neglect of a toddler, one hit a boy of 8 with a Porsche, a dangerous driving death that killed a 5 year old, running a child over and fleeing the scene etc

Because he knows what he said.

So many people are like "he'd never do it to my /out kids"

As if that's somehow ok...

Most mothers of children would back away from a criminal involved with crimes against a child. Indeed most sane people would back away.

You can never tell though. Until it happens to you.