MIL planning her own party and didn’t invite me!

[ImaMothertoo]

MIL has planned a Mother’s Day afternoon tea party for herself.

She called dh to invite him today and made it clear the invite is ONLY for him ! He’s one of 5. She only wants her dc there ! Told him she’s arranged it early so that nobody else makes plans and we (the partners) all have notice 😂😂 she’s mad !

He told her that he already has plans and he will pop round the day before with her gifts !

AIBU to think she’s really rude to do this !

She spoke to dh again last night and it’s just the way she’s speaking about me / the other partners it’s just really rude. She occasionally does this where she will say things are just for ‘actual family’ and not want partners / grandchildren there and her delivery of it comes across so badly.

Dh has told her as have his brothers it’s not going to work for any of them. On previous years it’s always been the case that she sees all her children at various points over the Mother’s Day weekend. She suddenly seems to be getting more demanding this year.

I don't understand all the negativity towards MIL. It's Mother's Day, not Daughter-in-law's day. How would OP feel if MIL tried to dictate how she wanted DIL's birthday, for example, to match her wants instead of DIL's? She's planned the day herself to do what she wants to do. Get over it.

Ugh. 'Actual family' - how rude!

Your fella should say, sorry mum but their mother is having a lovely relaxing mother's day with the other wives and I can either come with kids or not because there's no one to look after them. It's your mother's day too!

Yeah sure bro...

Your example is only comparable if both women's birthdays are on the same day. And if there are some other women invited whose birthdays it also is, and whose own mothers might have birthdays on the same day too.

Mother's Day is a day for mothers, there are multiple mothers in this scenario and clearly none of them other than MIL are up for this very specific, day monopolising set of plans. Which is not a great surprise.

Why? Cant a mother just want to spend a couple of hours on her own with her kids?

Yes, a mother can, but this monster in law is dictating that, for a 2-4pm a afternoon tea, all of her children report for fawning duty at high noon, meaning all they have left for their own celebrations is a hurried breakfast or trying to crowbar in dinner out, between 5 and 7pm or earlier, when they no doubt need to be home getting their kids ready for bed.

I agree with you, but that is never the message on here though.

The message is always ‘his family, his organisation’.

MiL’s birthday -‘why are you buying a gift - it is his mother, tell him to get his own’
A visit to his family -‘why do you need to visit too - send him on his own, she is his mother’.
Etc etc.

Can’t have it all ways!
(Until this thread when suddenly the adult son isn’t allowed to spend time on his own, with his family).

To be fair, I would expect my husband to buy his own mother's present and not out source the thinking to me....

But visiting etc sure thing.

On previous years it’s always been the case that she sees all her children at various points over the Mother’s Day weekend. She suddenly seems to be getting more demanding this year.
So for years she has worked around others and for this year wants to have all her children around. Sounds reasonable to me.

If it was a reasonable request why would she be so completely unreasonable in the way she summoned dh and made it clear I’m not welcome neither are the dc ?

Dont think its an issue her arranging something with just her kids. Dh should suggest though she moves it to the Saturday or weekend before or after.

That's different. The execution of the request may have been done badly but that doesn’t make the request itself unreasonable.

OP, ignore anyone saying she isn't being unreasonable. Her request is absolutely bizarre. My mother in law would never demand to see my husband on mother's day and push me and the kids out.

We often do a lovely mother's day Sunday roast over her house, everyone together, and just enjoy a lovely spring afternoon.

Worth pointing out there are probably other MILs involved too, as several of MILs kids are married with their own DC. Not much time in the day for any other MIL who might want some solo time with just her kids.

I don’t think it’s wildly unusual to just have your own adult children for a Mother’s Day meal, especially when you have five adult children, so adding their spouses/partners and children would make it an enormous affair, rather than six or seven people.

Agree.
my mil could be difficult, but she loved me and kids , and would want ti see us just as much as dh.

Is she getting on a bit? Bringing up five kids is some feat! The ‘actual family’. expression ain’t great but I still think it’s sad her dream of how Mother’s Day should look is not in accord with reality. ‘His brothers’…are all her progeny male then? Poor woman! 🤣 (Says a mother of two sons)

My MIL used to do this. Frequent invites for meals and things that were just her 3 children and without any partners or grandchildren. It was hurtful but I never said anything, however, my dh and his brother did and she used to be very put out. They were often on special occasions as well. This increased after my FIL died and it felt very evident that we weren't really considered family to her. I could just about deal with it but it was one of many issues that became too much for dh and he is NC which is really sad. The others are now low contact after many years of issues. Sadly people don't always see they are pushing away those that they love rather than encouraging them in.

I think it’s good all the siblings are singing from the same hymn sheet about this. I’m sure she’ll realise that her changing what has always been the accepted status quo is not acceptable.
the only good thing is that all the in laws are being treated the same. No one is being singled out.
well done to your DH for standing up

I don’t understand her whole it’s only for “actual family” so she doesn’t consider her grandchild her family what are they then scotch mist?

Because she has five children, presumably/potentially each with their own spouse and children. The difference between having an afternoon tea with six people and twenty people, many of them young children, is huge.

That wasn’t my point though was it that’s yours my point is her use of the words “actual family” sounds like she thinks her grandchildren aren’t her family which is a mean way to think about her own children’s kids. Reminds me of my dad’s family who had the attitude of if my parents ever divorced my sister and I would cease to exist it’s not a nice way to talk about people.

Your husband and his brothers should all show up with their spouses and children in tow, and say "you said actual family, and these people ARE parts of OUR actual families". Or in future, for any holiday or Sunday dinners you might normally invite her for, you should stop. Anything she questions, simply tell her you've decided to just include actual family members. Like anyone else, not ALL mothers are created equal, and some just don't deserve honor.