MIL planning her own party and didn’t invite me!

[ImaMothertoo]

MIL has planned a Mother’s Day afternoon tea party for herself.

She called dh to invite him today and made it clear the invite is ONLY for him ! He’s one of 5. She only wants her dc there ! Told him she’s arranged it early so that nobody else makes plans and we (the partners) all have notice 😂😂 she’s mad !

He told her that he already has plans and he will pop round the day before with her gifts !

AIBU to think she’s really rude to do this !

Rude would be inviting some of the partners and excluding others but its fair, all not invited for a mother to spend time with their sons/ daughters, whats wrong with that 🤔

She wants more than that, and given the 45 minute drive it would be 11.15 to 4.45. We also don't know whether it would be acceptable for DH to only attend for part of the invited period.

I agree that a genuine couple of hours engagement that didn't take up the whole day would be ok, that's not what this is.

Are you the mil? 😂

The whole point of mother’s day is to celebrate the mother- the mother putting in all the hours looking after the kids.. not to leave her on her own with them for the majority of the day. Surely that’s not difficult to understand?
Also the point is that the MIL has organised it with no intention of firstly asking her children what day/time works for them and their families and/or if they have plans with the mothers of their own kids. That is very presumptuous and rude behaviour.
Also all of the posters saying ‘let him go’ are missing the point that the DH doesn’t WANT to go and has told his Mum that himself.

I think that even if it takes up more than a couple of hours, as an occasional thing, it's an okay ask. Obviously not ideal that the travel time has to be factored in and it would be much better if mil lived around the corner, but thinking about it, if all her kids are spread out, there might not be much opportunity to have them all together.
Much as she might love her dil and grandchildren, sometimes it's nice to just spend time with her own kids.
When my mil got a new partner my dh literally never saw his mum without the new partner in tow - he missed her. Conversations and the dynamic is different when partners and small children are there.

I think there's some irony in posters calling the mil 'entitled' because she wants this day to be about her, whilst believing that the day should really be about the wives. The dh can still ensure his wife has a nice morning, that her kids make her breakfast and celebrate her. The mil would be unreasonable if there really is zero flexibility on the timings, but if the dh could be there from 1.30, imo that would be okay. It's one afternoon to do something that is importsnt to his mum.

I don't know where we've acquired this idea that mothers of small children always take priority over mothers of adult children. I think if she was asking for this every year then OP would be right to push back, but as an occasional request, I think mil isn't being unreasonably entitled.

Parents of adult dc are entitled to be thought of and have their wishes considered by their adult dc - we are important people too. Not all entitlement is bad. Agree that there does need to balance and fairness though - not everyone can have what they want all of the time.

I think a "no thanks" text from your DH is all that this request merits, @ImaMothertoo . Hope you have a lovely mother's day with your husband and children.

How is it putting herself above others though? Every mother in the family gets time with their children? She is a mother too.

OP’s children aren’t tiny. Mothers don’t need to be there for Father’s Day surely?

my dad worked most Mother’s Day. I don’t remember this day long worship fest. Why does it turn into a pissing contest about who is the most important mum?

I don’t think it’s entitled to want to spend some of Mother’s Day with your adult DC- I hope to see mine too.
However
What is entitled is booking an event that takes up the majority of the day….and telling the DC she’s booking it in early to avoid them making other plans with the mothers of their own children. That is where the entitlement is.

I too misread as birthday.

It does seem odd now.

Just wondering - would it be equally horrendous if a dad decided his Father’s Day gift was to go to his favorite place for a pub lunch with his adult children?

If none of these children were fathers themselves (two daughters and a son with no children). Would everyone be shouting that this man was selfish and entitled? He should not be his daughters priority on Father’s Day - they should be home with their husbands who are also fathers?

Me too but you have to be realistic that when the son is in a committed relationship and has kids, this is the mother of his child and as such he needs to be organising for her until the kids are old enough. It doesn't mean they can't see you if you work together but you can't just dictate, you can suggest, but leaving the Mother of his child and your grandkids out sounds a bit challenging to me.

I appreciate I have competition for his time (I mean that nicely) that and hope to arrange to see them all together or just for a short time at some point on the day but appreciate its not always possible but I know they would like to be,

To just invite all 5 kids on their own without their partner on Mothers day is inconsiderate at the least unless you pre organised an agreeable time with them well beforehand. You have to be realistic that as there are 5 of them, (I think) then the chances are slim that they are all free at the same time. Plus their partners have Mums too.

As a mature Mum of adult children you need to be realistic and appreciate that your child has competing priorities and Mothers day with young children is a short window of opportunity.

It would be reasonable to compromise by having a nice brunch with you, DH and your children then him driving to his mum's in time for the afternoon tea part from 2-4.

We tend to share mother's day out because all the mums in our family are worth celebrating.

Nobody is entitled to another person’s attention.

I think the generally accepted view is that whoever is in the throes of active parenting gets the priority if there has to be one on such days. If her husband does what his mum wants, his wife is left actively sole
parenting young children. That’s not going to be a fun mothers’ day for his wife. Who, like it or not, should be his priority (and clearly is, because he’s said no to his mum).

The fact that she's had to organise her own Mother's Day treat suggests that she doen't feel her children bother with her much now they have families. It's only afternoon tea so your husband could help the kids treat you for most of the day and then go and see his mother. It would probably mean the world to her. You could start your MD on the Saturday afternoon so you get spoiled for dinner & then during the Sunday.

No one said the MIL is entitled to it but you are saying the OP is.

It’s Mother’s Day, the DH has a mother, ergo if he wants to see his mother for a couple of hours he should be able to.

This MN obsession with prioritising the nuclear family is really damaging.

She hasn't 'had to organise' it. She's done it in advance on purpose to exclude partners and grandchildren.

Have your morning of fuss from your kids, then dad can take the kids to his mum's party whilst you get an afternoon of peace. Alternatively, get the other SILs around or go out for cheeky afternoon drinkies and lunch!

You can think she’s being unreasonable as much as she’s entitled to behave how she has I guess.

It’s just a commercial day, if anyone has to wait once a year to be celebrated as a mother that’s just yearly scheduled drama. All women in this poor man’s family need to grow up.

A card and bunch of 99p daffodils from the supermarket is more than enough.

And that is confusing for the kids, as an adult woman with Grandkids, I would expect to organise something for a day before or after if there really is no way it can be mutually and agreeably organised beforehand and the MIL of the OP has 5 kids. There is a short window of opportunity with young children for Mothers day to see it at its best, when kids mature it becomes a different type of time together, no less valid, just different and adults need to be mature about it.

Remember there are 2Mothers here, the OP, her and MIL. Its a bit like Christmas, everyone has competing demands and you have to work together to find a solution and if you are not willing to do that, you have to take what is on offer.

The MIL in this post, may well feel neglected and so has arranged her own event but she needs to understand they have kids and desire and practicality is something a mature Mother will understand more than kids. Leaving partners and grandchildren out is in effect minimising her own chances of success in getting her family there.

The OPs partner has to travel an hour to get to his Mums, she wants him there for 12, and the food is 2-4pm so the earliest he will get back is 5pm and that is not leaving much time for him to see his own kids let alone celebrate Mothers day, unless OP wants a breakfast celebration?

Yeah cheeky old Martha to think that she deserves more than the humble crumbs from the table of the more important mothers - she should be grateful your DH is sparing 15 mins the day before to bring a card and a bunch of petrol station flowers so he’s free to dance attendance on you all day on 15th . Maybe she thinks her children’s partners want some time to be with their own Mums and doesn’t want to presume? It’s not as if she is insisting on holding court all day and she’s given advance notice so other celebrations of other family Mums can work around her. Im not you MIL by the way 😂

Invitation is just for MILs DC. Neither peace nor cheeky afternoon drinkies are likely to be forthcoming when OP has sole charge of the 3 kids!

isnt she suggesting just a morning thing, with the intention that the rest of the day can be for her daughter in law? Or did I read that wrong?

also agree if her grandchildren are grown up i can’t see the problem

The kids aren't welcome!

Maybe she has something important that she wants/needs to talk to her children about first? Or maybe just wants a bit of 'family time' with immediate family. I have children but wouldn't get offended at this, its just a part of the day. Not all day. Don't make him chose inless you really did have plans, that can't move. There may be a very valid reason.

He said no immediately, obviously. But do keep looking for ever more fanciful reasons why this MIL needs to spend mother's day alone with her 5 children excluding all of their partners and children.