To start WW3 with my SIL

[Allthewineandallrhedrinks]

Long story but I will keep it short.

Me and my husband had decided to stop speaking or engaging with SIL. Mainly because of an incident where my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice and she literally sulked off to another room in my parents house like it was the biggest deal making me feel uncomfortable and she's not even blood related.
I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother.

So then at my kids school it all gets a bit weird my mum friendship circle start ignoring me and I keep asking whats wrong and they say nothing all fine. But then they are organising meet ups without me which never happens. I normally am one that arranges them. I keep asking what's wrong. Finally find out. My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.
Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

I was willing to not make a big deal and just not speak or see her again but she has made this personal and I cannot let this go.

I read all of OP's posts. Her SIL has turned her friend group against her because of something her DH once did. I think most people would be upset about this.

Op, from reading your comments-

1. you say what your DH said wasn’t bad, he can’t even remember etc but to your SIL and niece (who probably can remember) they found it hurtful, wrong and in appropriate. Whether he meant to offend or not it’s clear he did. 2)It sounds like SIL took herself away from the situation as she was upset.
2. Sending the message to your brother wasn’t a good idea. He has chosen (as he should) his wife and child and is not happy with how is wife was described. You could have sent a far more tactful message without making a dig.
3. I agree that your DH has served his time so the comment your SIL made was probably malicious and designed to get you back for what had happened. If it was said from a desire to protect these people then it would have been said before the falling out. TBH, ESH, I think your husband needs to take responsibility for his actions rather than the two of you trying to minimise them. you may find that this affects your relationship with your DB and DN as they may decide they don’t want the contact with you.

Sounds like he is a pedo if he needs to be rehabilitated.

I don’t think that’s ok and there is nothing to suggest this.

I was thinking more drug dealer using kids to deliver the deals

Which could track if we knew the ages of the kids involved - parents could be worried about them being asked to do this if he has prior form

Edited to add context

Well it is either that or drugs but needing rehabilitation limits it to a couple of things. No wonder the school mums are giving OP the cold shoulder.

My mum's SIL made a "jokey" comment about my appearance one time. I still remember it - and I'm 66. To be fair, she wasn't very bright, but she was a good family member in other ways. I never expected or requested an apology from her.

In your family's case, @Allthewineandallrhedrinks your husband really should apologise to your niece, particularly since it was bad enough to upset your mum as well - surely that indicates that it was out of order.

So far as your SIL's conduct is concerned, if your husband's offence didn't involve child safety concerns then - yes, it does sound as though she was being retaliatory, particularly since she waited. (However, we really can't judge since you've not given us the details.)

Her walking into another room really wasn't OTT. I remember when the comment was made about my appearance, I was upset (literally trying not to cry into my milk) but then realised that my mother had had to move into another room and was being consoled by her sister who was telling her "Don't listen to her - your daughter is a bonny lassie!"

Yes it could be drugs, but no one should be accused of being a paedophile. As much as I think the op is in thr wrong, as does nearly everyone else, accusing her husband of being a paedo is not ok

Actually, I think you are a big part of the problem here.

Your DH obviously said something that wasn't on. Not remembering (or pretending not to remember) because it wasn't a big deal to 'you' is irrelevant. It was a big deal to your niece and your SIL, clearly, and for that alone, a sincerely apology should have been offered up. Instead, you called her a sulking toddler and banned her from a family holiday gathering, which means your niece/nephews lose out, too.

Your failure to offer up what actually happened and whether or not your husband frequently 'jokes' or 'makes comments' to others that you two like to pretend is no big deal when others clearly do is a problem, too, most likely. And rather than look at that and own it, you're doubling down on here.

Not really. SIL didn’t because OP is trying to exclude her from family events. SIL told someone she knew about OP’s DH’s past. It was up to that person what they did with the information. SIL didn’t actively turn a friendship group against OP. They decided to cut her off themselves. That’s their choice. To be honest if he served time and it was in the papers it can’t be that good! OP says he’s moved on, but these friends of hers are allowed to make an informed decision. Had OP not tried to isolate the SIL from family events, I doubt the SIL would have said anything. People have a breaking point. OP has found that out to her detriment.

But your mum knows what he said so why didn’t you ask her if you ‘don’t remember’ what it was?

I think the SIL has discussed something that happened with a mutual acquaintance and it’s grown from there. Given the OP is discussing starting ww3, calling her a toddler, criticising her (in my opinion) good choices- why should she protect the OPs husband and OP that quite frankly sound very combative people.

Also because the OP is refusing to disclose the nature of the comment and the sentence it creates a vacuum. If there was a news article flying around about a parent at your school committing a crime I highly doubt you would be inviting them round for tea and cake.

yes people serve their time and move on, BUT , people make decisions that they feel keeps their family safe. Also the nature of OPs posts lack any sort of self awareness and are rather aggressive. Yes, the children shouldn’t be impacted but sadly the OP has contributed to that situation through her actions and the only way to fix it is with sincere apologies and effort on her part.

Imagine having an issue with someone for not vaping and “doing charity”.

Well you already started it.
She had bigger and better rocks.
Thems the breaks.

Next thread up, my brother doesn’t want to see me and won’t let me see his kids, my parents won’t take sides, it’s because of my bitch sil.

Are you OP's husband?
OP tried to turn her own brother and parents against her SIL and break up the family, all because her husband refused to apologise for upsetting his niece. Tit for tat.
OP started this one. SIL (if SIL even did tell her school mum friends, I doubt she even knows them, as OP herself said, the event was public knowledge and they could have googled OP/DH's names - as you do sometimes, and found it that way, SIL is probably completely innocent and had absolutely nothing to do with it) finished it and OP comes across as vicious, spiteful and immature. There is a reason absolutely no one on this thread agrees with her immature, vicious and jealous and spiteful nasty behaviour to cause shit and try to freeze her brother's wife out of her family.

Does it not worry you a bit that DH’s refusal to apologise had put you at odds with your family given he has a track record that landed him in jail ? You don’t feel that he is trying to drive a wedge between you and your family?

I was in the position of your friends when I found out my friend was in a relationship with someone who had been to prison for child cruelty. He said it was a set up by one of his ex wives to get custody of their child, was very sorry and contrite. I doubt he is sorry in the slightest and is a manipulative, evil piece of shit who set about isolating her from her friends and destroyed her.

There was a transcript of what he said to his child that was read in court and I found out about it shortly before she told me, made me go cold. I backed away and just sent messages at Christmas etc and waited for it to fall apart as wanted to be there for her.

I’m sure you feel none of this applies to you and it probably doesn’t but I thought I would put it here anyway.

Friends haven't withdrawn because of your SIL's behaviour, but because of your husband's last behaviour.

You say it's a mistake and he's learnt from whatever it was but they are still perfectly reasonable to think of him differently. YABU to think of this as your SILs doing and not the natural consequence of your husband's actions here.

So glad I don't know this family or their friends.

I'm sorry but you are in the wrong. Your husband insulted your neice (who you claim to love) but not only won't you apologise but you are going to block them from your lives because your SIL took issue with his behaviour. Your SIL was wrong and should not have spread malicious info about your DH mainly for your children's sake but you started this shit show. Time to grow up.

my husband said something in a jokey way to my neice

I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again.

He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.

…my bitch SIL

You sound very aggressive so not surprised your SIL is pissed off especially after complaining to your bother, her husband about her

Also, without details it’s hard to say how offensive was ‘jokey comment’ and how amazing your ex-criminal husband is.

You honestly sound massively jealous. Even if she overreacted, and shouldn't have shared the info, your judgement is really off and it seems to be the jealousy talking. You also do not appear to have heard what your husband said so can only take his word for it. Whether you like it or not you have to rationally accept that had he said something really bad it would be convenient for him to say he doesnt really remember so the fact he said he doesnt, doesnt prove it wasnt that bad as you suggest. Also that he was convicted of something involving children is relevant to whether you should blindly trust his account regarding a conversation he had with a child

Removing the thread won’t change the reality.

Youre jealous of your SIL. Your DH was rude to your niece. You want to make drama because he was called out on his behaviour.

He’s got a shady criminal past, and has been to prison. For something so bad, that you won’t mention it here. You’ve hidden it from people, and built friendships on lies.

Your SIL has finally got sick of your shit, and told people what you and your DH are really like.

And you think you’re the wronged one. You couldn’t make it up.

Very strange not to remember what caused offence when your own Mum asked for an apology.

Criminal offences are only ever private if they happen in someone's youth. Could it be your SIL thought his comments to her daughter where linked to his offending?

The friendships you appear to have lost at school can't have been especially close if they didn't know about your life can they?

Can you see the irony of your trying to shun your SIL and then being shunned yourself?

I don't think anger is the answer, I think personal reflection would be useful. Hold you head up high and YOU be the one to stop this escalating. 🪷🧘‍♀️🪷🕊

This stop and think is one of the key things they teach to try and stop reoffending and further harm.

Now who is throwing a toddler tantrum?

You seem to be the one that has the class judgement issues. You and H were horrible to her and couldn’t just let things lie and you’re now sore she bit back nd has won. Sounds like a long overdue lesson.