MIL planning her own party and didn’t invite me!

[ImaMothertoo]

MIL has planned a Mother’s Day afternoon tea party for herself.

She called dh to invite him today and made it clear the invite is ONLY for him ! He’s one of 5. She only wants her dc there ! Told him she’s arranged it early so that nobody else makes plans and we (the partners) all have notice 😂😂 she’s mad !

He told her that he already has plans and he will pop round the day before with her gifts !

AIBU to think she’s really rude to do this !

So her grandchildren don't count as her 'actual family'? Of course they should, and I think this is what shows this up as being about her wanting control rather than caring about 'actual family'.

@Owlmoonstaryou can't reasonably say on a thread to ignore anyone who thinks mil isn't completely unreasonable. The OP asked for opinions and yours isn't automatically right. The beauty of MN is that an OP can take into account different viewpoints - it doesn't work if they only listen to those which support their initial feeling on the matter.

Lovely to do things with adult children but if it’s on Mother’s Day and those adult kids have their own kids then eveyone should be included. OR arrange the separate mum and adult kids Time for another weekend - in fact this is something me and my adult siblings do with our mum. Works perfectly.

I have children, I spend time with my children and husband, then we go see my mother give her gifts then and my mother in-law and give her gifts sometimes we all go sometimes just my husband I don't see the big deal the woman just wants to spend a bit of time with her kids all together, there is enough time in the day to make an effort with all mothers on mothers day

Well, my opinion is that anyone who thinks the MIL in question's behaviour is normal is absolutely batshit crazy.

Which part of the OPs Mum is dead did you miss?

My ex mil did this. Called her three children real family and me and the grandchildren were not. 🤣

She took over the wedding photography at my wedding and the photo of her and her husband and her 3 kids (Dh and siblings) was proudly displayed on the wall the one without me 🤣

she too expected my then dh to treat her and visit her for Mother’s Day and ignore me and I wasn’t invited and leave me with my kids. Present were from children to mother and my kids were too young to buy their own gift - ex dh got her a card and present every year and told me I wasn’t his mother!! Then there was an infamous Christmas where she gifted him a huge present but only to be used for him and not by me and the children. She produced with a flourish a present for me a….packet of biscuits or something I can’t remember exactly. It might of been a cd and he got like a cheque for £10 K which was only for him, not me, not the family or DC just him not the house etc

wow! She sounds delightful.

From the op - "MIL wants them all there from 12 then afternoon tea is 2-4 apparently"

It's 45 mins away so that's a large chunk of the day (11-5) .
The op doesn't have her own mother any more.
I think the plan is thoughtless as best and mean spirited at worst.

Sorry but in a way she has potentially self imposed being alone. She could have invited partners and grandkids and enjoyed it and made it easier for everyone. But what she has done is made her adult children chose ad that is a no win situation for them. She has negated any option for them to invite her over due to where they live in relation to her and the timing of her event. she has sort of boxed herself into a corner.

Don't get me wrong, I have some sympathy with the MIL but she has sort of done this to herself.

@ImaMothertoo I think your MIL is perhaps feeling forgotten or unappreciated and whilst I don't think she has gone about this the right way, I do have some sympathies. Especially if she is on her own.

As a compromise, couldn't the adult kids counter with an offer for a meet up the Saturday before or the weekend after and let it be just her kids. This is a way more diplomatic solution than an outright refusal.

This here!!
People are weird. To me it came off as if it's now a " crazy or /and narcissistic" thing for MILs to ask for time alone with either their kids (sons and daughters)or with their kids and Grandkids without the spouses/ partners..

Just my 2 cents ..it's almost always the DILs that feels butt hurt ..I could care less.. mothers day is for kids and mothers a day to celebrate mom. And that's how I celebrate it. If you're lucky to have a MIL that treats you better than your own mother then that's just bonus!!

What if any of the other MILs want the same deal as OPs? There isn't enough time then.

To those minimising this, I'm confused. I admit what I'm about to type is simplistic but... I think it's because so many posters are also the mothers of sons and this scenario makes them jump to defend the MIL by default.

I'm a mother to a son and a daughter, still primary school age at the moment rather than adults with their own families but they will be some day.

I don't see it as a particularly big deal because I don't see the point of having any day of the year; birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day etc with a strict routine and expectations. Being flexible and going with the flow so some years you see different people on these days in differejt places is so much easier.

This year OP's MIL wants a day where OP is apart from her husband for a few hours. So what?

@PennysPowersI've been thinking this all along. Mum of a Son (still a child) and cannot fathom being like this when he has grown up. Absolutely hope the future Mother of his children would get to "monopolise" his time as some have thrown about. If I've raised him right, he'll still respect and love me and find ways to spend time with me 🤷🏼.

Family life is so frantic, especially if both work/FT/PT or have big commutes and kids with hobbies. BHs and Mother's and Father's day are really the only slow days we have as a family. I'd be really fucked off if someone started making 6 hour demand of my time.

People still also saying "just a few hours". Crikey. 6 hours is a bit more than that

6 hours out of a whole day is "a few" to me, yes.

Especially in the context of it being this one MD after a few years of MIL working round everyone else and not giving an indication it's an expectation of doing it like this in future years.

But it isn't to everyone. How are you not getting that?!

I do get it. I just disagree. And I still think flexibility over all these allegedly special days in the calendar is a much more sensible way to go about it that ring-fencing any of it for every single year.

Well obviously you're entitled to do so.

"Alleged special days" 😵‍💫

It's not even just the number of hours that's the issue, it's the distribution of them. 11.15 to 4.45, with the food at 2-4, means there's not going to be time for a leisurely brunch in the morning. It also means evening plans would be rushed, as DH would probably still be full from the afternoon meal if they wanted to go out afterwards. Should any of MILs kids MILs want to be able to see their DC without kids and spouses, it isn't going to be doable for anything other than a short sliver of time, tops.

It would be easier if she wanted a 5.5 hour slot for brunch/lunch starting earlier, or for the evening meal starting later. This level of inflexibility from MIL monopolises the day.

Yeah. For one year. How can anyone be arsed attaching so much significance to one day in the year that they can't do it a bit differently for once?

OP herself says MIL has worked round everyone else's plans for years. Seems like a bit of flexibility going both ways wouldn't go amiss.

The DIL is also a mother so are you suggesting DH prioritise his mother over the mother of his children?

Why not just include everyone?! 👀

Actually, OP hasn't said that at all. She said MIL usually sees all the kids at different points over the weekend, which is not the same thing. And she hasn't even mentioned any impact on the other MILs in the family. I agree that some flexibility going both ways would've been a good idea, but MILs starting point was a totally monopolising and inflexible plan.

And the significance point works both ways.