To confront my SIL over my MIL's birthday cake?

[Sophiehoney]

My MIL just had her 60th birthday at the weekend.

She has three kids all with spouses. We all agreed back in September that each couple would take on a different job to provide a nice birthday party for her. Bring in mind she does a hell of a lot for us in terms of babysitting all three sets of grandchildren and generally just being there over the years, it was universally agreed she deserves it.

BIL and wife were in charge of booking the venue and sending out invites. They did this brilliantly.

We (DH and I) were in charge of buying decorations and decorating the venue. We did this, at quite a cost as there were lots of personalised decorations, photo board etc, plus things we made ourselves, and it took a whole day to set up.

SIL and husband were in charge of providing the buffet and birthday cake.

All roles agreed on five months ago.

SIL asked back at the beginning of January if she was still OK doing the catering including cake. She said "yes, of course" Two weeks before the party we asked SIL how she was getting on with the food and if she needed any help and she said "yeah, I can do it if you want, when is the party again?" She was reminded and asked if she needed any help. She said no and asked for people's opinions on what flavour cake MIL would like because she was making the cake herself.

2 days before the party, SIL gets on the WhatsApp group and asks if people can come round and help her make buffet food the next day as she wouldn't be able to manage it in addition to making a cake. We said yes, we'd come after work in the evening and help her finish off.

Got there about 6pm and everything is sitting in shopping bags not even started. She hadn't been working that day and her kids had been at school. Her husband has been home since 4pm and has also done nothing. We worked until almost 10pm helping her make sandwiches, sausage rolls, chicken skewers, salads, fancy olive stick things, pasties, a cheeseboard, desserts etc etc loads of food, and then she announces she won't have time to make a cake now. I'm like.... You haven't made the cake?! And she just shrugs and says she'll have to get one tomorrow (the day of the party)

Morning of party she WhatsApps and asks if anyone happens to be going to a supermarket and can pick up a birthday cake. DH tells her I have bought a really fancy topper that goes with the beautiful, tall fancy birthday cake with fresh flowers she was planning on making, similar to one she made for her daughter, so she is able to make it, and that she showed to us all last year, and that it wouldn't work with a supermarket cake and she just said "well, I won't have time now"

So I rang around some bakeries and by some miracle found one that could provide me with a very nice cake that looks looked like someone had put some effort in, but which was a 40 minute round trip and would cost us over £100.

DH and I spend several hours decorating the venue and then get ready for the party, go get the cake and get there just in time to bring to the party.

The party goes well. All night people are complimenting SIL on the food, she takes all credit for it, and then someone asks her if she made the cake, and SHE SAYS YES, and then this person keeps telling everyone how impressed she is with SIL's baking all night and for the next couple of days while SIL and her family do nothing to correct them.

AIBU to think SIL is being a cheeky bitch and want to tell her so?

DH says to leave it, I didn't make the cake so it's not like it's my credit she's claiming, he was happy to do it all for his mum, and she didn't ask us to get a bakery cake, we could have just got a Tesco one.

But I'm just seething over how little effort she puts in when it's her that asks MIL for the most and then has the audacity to lie about it.

I’d be bloody furious with her and I’d tell her so.

I would totally do this making special thanks to the bakery for doing cake at such short notice due to being let down.

We wouldn't know, the OP or her DH hasn't spoken to the sister to ask what went wrong. The OP wants to go in aggressive/confrontational. This sounds like a one off, something has happened, or is happening. You'd potentially isolate a family member going through a tough time.

Go on FB, post a photo of the cake and tag the bakery that made it, thanking them for the last minute save!

if its not too late Facebook post thanking everyone for playing their parts for helping with the buffet booking the venue and tag the bakery.

OP hasn’t been aggressive at all. By confronting she probably just means having quiet word with SIL.

Read the room, OP has a great relationship with MIL, she is not going to jeopardise that by being aggressive to MIL’s daughter.

She, and the rest of the family need reminding at every opportunity that the cake was bought

I think it would be really tempting to say something, but I think as you weren't able to correct it at the time, it would be a bit like kicking the hornet's nest to revisit the issue. Your DH not wanting to say anything would also sway me.

Definitely if there's any similar events in the future, I would absolutely out my foot down at the outset and say something like, it was obviously too much for you last time, we need to make other arrangements, if she volunteered to make food/cake.

I think the expectations and agreed roles were v unfair in the first place.

What, the roles that SIL suggested?! She's only got herself to blame.

She was a dick and caused unnecessary stress for you and your DH, OP.

But I can't see what's to be gained from calling her out. Just know she's not reliable.

If she keeps bringing it up or anyone asks I would say bakery did it

if mil finds out - unlikely - then so be it

jobs do seem unfair in money and hard work

finding/paying a venue and sending invites was the easiest and cheapest v buying food and making it plus a cake

I’m honestly surprised by a lot of the responses on here that massively oversimplify the other jobs to make it sound like the SIL was treated unfairly and justify her lack of planning and effort.

Venue and invites probably included finding a suitable venue, making the booking, designing the invites, sending them out and keeping track of RSVPs. We don’t know the cost of this but may not have been £50 for the local village hall.

Decorations would have included researching and sourcing different decorations from different places - the OP mentioned balloon arches, flower wall plus other things. And then most of a day to actually decorate. This doesn’t sound cheap and would have taken a fair amount of time.

Food can be ordered online and yes can be time consuming to make (though some can be pre-made party food), but more than a day? Why does she need help, but doesn’t go to help decorate the venue? She could also have bought a cake when she realised she wasn’t going to have time to make it - but again, delegated that problem!
You can’t play the unfair card if you volunteered to do something and turned down offers of help until the last minute, then making it everyone else’s problem, and then claim credit!!!

I'd be fuming with her behaviour. However, as it was a lovely thing for MIL I'd just leave it. But remember to never do anything where I am involved with SIL again! Not worth upsetting anyone over it though - it's done now.

Exactly but in true mn style it drags on and on.
The moment was over long ago.
People won't let go. The siblings would rather argue as well, instead of just thinking mil had a good birthday., let's not spoil it with all this bitching
Move on everyone.

You'll just taint and spoil the whole party if you don't.
Talk about drag a nice do for someone down.

Boxthree
It's a very odd state of affairs, but who decided that booking the venue, decorating and arranging all the food and the cake were equitable tasks, in terms of time or money?

This is very true, while I’d be gnashing my teeth that she’s taking credit she was given a ridiculously huge task in the first place and there’s no way she’s usually the opposite and an amazing baker, cook and planner and you thought she’d come through, ye surely all knew this could happen. Someone who’s usually amazing at all this stuff wouldn’t have had ingredients etc still in bag on the day and be asking about a shop cake!

I think you should let it go - it’s totally taking away from the lovely party and that mil had a great time - surely that’s what you should focus on

people don’t always do what they say they are going to - hanging onto it is only upsetting yourself - what does it matter if she claimed cake was baked by her - you all know the truth

Everything in this sorry saga can be excused or found valid reasons for except one thing.

SIL told a flat lie about having made the cake; this is known by her daughter, who seems to think it was clever, and be treating it as a joke at the expense of everyone there. "SIL's teenage daughter keeps saying "mum said the bakery cake was hers and everyone believed her" as if pulling this off is something to be very proud of."

(How often, on Mumsnet, is it said that it is the having been lied to and believed it that is the worst thing when you find out your husband is having an affair, because you feel made a fool of on top of all the rest?)

That is something that is pretty-much unforgivable, and teaching a teenager to lie and cheat is never a good thing. She might be having a full-blown crisis of come sort, but it is still very bad behaviour indeed to lie and to claim credit for work done by other people (the baker, and all the other people who made the party food with and for her).

All one can hope is that by going on about her mother's cleverness in lying to everyone, the daughter is in fact telling everyone that they were lied to, and they will notice this.

I don’t think it’s a seriously sinister issue lying about the cake….have you seen calendar girls? They are having a little joke

I think also OP it’s your husbands mum and family, just let it go - why cause upset - none of her behaviour reflects on you/affects your life, so let it go - also making a party happened never goes smoothly - I assume even though you all helped with food she got it to the venue and set it up etc

if it’s about shared labour - just be careful what you commit to next time with her

Oh I would so do this! Perfect suggestion! 👏

I can't believe the amount of people defending SIL! If I read the post correctly, she had 5 months to get all this sorted! She was asked more than once if she needed a hand, she declined.
She had more than enough time to get everything done!
I've planned, organised and catered for parties from 20 people to 40 + people, all you need is to be properly organised. And SIL clearly wasn't! All this "the work was unfairly divided" talk is bollocks! Nobody put her forward for those jobs, she volunteered to do them!

I'd take every opportunity to out the lazy, disorganised CF! Seems like she wants none of the work but all the glory. Absolutely not on at all. You can bet your grannys dog that she'd be the first to mouth off if the roles had been reversed!

Did she reimburse you for the cake ? I’d be more angry about that tbh

Please do this !

To imagine there are people like this in the world 😂 Inviting a whole family bar one child how strange...

I second that!

You blew it. Your opportunity was at the party the moment someone mentioned the food and before she responded. I'd have instantly spoken up, smiled and said "why thank you. It was a group effort we worked on till midnight, and the cake is from Ginger's Bakery. Isn't it lovely."

I might have gotten over her and her husband not holding up their end of the bargain, but not over her stealing credit. In little tiny really sweet ways, anytime the subject of that food or cake comes up.... and it will, I'd sneak in a little truth. That cake the guests liked was a big plus for the bakery, not her.

This!