To confront my SIL over my MIL's birthday cake?

[Sophiehoney]

My MIL just had her 60th birthday at the weekend.

She has three kids all with spouses. We all agreed back in September that each couple would take on a different job to provide a nice birthday party for her. Bring in mind she does a hell of a lot for us in terms of babysitting all three sets of grandchildren and generally just being there over the years, it was universally agreed she deserves it.

BIL and wife were in charge of booking the venue and sending out invites. They did this brilliantly.

We (DH and I) were in charge of buying decorations and decorating the venue. We did this, at quite a cost as there were lots of personalised decorations, photo board etc, plus things we made ourselves, and it took a whole day to set up.

SIL and husband were in charge of providing the buffet and birthday cake.

All roles agreed on five months ago.

SIL asked back at the beginning of January if she was still OK doing the catering including cake. She said "yes, of course" Two weeks before the party we asked SIL how she was getting on with the food and if she needed any help and she said "yeah, I can do it if you want, when is the party again?" She was reminded and asked if she needed any help. She said no and asked for people's opinions on what flavour cake MIL would like because she was making the cake herself.

2 days before the party, SIL gets on the WhatsApp group and asks if people can come round and help her make buffet food the next day as she wouldn't be able to manage it in addition to making a cake. We said yes, we'd come after work in the evening and help her finish off.

Got there about 6pm and everything is sitting in shopping bags not even started. She hadn't been working that day and her kids had been at school. Her husband has been home since 4pm and has also done nothing. We worked until almost 10pm helping her make sandwiches, sausage rolls, chicken skewers, salads, fancy olive stick things, pasties, a cheeseboard, desserts etc etc loads of food, and then she announces she won't have time to make a cake now. I'm like.... You haven't made the cake?! And she just shrugs and says she'll have to get one tomorrow (the day of the party)

Morning of party she WhatsApps and asks if anyone happens to be going to a supermarket and can pick up a birthday cake. DH tells her I have bought a really fancy topper that goes with the beautiful, tall fancy birthday cake with fresh flowers she was planning on making, similar to one she made for her daughter, so she is able to make it, and that she showed to us all last year, and that it wouldn't work with a supermarket cake and she just said "well, I won't have time now"

So I rang around some bakeries and by some miracle found one that could provide me with a very nice cake that looks looked like someone had put some effort in, but which was a 40 minute round trip and would cost us over £100.

DH and I spend several hours decorating the venue and then get ready for the party, go get the cake and get there just in time to bring to the party.

The party goes well. All night people are complimenting SIL on the food, she takes all credit for it, and then someone asks her if she made the cake, and SHE SAYS YES, and then this person keeps telling everyone how impressed she is with SIL's baking all night and for the next couple of days while SIL and her family do nothing to correct them.

AIBU to think SIL is being a cheeky bitch and want to tell her so?

DH says to leave it, I didn't make the cake so it's not like it's my credit she's claiming, he was happy to do it all for his mum, and she didn't ask us to get a bakery cake, we could have just got a Tesco one.

But I'm just seething over how little effort she puts in when it's her that asks MIL for the most and then has the audacity to lie about it.

I’d tag all the places that did the decor and include the cake maker in the tags and gush about how lovely the cake was.. then I’d tag in all the siblings in the post as in ‘had a lovely weekend for xx’s birthday with x y & z, thanks for the venue for hosting, thanks to balloon co etc etc, thanks to x bakery for the lasT minute cake….’

I would have said, "Well, since you made the cake, you can wear it," and pushed a slice full in her face.

And then said, "You know, it really suits you, but here, let me wash it off," and then grabbed a soda siphon and completely drenched her.

I'd have immediately have laughed and royally took the piss out of her when she took the credit.

How many times does OP have to repeat that SIL didn't just ask for this role, but jumped up with enthusiasm to volunteer for it before anyone else could? And that the siblings made multiple offers to help in the intervening period, which were all rejected?

I would ignore the fuck out of SIL from now on. Don’t invite her round or host her or plan any joint birthday.presents or parties with her.

If you’re the one who sorts birthday and Christmas presents for her and her kids, stop it all now.

Still be polite so MIL doesn’t realise, but just treat her like the dead weight she is.

I wonder if she said yes with the full intention of making the cake and the food, but then somehow forgot about it all and realised quite late that she'd bitten off more than she could chew.

I voted YABU because staying mad about this is a waste of your time. Yeah some people let the side down, that’s on them. You learn and move on.

Of course she was in the wrong in failing to do what she promised she would but this isn’t worth a big falling out, in my opinion. It’ll sully your mother in laws memories of her big birthday and her party if you choose to force the issue with SIL, and that’s, presumably given how high regard you seem to hold MIL, the last thing you want to do. It would appear SIL is normally very capable and talented at cooking and baking but on this occasion, for whatever reason, her efforts didn’t seem to pass muster. We are, none of us, perfect.

Then don’t volunteer if you don’t have time! She was asked if she needed help and she said she didn’t!

It wasn't just SiL that dropped the ball. Her husband did as well.
The larger picture is MiL had a nice party. I think it's a bit of a lack of credit for saving the day, so to speak, by OP and her husband that is fuelling the resentment. No judgment, though, as I'd be pissed off, too. SiL and husband should be thanking the others for all their help.

Don’t do this. She’s MIL’s daughter, she’ll tell her. It’s also petty & unnecessary.

If I was the OP's DH I'd be taking my sister aside and asking if everything was ok. The SIL's DH had also been home and done nothing. I'd wonder if there's a medical or marital issue going on. Is SIL working? Does she have access to funds? Before I knew more, I've thought badly of women who've let people down, to only find out what horrendous relationships they were in. I know during peri/menopause this would have been overwhelming. This is one for the siblings because the OP didn't have to spend out on the cake, her DH was fine with a supermarket cake. Everyone else had easy two people jobs. The SIL was flying solo. I wouldn't assume that this is a can't-be-arsed, situation.

@nomas yeah that would work well if the SILs marriage has gone pear shaped. Or even worse, abusive.

You shouldn’t have bought the cake or sorted the catering. You should’ve asked SIL and her husband to pay for the cake and food. You should’ve corrected SIL at the party and told people she didn’t make anything.

Did she really make any of the other cakes she says she's made or were they also instances if taking credit for others work?

Frankly I'd be assuming that and reacting as such next time she says she made one. "Mum made my cake" "oh yeah? Like she 'made' mils? I wonder who she got to pay for this one."

I suspect I’d take the piss, I can’t work out why her taking the credit impacts you, you didn’t bake it.

I also think she had the biggest job by a country mile. Of course she should have been more organised, but I don’t think the catering and th3 cake should have been one job,

one family should have booked venue and decorated it, another did the catering and she should have baked the cake,

I just wonder why you want to keep going with this really?

You indicate the reason you were so annoyed with her is because you feel MiL deserves a lovely celebration and party.

How does you bitching and nit picking about everything that is now in the past help anyone? What is the best outcome from this as far as you are concerned?

Your MiL did have a nice party - dont ruin it now.

I still maintain that the expectations and dividing up of tasks was grossly unfair. The amount of shopping and food that SiL was responsible for (and did as you list the bags of shopping on the side and the massive amount of food that was prepped) is ridiculously expensive compared to the rest.

Regardless of what she said she could do I would have insisted on making sure it was fairer as the plan was so obviously unfair - bordering on exploitative!

You seemed to have a very specific cake idea/need that others weren't as bothered about. You see having a showy professional cake as a significant measure of a good party. Your dh and maybe the rest of the family didn't.

There is no suggestion of that. You’ve just made that up.

She’ll tell her what? That OP isn’t running around after me anymore?

The party goes well. All night people are complimenting SIL on the food, she takes all credit for it, and then someone asks her if she made the cake, and SHE SAYS YES, and then this person keeps telling everyone how impressed she is with SIL's baking all night and for the next couple of days while SIL and her family do nothing to correct them

This is the sort of SIL drama I'm here for 😁

I’d be annoyed with her whole lack of organisation- but making a big deal now would upset MIL which sort of defeats the whole idea of giving her a lovely party - the memories will become tainted with a family argument. Just leave it.

Of course yanbu. Her behaviour sounds irresponsible and inconsiderate. She didn't have to agree and could have let you all know way earlier if she couldn't be arsed or "was struggling".

Because you don't want to upset your mil I would limit your response to making her behaviour a new running family joke until the end of time. Constantly asking "oh did you make that too?" about anything and everything, especially when she obviously hasn't. And I'd do this at every single birthday celebration in relation to the birthday cake. "You made the cake didn't you SIL? So talented!".

YABU because you used the term “confront”. No good comes from that communication style.

I’d be tempted to tag the bakery in a gushing thank you post for the cake supplied, and tag the party helpers in it- I know that’s very childish but I honestly think I might in that situation.