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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To confront my SIL over my MIL's birthday cake?

196 replies

Sophiehoney · 26/02/2026 17:04

My MIL just had her 60th birthday at the weekend.

She has three kids all with spouses. We all agreed back in September that each couple would take on a different job to provide a nice birthday party for her. Bring in mind she does a hell of a lot for us in terms of babysitting all three sets of grandchildren and generally just being there over the years, it was universally agreed she deserves it.

BIL and wife were in charge of booking the venue and sending out invites. They did this brilliantly.

We (DH and I) were in charge of buying decorations and decorating the venue. We did this, at quite a cost as there were lots of personalised decorations, photo board etc, plus things we made ourselves, and it took a whole day to set up.

SIL and husband were in charge of providing the buffet and birthday cake.

All roles agreed on five months ago.

SIL asked back at the beginning of January if she was still OK doing the catering including cake. She said "yes, of course" Two weeks before the party we asked SIL how she was getting on with the food and if she needed any help and she said "yeah, I can do it if you want, when is the party again?" She was reminded and asked if she needed any help. She said no and asked for people's opinions on what flavour cake MIL would like because she was making the cake herself.

2 days before the party, SIL gets on the WhatsApp group and asks if people can come round and help her make buffet food the next day as she wouldn't be able to manage it in addition to making a cake. We said yes, we'd come after work in the evening and help her finish off.

Got there about 6pm and everything is sitting in shopping bags not even started. She hadn't been working that day and her kids had been at school. Her husband has been home since 4pm and has also done nothing. We worked until almost 10pm helping her make sandwiches, sausage rolls, chicken skewers, salads, fancy olive stick things, pasties, a cheeseboard, desserts etc etc loads of food, and then she announces she won't have time to make a cake now. I'm like.... You haven't made the cake?! And she just shrugs and says she'll have to get one tomorrow (the day of the party)

Morning of party she WhatsApps and asks if anyone happens to be going to a supermarket and can pick up a birthday cake. DH tells her I have bought a really fancy topper that goes with the beautiful, tall fancy birthday cake with fresh flowers she was planning on making, similar to one she made for her daughter, so she is able to make it, and that she showed to us all last year, and that it wouldn't work with a supermarket cake and she just said "well, I won't have time now"

So I rang around some bakeries and by some miracle found one that could provide me with a very nice cake that looks looked like someone had put some effort in, but which was a 40 minute round trip and would cost us over £100.

DH and I spend several hours decorating the venue and then get ready for the party, go get the cake and get there just in time to bring to the party.

The party goes well. All night people are complimenting SIL on the food, she takes all credit for it, and then someone asks her if she made the cake, and SHE SAYS YES, and then this person keeps telling everyone how impressed she is with SIL's baking all night and for the next couple of days while SIL and her family do nothing to correct them.

AIBU to think SIL is being a cheeky bitch and want to tell her so?

DH says to leave it, I didn't make the cake so it's not like it's my credit she's claiming, he was happy to do it all for his mum, and she didn't ask us to get a bakery cake, we could have just got a Tesco one.

But I'm just seething over how little effort she puts in when it's her that asks MIL for the most and then has the audacity to lie about it.

OP posts:
Jamesblonde2 · 26/02/2026 18:05

What??!!! I’d be fuming. How did no-one step in and tell everyone you and your DH organised it.

I would not be letting this go one bit. Confront her lies.

TorroFerney · 26/02/2026 18:07

Boxthree · 26/02/2026 17:44

It's a very odd state of affairs, but who decided that booking the venue, decorating and arranging all the food and the cake were equitable tasks, in terms of time or money?

Has she had the hump about that all along?

I don't know what you'd achive by confronting her.

Agree with the confronting achieving nothing apart from a dopamine hit that would last about 5 seconds and wouldn't make any difference in the long run!

Op why not have a chat and say I'm really curious what went on - if you go on the offensive she will just go on the defensive and you'll learn nothing.

But you have a point, she had the hardest job - but up to her to speak up or not volunteer as she's an adult.

Jamesblonde2 · 26/02/2026 18:08

And get the money off her. Cheeky bitch.

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 26/02/2026 18:09

titchy · 26/02/2026 17:52

Grin At ‘booking the venue and sending out the invites brilliantly’! I mean how hard is it to phone a venue and post some cards out! Your SIL may have been a CF but you gave her the most expensive, complex and time consuming task of all of you. Perhaps you’re the CF?

Where on Earth does it say OP allocated the jobs?!

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 26/02/2026 18:09

titchy · 26/02/2026 17:52

Grin At ‘booking the venue and sending out the invites brilliantly’! I mean how hard is it to phone a venue and post some cards out! Your SIL may have been a CF but you gave her the most expensive, complex and time consuming task of all of you. Perhaps you’re the CF?

Where on Earth does it say OP allocated the jobs?!

Delphiniumandlupins · 26/02/2026 18:09

Is she often bad at time management? She had obviously spent some time shopping but misjudged how long preparing all the food would take (given you and DH were there helping for 4 hours). Shame you didn't leave the bakery box visible but hope MiL enjoyed her party.

Daydreambeliever87 · 26/02/2026 18:11

Honestly, I would do a public Facebook post shouting out the bakery with a photo of cake praising them for their last minute service and delicious cake. Hope everyone sees :)

If anyone confronts you “oh, the business asked me to do a review and I obliged. I didn’t think you were serious when you told people you made it, I thought you were having a laugh!”

You are not wrong to be fuming.

Shinyandnew1 · 26/02/2026 18:11

Sophiehoney · 26/02/2026 17:28

It's already been brought up and it's not even been a week. SIL's teenage daughter keeps saying "mum said the bakery cake was hers and everyone believed her" as if pulling this off is something to be very proud of.

And you didn’t say anything?

Did SIL reimburse you for the cake cost?

I would definitely do as a pp suggested and do a FB post tagging everyone (especially the person who asked) who came and the bakers where you got the cake. I’d specifically thank the bakers on the tag for making such an amazing birthday cake at the last minute.

Jamesblonde2 · 26/02/2026 18:12

TattyG · 26/02/2026 17:58

I’d post a pic on facebook and tag everyone saying thanks for a great party. I’d also tag the bakery thanking them for saving the party with the last minute cake 😁

Edited

Please do this OP.

ScribblingPixie · 26/02/2026 18:12

The most important thing is that your MIL had a lovely time and went home thinking that all her children and in-laws made a big effort her. Don't do anything to spoil that. Your DH is right that you could have got a cheaper cake. I would just let it go while never forgetting what your SIL is like. Don't make trouble.

Iocanepowder · 26/02/2026 18:16

I think you should definitely say something to her about her offering to help and then not carrying out her promises. Tell her you will struggle to ask for her involvement in future family gatherings as she is not reliable.

I do also agree with PPs however, that her job was by far the hardest. Cake aside, catering is tricky for big gatherings. I catered for my son’s bday party and it was PITA taking allergies and dietary requirements into consideration, as well as making the food.

Tontostitis · 26/02/2026 18:19

That's a really unfair distribution of labour the cake and catering is a huge job. She really dropped the ball but honestly it was very unfair

Crinkle77 · 26/02/2026 18:20

Boxthree · 26/02/2026 17:44

It's a very odd state of affairs, but who decided that booking the venue, decorating and arranging all the food and the cake were equitable tasks, in terms of time or money?

Has she had the hump about that all along?

I don't know what you'd achive by confronting her.

Yep this. Catering takes far more time than the other tasks. I catered for a party of about 20 and it took all afternoon so a big party in a hall would have taken far longer. And don't forget she had to do all the food shopping as well as clearing up her kitchen after. She was probably overwhelmed with it but didn't want to admit it

Pancakesbythedozen · 26/02/2026 18:22

Sil had a whole day without dc to prepare the food.. When op arrived to help sil hadn't even emptied the shopping bags..

WTAFIsWrongWithPeople · 26/02/2026 18:24

Leave very public reviews for the bakery everywhere you can, with pictures.

AnotherChangeDay · 26/02/2026 18:24

Crinkle77 · 26/02/2026 18:20

Yep this. Catering takes far more time than the other tasks. I catered for a party of about 20 and it took all afternoon so a big party in a hall would have taken far longer. And don't forget she had to do all the food shopping as well as clearing up her kitchen after. She was probably overwhelmed with it but didn't want to admit it

Well she should have said shouldn't she.

She offered to do it, if those of us reading the OP's posts can work out how much work goes into catering and making a cake then why couldnt she?

Sounds like she wanted to be the shining star of the evening (as shown by the unearned for cake credit she took). A bit of modesty wouldn't have gone amiss

Toomanysofttoys · 26/02/2026 18:31

She had months to reach out and say guys that's a lot of work I will need help but instead she even needed reminding of the date it was. Then asking on the morning to get a cake... nahhhh big job or not she agreed to it.

HeadyLamarr · 26/02/2026 18:33

Cravey · 26/02/2026 17:49

Make a post on social media and tag her in it, whilst also tagging the bakery that made the cake. Might shut her up !

Definitely -

"Thanks to [tag in all attendees you are Facebook friends with] for celebrating MIL's big birthday - it was wonderful to see you all. Thanks also to [bakery] for stepping in last minute and baking that wonderful cake. Everybody loved it!"

CorporealCarrot · 26/02/2026 18:33

This just would never happen in my family as we rip the piss out of each other mercilessly. It would be more than my life's worth to try to pass a cake off as my own as I would never hear the end of it, my siblings would not shut up about the bloody cake and I would be the butt of every joke going (deservedly, which is why I'd never ever do it)

Random321 · 26/02/2026 18:33

Maybe I've taken this up wrong but the workload involved sounds very unfairly distributed.

I also don't understand how it takes all day to decorateva venue but maybe that's just me.

Maybe she thought, feck it, two brothers and spouses picked the easy tasks and she was pissed off getting landed with the biggest one both in terms of money, time and effort and said sod this.

Sure, she shouldn't have lied about the cake.

I wouldm't even bother. Your MIL had a great event which is what matters. Also, if DH doesn't have an issue with it, she's his sibling after all I wouldn't cause troble when there's no need and nothing to gain.

CorporealCarrot · 26/02/2026 18:37

The correct advice is either to tell sister in law directly about it and how it made you feel ("i felt like you passed off my hard work as your own and that made me feel angry") or to just drop it as you're not actually going to change her and you probably have no choice about having her in your life. The wrong advice is anything passive aggressive, subtle, talking behind backs - she almost certainly has a different interpretation of the situation to you so it won't get anywhere, you'll both just double down and feel aggrieved.

CorporealCarrot · 26/02/2026 18:38

It all sounds very "where's the salad Dor"

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 26/02/2026 18:39

I don't agree with the people saying the job distribution was unfair.

There's no indication that jobs were "distributed". It sounds like everyone took on what they were capable of and thought they could manage. OP says SIL was very keen to do the catering and volunteered for it. It doesn't sound like she was forced, by OP or anyone.

Everyone has different levels of time, energy and money available to them and it's perfectly fine to only take on what you can do, or even not be involved at all!

What's not OK is saying you'll do something and then going back on it, leaving others to pick up the slack, not even acting grateful, and then taking credit for their work.

ESPECIALLY when you've been offered help twice and declined!!

SIL is a gold-plated CF and OP or her DH should definitely have a word.

Viclla · 26/02/2026 18:42

Jamesblonde2 · 26/02/2026 18:12

Please do this OP.

I also agree. Tag and thank the bakery and leave a review with pictures on their Facebook and Google.

Cheeky fucker!

purpleygrey · 26/02/2026 18:45

Boxthree · 26/02/2026 17:44

It's a very odd state of affairs, but who decided that booking the venue, decorating and arranging all the food and the cake were equitable tasks, in terms of time or money?

Has she had the hump about that all along?

I don't know what you'd achive by confronting her.

I agree. The tasks were not fairly distributed. SIL goT the shit deal there !

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