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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To confront my SIL over my MIL's birthday cake?

196 replies

Sophiehoney · 26/02/2026 17:04

My MIL just had her 60th birthday at the weekend.

She has three kids all with spouses. We all agreed back in September that each couple would take on a different job to provide a nice birthday party for her. Bring in mind she does a hell of a lot for us in terms of babysitting all three sets of grandchildren and generally just being there over the years, it was universally agreed she deserves it.

BIL and wife were in charge of booking the venue and sending out invites. They did this brilliantly.

We (DH and I) were in charge of buying decorations and decorating the venue. We did this, at quite a cost as there were lots of personalised decorations, photo board etc, plus things we made ourselves, and it took a whole day to set up.

SIL and husband were in charge of providing the buffet and birthday cake.

All roles agreed on five months ago.

SIL asked back at the beginning of January if she was still OK doing the catering including cake. She said "yes, of course" Two weeks before the party we asked SIL how she was getting on with the food and if she needed any help and she said "yeah, I can do it if you want, when is the party again?" She was reminded and asked if she needed any help. She said no and asked for people's opinions on what flavour cake MIL would like because she was making the cake herself.

2 days before the party, SIL gets on the WhatsApp group and asks if people can come round and help her make buffet food the next day as she wouldn't be able to manage it in addition to making a cake. We said yes, we'd come after work in the evening and help her finish off.

Got there about 6pm and everything is sitting in shopping bags not even started. She hadn't been working that day and her kids had been at school. Her husband has been home since 4pm and has also done nothing. We worked until almost 10pm helping her make sandwiches, sausage rolls, chicken skewers, salads, fancy olive stick things, pasties, a cheeseboard, desserts etc etc loads of food, and then she announces she won't have time to make a cake now. I'm like.... You haven't made the cake?! And she just shrugs and says she'll have to get one tomorrow (the day of the party)

Morning of party she WhatsApps and asks if anyone happens to be going to a supermarket and can pick up a birthday cake. DH tells her I have bought a really fancy topper that goes with the beautiful, tall fancy birthday cake with fresh flowers she was planning on making, similar to one she made for her daughter, so she is able to make it, and that she showed to us all last year, and that it wouldn't work with a supermarket cake and she just said "well, I won't have time now"

So I rang around some bakeries and by some miracle found one that could provide me with a very nice cake that looks looked like someone had put some effort in, but which was a 40 minute round trip and would cost us over £100.

DH and I spend several hours decorating the venue and then get ready for the party, go get the cake and get there just in time to bring to the party.

The party goes well. All night people are complimenting SIL on the food, she takes all credit for it, and then someone asks her if she made the cake, and SHE SAYS YES, and then this person keeps telling everyone how impressed she is with SIL's baking all night and for the next couple of days while SIL and her family do nothing to correct them.

AIBU to think SIL is being a cheeky bitch and want to tell her so?

DH says to leave it, I didn't make the cake so it's not like it's my credit she's claiming, he was happy to do it all for his mum, and she didn't ask us to get a bakery cake, we could have just got a Tesco one.

But I'm just seething over how little effort she puts in when it's her that asks MIL for the most and then has the audacity to lie about it.

OP posts:
Faceon · 26/02/2026 20:10

Surely behaving like this and not doing the cake is completely out of character for the SIL, given her own family including her mother, don’t doubt it for a minute. So it would appear this can’t be the SIL’s normal way of behaving

Daygloboo · 26/02/2026 20:12

janietreemore · 26/02/2026 17:49

Good point. The other tasks were much easier. Perhaps something else was going on.

Yeah maybe passive agg behaviour

Gymnopedie · 26/02/2026 20:12

OP I think you're just going to have to let this one go. It stings but it's really too late now to say anything.

Is SILthe sort who likes to think she does the best, the most , and wants the bragging rights - and then balks/cba when the reality hits? Does she have form? I'd be very wary of trusting her offers again.

99bottlesofkombucha · 26/02/2026 20:18

traceybeakersbeaker · 26/02/2026 19:34

You took the piss out of her. You KNOW that was too much for one person because YOU wouldn't dare volunteer to do it. You stuck up some decorations, the others sent envelopes in the post.
Yes, she offered but you bitching afterwards is lousy. She was probably embarrassed over the cake in case MIL didn't know. I actually feel sorry for her. Left with the donkey's work thinking she could do it, paid more than the rest of you, especially you OP, shopped for all the food and asked for help at the 11th hour because she was struggling. Did you want her to pay twice for the cake, she had already paid for the ingredients. Way too much work for one person especially when the others are doing feck all.
We all have different capacities, that made me laugh.

Rubbish. Who says she even bought ingredients. She sounds like a total piss taker- works part time, gets an enormous amount of help from her mum, does the least to thank her, and expects everyone to jump in and save her. She sounds a bit like my sil actually so I’d have smiled politely and said oh you’ll have to buy one when she said she couldn’t make it now, because I don’t get involved with that enormous level of the world owes me.

canuckup · 26/02/2026 20:20

She's lazy.

Now you know.

Faceon · 26/02/2026 20:21

99bottlesofkombucha · 26/02/2026 20:18

Rubbish. Who says she even bought ingredients. She sounds like a total piss taker- works part time, gets an enormous amount of help from her mum, does the least to thank her, and expects everyone to jump in and save her. She sounds a bit like my sil actually so I’d have smiled politely and said oh you’ll have to buy one when she said she couldn’t make it now, because I don’t get involved with that enormous level of the world owes me.

So curious then that everyone seems to think that nothing surprising about the SIL baking this lovely cake and no one suspicious.

Clearly the OP hates the SIL and there’s a back story to the relationship

NewGoldFox · 26/02/2026 20:22

Sounds like she had the biggest job to do, really should’ve been an all pitch in job to do the catering. Not surprised she had to put in a last minute call for help.

I also think it’s beyond bloody cheeky to buy a cake topper for a cake you’re not making.

All water under the bridge now and mil had a lovely time so that’s a job well done by everyone, not really sure what you’re trying to achieve by having it out with her daughter.

MynameisJune · 26/02/2026 20:25

Faceon · 26/02/2026 20:21

So curious then that everyone seems to think that nothing surprising about the SIL baking this lovely cake and no one suspicious.

Clearly the OP hates the SIL and there’s a back story to the relationship

Yep! The op even states that the sil has made beautiful cakes before. So she clearly can.

I think she got excited and overstretched herself and then probably knew that asking for help would give the op a reason to bitch about her, so she waited until she didn’t have any other options but to ask.

The op sounds jealous that the MIL looks after her DD’s kids more, probably spends more time with them/sil and that sil is financially comfortable enough to only work part time.

TheMorgenmuffel · 26/02/2026 20:27

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 26/02/2026 18:03

This is the kind of thing I always wish I could come up with in the moment but only think of it ten minutes later!

But I would definitely say this OP, preferably with a huge pass ag smile too.

Sadly I'm the other way round. I can always say the bitchy thing in the moment then later think of the mature thing to do/say.

Faceon · 26/02/2026 20:27

MynameisJune · 26/02/2026 20:25

Yep! The op even states that the sil has made beautiful cakes before. So she clearly can.

I think she got excited and overstretched herself and then probably knew that asking for help would give the op a reason to bitch about her, so she waited until she didn’t have any other options but to ask.

The op sounds jealous that the MIL looks after her DD’s kids more, probably spends more time with them/sil and that sil is financially comfortable enough to only work part time.

Nailed it

No one is remotely suspicious because this SIL isn’t a cheeky, lazy blah blah blah person.

OP has a problem with her. I mean she thinks her husband is “wrong” by not wanting to hurt his mother and causes issues family issues (not that it would, I suspect the family will just think “oh it’s jealous @Sophiehoney going off on one. Yet again.”

Ginnyweasleyswand · 26/02/2026 20:35

I think it's fair enough to leave reviews for the bakery - they did save you at short notice and their cake does sound lovely. They deserve a review and the business it will get them. It's not that easy making a small business work - it's not fair she took credit from them.

She did behave badly. If she can't do it fine, but don't say you will and then back out last minute and don't lie about it either!

TheDaysAreGettingLongerAtLast · 26/02/2026 20:36

Have a rant on MN and then move on.
Life is too short.

FlockofSquirrels · 26/02/2026 20:38

I think I'd injure my eyes rolling them and wouldn't trust her word in the future.

But no, I don't think you should escalate conflict with your DH's family against his wishes for this. Neither your DH nor your MIL sound like they deserve that, and I think that's more important than satisfying the urge to yell at your SIL. Find a friend that doesn't know your family and ask them to let you vent unreservedly for a few minutes and let your DH know that the next time his sister pulls a stunt like this he's going to have to handle it.

8misskitty8 · 26/02/2026 20:42

Cheeky cow !
I'd have put a photo of the cake up on facebook/Instagram tagging the bakery with 'Highly recommend X bakery who made a special cake for us. Stunning' written underneath or something similar.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 26/02/2026 21:37

AIBU to think SIL is being a cheeky bitch and want to tell her so?

Cheeky...No she's not cheeky, cheeky is trying your luck.

She's an absolute out and out bloody liar.

Blueblell · 26/02/2026 21:50

It doesn’t sound like the work was split fairly initially and it was probably sensible to buy a nice cake if she was also making the buffet.

FantasiaTurquoise · 26/02/2026 21:53

I'd be fuming but where is your DH on this? Surely her siblings should be the ones to have a go at her? It would have made more sense to each take ownership of different tasks but use Splitwise to manage the expenses so you all paid an equal share.

Poshjock · 26/02/2026 21:58

Ginnyweasleyswand · 26/02/2026 20:35

I think it's fair enough to leave reviews for the bakery - they did save you at short notice and their cake does sound lovely. They deserve a review and the business it will get them. It's not that easy making a small business work - it's not fair she took credit from them.

She did behave badly. If she can't do it fine, but don't say you will and then back out last minute and don't lie about it either!

Absolutely this is what I would do. Tag the bakery and only the bakery. Don't tag any of the family at all.

Give a full and honest review of how amazing the bakery was, how good the cake looked and tasted and how helpful and professional they were being able to produce at short notice.

If anyone comes back to you at all you have plausible deniability of being PA or petty because - "the bakery asked you to review as a favour for them doing the cake at short notice for a great price".

Sophiehoney · 26/02/2026 23:19

NewGoldFox · 26/02/2026 20:22

Sounds like she had the biggest job to do, really should’ve been an all pitch in job to do the catering. Not surprised she had to put in a last minute call for help.

I also think it’s beyond bloody cheeky to buy a cake topper for a cake you’re not making.

All water under the bridge now and mil had a lovely time so that’s a job well done by everyone, not really sure what you’re trying to achieve by having it out with her daughter.

The cake topper matched the theme of the decor. That's why we bought it and we had cleared it with SIL first. She was clear that she was making a cake just like the one she made her daughter but with different fresh flowers on (MIL's favourites) and the topper fitted perfectly.

OP posts:
Sophiehoney · 26/02/2026 23:22

Ginnyweasleyswand · 26/02/2026 20:35

I think it's fair enough to leave reviews for the bakery - they did save you at short notice and their cake does sound lovely. They deserve a review and the business it will get them. It's not that easy making a small business work - it's not fair she took credit from them.

She did behave badly. If she can't do it fine, but don't say you will and then back out last minute and don't lie about it either!

DH and I did both leave the bakery glowing google reviews as they were very much deserved.
You have to go looking for Google reviews though so they won't be seen by anyone that doesn't know.

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 26/02/2026 23:47

Sophiehoney · 26/02/2026 23:22

DH and I did both leave the bakery glowing google reviews as they were very much deserved.
You have to go looking for Google reviews though so they won't be seen by anyone that doesn't know.

ask other people to leave reviews if you’re talking to them, you don’t have to propagate the lie. Post it in the group chat- hi guys the bakery that made the cake is a small one and did a fabulous job so some reviews would help!

go on…

ChalkOrCheese · 26/02/2026 23:53

I'd leave multiple very public reviews with pictures of the cake and how grateful you are to the cake maker that she made it after you were let down at the last minute and I'd make sure it was set to public and tagging the cake maker. Go out of your way to post recommendations on local town Facebook pages for the cake lady.

Loads of mutual people will see it and you can...oopsie! 🤭 didn't realise it was public!

FlockofSquirrels · 27/02/2026 01:04

You and your DH worked hard to make this party wonderful for your MIL and make it a happy, treasured memory. Your DH, her son, wants to leave things alone. I would prioritize the feelings of both over putting the screws into the SIL because she didn't do enough for her mum.

If you make some public comment to embarrass the SIL or kick off conflict by confronting her it will probably feel satisfying in the moment. But will the people who actually matter thank you for that? Will your MIL feel more happy and appreciated if the party experience ends that way? Will your DH feel more or less supported?

MaggieMar · 27/02/2026 02:00

id be repeatedly asking her to pay for the cake.

FakeTwix · 27/02/2026 02:08

MaggieMar · 27/02/2026 02:00

id be repeatedly asking her to pay for the cake.

But if you read the list of food they helped prep and that sil had done all that shopping already....

I think the expectations and agreed roles were v unfair in the first place.