MIL planning her own party and didn’t invite me!

[ImaMothertoo]

MIL has planned a Mother’s Day afternoon tea party for herself.

She called dh to invite him today and made it clear the invite is ONLY for him ! He’s one of 5. She only wants her dc there ! Told him she’s arranged it early so that nobody else makes plans and we (the partners) all have notice 😂😂 she’s mad !

He told her that he already has plans and he will pop round the day before with her gifts !

AIBU to think she’s really rude to do this !

She’s asked to see her children only, they have said no. It’s really her problem and not getting worked up about. She ends up alone.. whereas if she had invited everyone she would potentially have all her children and grandchildren with her on Mother’s Day. Lesson learned perhaps?!

And I wouldn't dream of punishing my children for spending time with their wife and children, @Bellyblueboy! That is a really nasty suggestion.

What manipulative bullshit!

@bigboykitty agree. All the whataboutery and minimising is not coming across as "flexible" and "fair and inclusive" as people think. It's just a bit revealing 😆

Ultimately, the MiL is showing contempt and no consideration for those who she did not birth.

In any relationship, there are ways to go about doing things. This isn't it. The proof is in the pudding anyways as all 5 of her children have declined to attend. Which is telling.

Exactly!! I really do not see the big deal at all ..
This type of problem seems to happen every year.. mothers didn't stop being a mother because her son /daughter married..

On Father's day men usually want to spend time with their male kids or male grandkids and it's view as ok.. (guys day out).
But some mothers are different. Some wants time with just the daughters, but usually they just want that time spent with their children in general.. not a big deal.

mothers day is for kids and mothers a day to celebrate mom

Exactly - but the point here is that the MIL's plans mean the daughters in law, who apparently all do have actual kids, as in children, don't get to enjoy the day being celebrated because they will be doing their usual looking after of said kids, on their own, as the fathers of the same will be with the MIL. It's not the fact that MIL wants to see her children on that particular day, that in itself is perfectly reasonable. The problem is that the way she has arranged it pisses all over four other mothers' special days.

Then the way to go about that would have been to talk to her kids about it rather than make a unilateral decision, no? To explain that on this occasion she wants to see them like this but it wouldn't have to set a precedent, and asking for their co-operation instead of apparently telling them.

Yeah, I've said a couple of times the execution of the request was badly done. Still doesn't follow that the request itself is intrinsically unreasonable. Or even particularly noteworthy.

Potentially even more, since there'll almost certainly be MILs on the other side of the family. None of the posters who think the women in the current trenches of parenting should suck it up have explained why the MIL on one side gets to monopolise the day at the expense of the other.

100% spot on, @FullLondonEye!

Indeed, money with strings attached. Just what every relationship needs. rolls eyes

That's not how I read it at all saying that DIL is demanding anything, and I'm not sure where you see that?

Just simply asking why everyone can't celebrate together as its a special day for both of them 🤷

Is it that terrible to prioritise one's own mum on Mother's Day? I think husbands and wives have a responsibility to ensure their small dc have prepared a present and card for Mother's/Father's days but more important is that they show appreciation of each other's efforts in everyday life. It's relatively easy for a man to give his wife a lie in or make her some breakfast, when a couple live together, but may be harder to show appreciation to his mum if she isn't part of their daily lives.

I think the way this mil has gone about the delivery, has annoyed the dil and we don't know them as people do she may or may not be a complete nightmare in real life (same with OP), but I do think a mum of adults should be able to ask for this on the odd Mother's Day, so long as it isn't an every year expectation.

Re the 'real family' thing. Anyone who doesn't consider their grandchildren to be real family is bonkers. But MN can be hypocritical about in-laws or step children.
We often hear on this site that buying presents for in-laws is wife work, that it's 'his family, his responsibility to buy for them'. That if a marriage broke up, one might never see step children or in-laws again and so OP's shouldn't be doing any parenting or spending their own money etc. Conversely, there's a big fuss if grandparents don't treat/consider their step grandchildren as 'real' grandchildren.
Sone people genuinely do see their in-laws as family, but others don't - it's just different viewpoints and neither is right or wrong imo. So, although terribly worded, I can sort of see where mil might be coming from in not believing her dil is family to her. Obviously she's forgetting that dil is family to her son, but again that's something we see play out on mn a lot, where an OP only thinks of their own side of the family as important and 'forgets' that their dc are equally related to a whole other family.

As I’ve said before on here, @Aiming4Optimistic, I am a MIL and a granny, and I wouldn't expect my sons to leave their wives to look after their children, in order to celebrate Mothers’ Day with me. It’s like me saying “Happy Mothers’ Day, DIL - I’ve organised several hours of solo childcare for you to do, whilst I party with my boys!” - I wouldn’t do that.

I'm so surprised at the answers on this thread. OP, I actually think you're not even beginning to express your feelings on this, but I can only imagine as I have two close friends in similar positions. For them it would be something like this, from their perspective...

'Sarah' lost her Mum a few years ago and that's obviously been devastating and hard. Everyday she realises her Mum isn't there to see her kids grow up.

Obviously everyday is hard, but there are four particular days every year that are extra hard and she could do with a bit more support and understanding:

• The anniversary of her mother's death
• Her mother's birthday
• Christmas day
• Mother's Day

And Mother's Day also has a bittersweet note to it as Sarah is trying to enjoy the day with her own young children, while also desperately missing her own mother.

This year, Sarah's MIL has asked Sarah's DH to be away from Sarah, on Mother's Day, for 11am-5pm. Knowing that this is one of the hardest days of the year for Sarah. Knowing that Sarah can't take herself to the spa or a country retreat as a consolation, as she has three young children to parent. Three children who she utterly adores, but will find it hard to entertain and be upbeat and happy on such a tricky day. And her children are too young to be able to treat Sarah or do special things for her - those are things that only Sarah's DH can enable.

And instead of Sarah's MIL thinking about all of this and either a) having a shorter, smaller gathering with her 'actual family' 🙄on another day, or b) getting all the family together on the day with all her children, son and daughters-in law, and grandchildren, and ensuring all the mothers are celebrated together, she's insisting on her original plan.

That's pretty shit to me. And I've seen how it's affected my friends in the past. And it's changed their views of their MILs irreparably over the years.

Maybe mil's mother is dead and she's like the comfort of her own kids - if we are going to do top trumps, where does it end?

But then she'd, more than anyone, know the importance of that day and how someone else might feel about it. So the kindest (and most logical) thing to do would be to bring everyone together into one event and celebrate all the mothers. (Or hold the 'actual family' event with just her children on another, separate, day - and yes, I'm still putting it in quotation marks because I don't think we should forget that she said that).

I posted this on a completely different thread a while back, but I'll say it again here - my best life advice to anyone is working out what you actually want. And then making choices based on that, or analysing your choices against what you want.

I.e. How much does this MIL want a good relationship with her daughters-in-law and her grandchildren? If she wants that quite a lot, then this afternoon tea isn't the most logical move for her. She's risking alienating her DILs, plus her sons, and potentially her relationship with her grandchildren.

If she wants those relationships, plus bit of extra time with her children (and no others), she needs to work out how to fit that in so she doesn't risk the other things she wants in life.

I'm not saying the MIL is a bad person. We don't have enough information to judge. But I do think she's being unreasonable. And I also think she's actually acting against her own interests.

I see absolutely no problem with this in principle. I can understand why a mother wants to spend the day with her children only. And only her children. It's lovely and sweet. I think that is more than understandable to want to have an afternoon with your children only. Just mother and child/children. The problem is though, how that effects the partners on that afternoon when it comes to childcare.

To be honest I don't think you can scrape the bottom of the barrel much further...

@bigboykittyit wasn't me who used the 'Sarah must have her Dh with her on all major occasions because her mother is dead' argument. I'm merely pointing out that other people have similar circumstances (maybe even mil) and it's not a reason for mil to never have time just with her own dc on Mother's Day occasionally.
I say this as someone whose parent died late last year and who is about to experience a lot of 'firsts'. I won't be using that to stop other people from being with their own parent on this day. To be fair to the OP she hasn't used this as a reason - it's being used by another poster to make mil seem more unreasonable than she might otherwise.

I think people are being a bit silly really. It’s one day. In instances like this in the past for various thing (inc Christmas) we just spread it out. So for this occasion on the Mother’s Day with the older mother (MIL) - can’t DH go to that. But on the Saturday the younger mother (OP) have her Mother’s Day. Everyone gets to cherish each other, get spoilt or whatever.

When you get to a certain age you would expect your mother to be dead.

Oh well, that's okay then @Changename12

A mum of young children should NOT be left doing solo parenting on Mothers’ day, @Aiming4Optimistic.

If the OP’s MIL had wanted to organise a party on Mothers’ day for herself, her children and their spouses and children, that would have been more reasonable - it would have acknowledged that her children are also parents with responsibilities, and that her DILs also deserve looking after on Mothers’ day - but that is not what she did. Her Mothers’ day gift for her DILs is to try to make them look after their small children on their own, while she monopolises the attention of her sons, because she does not consider her DILs or her grandchildren to be family.