To confront my SIL over my MIL's birthday cake?

[Sophiehoney]

My MIL just had her 60th birthday at the weekend.

She has three kids all with spouses. We all agreed back in September that each couple would take on a different job to provide a nice birthday party for her. Bring in mind she does a hell of a lot for us in terms of babysitting all three sets of grandchildren and generally just being there over the years, it was universally agreed she deserves it.

BIL and wife were in charge of booking the venue and sending out invites. They did this brilliantly.

We (DH and I) were in charge of buying decorations and decorating the venue. We did this, at quite a cost as there were lots of personalised decorations, photo board etc, plus things we made ourselves, and it took a whole day to set up.

SIL and husband were in charge of providing the buffet and birthday cake.

All roles agreed on five months ago.

SIL asked back at the beginning of January if she was still OK doing the catering including cake. She said "yes, of course" Two weeks before the party we asked SIL how she was getting on with the food and if she needed any help and she said "yeah, I can do it if you want, when is the party again?" She was reminded and asked if she needed any help. She said no and asked for people's opinions on what flavour cake MIL would like because she was making the cake herself.

2 days before the party, SIL gets on the WhatsApp group and asks if people can come round and help her make buffet food the next day as she wouldn't be able to manage it in addition to making a cake. We said yes, we'd come after work in the evening and help her finish off.

Got there about 6pm and everything is sitting in shopping bags not even started. She hadn't been working that day and her kids had been at school. Her husband has been home since 4pm and has also done nothing. We worked until almost 10pm helping her make sandwiches, sausage rolls, chicken skewers, salads, fancy olive stick things, pasties, a cheeseboard, desserts etc etc loads of food, and then she announces she won't have time to make a cake now. I'm like.... You haven't made the cake?! And she just shrugs and says she'll have to get one tomorrow (the day of the party)

Morning of party she WhatsApps and asks if anyone happens to be going to a supermarket and can pick up a birthday cake. DH tells her I have bought a really fancy topper that goes with the beautiful, tall fancy birthday cake with fresh flowers she was planning on making, similar to one she made for her daughter, so she is able to make it, and that she showed to us all last year, and that it wouldn't work with a supermarket cake and she just said "well, I won't have time now"

So I rang around some bakeries and by some miracle found one that could provide me with a very nice cake that looks looked like someone had put some effort in, but which was a 40 minute round trip and would cost us over £100.

DH and I spend several hours decorating the venue and then get ready for the party, go get the cake and get there just in time to bring to the party.

The party goes well. All night people are complimenting SIL on the food, she takes all credit for it, and then someone asks her if she made the cake, and SHE SAYS YES, and then this person keeps telling everyone how impressed she is with SIL's baking all night and for the next couple of days while SIL and her family do nothing to correct them.

AIBU to think SIL is being a cheeky bitch and want to tell her so?

DH says to leave it, I didn't make the cake so it's not like it's my credit she's claiming, he was happy to do it all for his mum, and she didn't ask us to get a bakery cake, we could have just got a Tesco one.

But I'm just seething over how little effort she puts in when it's her that asks MIL for the most and then has the audacity to lie about it.

Yes, you have got it wrong.

SiL offered to do the catering, no-one asked her to

MENTAL distribution of tasks. She needed to go shopping for all the food, do a buffet and make a cake and you hung up some decorations and the others dent out the invites. I don't care if she agreed to it. Horribly unfair.

In hindsight, and for future reference she would have been better off doing the job that required the least work… booking the venue. Some people have no clue and she is one of them, if anyone asks, you tell them that cake was bought in.

This is what i don't understand. If that were my family I'd immediately say "yes, and I was bloody pissed off after doing all the work to source the cake, collect the cake and pay for the cake. If you want to claim the credit you owe me £120" - like, why does no-one say anything? How are these people allowed to go unchallenged? It just wouldn't happen in my family, we're quite direct - but I think it's better as nothing festers

I wouldn't do anything at all about this as it will only go badly for you, but I completely agree she was a CF of the very first order and I would think some very dark thoughts about her for the remainder of eternity. I could be dead and buried for decades and I'd still be thinking shite of this woman.

I think that SIL got the raw deal with the food prep, but that's a bit irrelevant. If her lazy indifference was a sulky response to this inequitable load, then she threatened to ruin the day of a lovely lady just because she wanted to make a point - which is puerile and nasty.

If you turn this into a big rift after the effort that everyone (well, not SIL) went to then would you consider that a good outcome?

i would let this go.

She probably just ran out of time honestly. it happens.

Whether or not it's unfair to take someone at their word if they volunteer to do something, I think I might be worried about your SiL. Is she having some sort of breakdown? Volunteering to do things she was clearly unable actually to do, forgetting when her mother's birthday is, refusing all offers of help, not lifting a finger to prepare food that she'd already bought and which was in her house waiting to be prepared, and then apparently thinking she would be able to cook and decorate a fancy cake in less than a day, seems to me to indicate something amiss with her.

Is this a new unreliability, or has she got form?

I too thought so the Instagram and FB photo and tag the bakery and how they saved the day!

Could you contact the bakery and say thank you for the amazing cake, everyone loved it and want to know from where it came. Can you have a photo and price to circulate. Then forward to everyone who was there.

Exactly, that just wouldn’t happen in line either. ‘Did you, bollocks?!’ would have been the retort!!

I mean yes she's a cheeky cunt and all that. But the balance of work wasn't exactly split evenly was it? One couple had to book a venue and invite people, and she had all of the food to prepare plus bake and decorate a cake? Decorating a venue is hardly a huge demand on time either?

Surely the important thing is that MIL had a lovely birthday? Because that's the point, not who gets credit and glory?

Who was paying for all the food?

I think others on this thread have never done proper decorations- they take ages and cost tons. Decorating a hall is a big space. No one just does a couple of balloons these days especially for adult parties. The last one I did had handmade signs, flowr displays, lighting etc.

She sounds crap and I've put more effort into parties for toddlers. I'd definitely be doing a public post with photo of cake thanking the bakery for the last minute save as the original plan sadly fell through.

Just to make a few things clear.

I didn't allocate jobs to anyone. Why would I, as the DIL, be handing out jobs to MIL's three children?

DH also didn't give anyone any jobs. There was a birthday party for another relative back in September. The siblings all said "we should do this for mum" and SIL piped up with oooh I'll do the food and the cake!!

Yes, it was an unequal distribution but at no point in five months did she say that actually it was too much for her and at no point did she accept any help that was offered.

I don't see the need for it to be equal. We don't all have the same capacity. I just think everyone needs to stick to what they said or don't volunteer.

I don't want to leave any passive aggressive Facebook comments (I mean, I do, but I don't think I should) because I love MIL and she had such a lovely time and felt special and spoilt, I don't want to bring any negativity to it for her.

I do want to say something directly to her about how much of a CF she is but I'm wondering if it's my place and if I should listen to DH.

Oh and it took all day to decorate because it was a large venue and we went all out with lighting and backdrops and all sorts of crap. Because MIL is best.

I don't see the need for it to be equal. We don't all have the same capacity. I just think everyone needs to stick to what they said or don't volunteer

She works and has kids. That's not a lot of capacity.
Was she paying for the food and cake ingredients?

Doing the catering is a lot bigger more stressful job than sending out invites or decorating the venue! Just saying. She should have flagged up before it became a crisis.

I'd have a suggestion for where she could shove those chicken skewers. I'd be livid. You are entitled to say something. She has no excuse, she could of got it all done the day before.

Sorry, I meant to clarify, I wasn't around for the actual conversation. Otherwise "did you bollocks" would have shot straight out of my mouth.

A relative told us the next day that SIL did a great job on the cake and we didn't say anything as it was in front of MIL.

Then SILs daughter later confirmed her mum claimed it was hers. And seems to find this funny

I haven’t voted because YANB about her taking the credit and not sorting out the cake - but she really got the short straw of jobs didn’t she?! Who decided it was fair for one person to make a birthday cake and sort a buffet?
You should have budgeted for catering or buying buffet food from Costco or similar and just left the cake for SIL to do

Your husband wants to leave it, it's his family so just leave it.

If you confront your SIL and there's a fall out, it will get back to lovely MIL and leave a sour taste in what was a great party.

The distribution of jobs was unfair and ok she should have spoken up sooner but maybe she didn't want to admit she was overwhelmed.

The end result is that MIL had a lovely time. What would you achieve by making it known to MIL that SIL didn't do as much for the party as she previously thought?

You should've said even in front of MIL that sil didn't do the cake! MIL should know her daughter is telling fibs lol I don't think that would've been a rude comment to make. It could have been funny 😁

Oh yeah, no she didn't make it, we got it from a cake maker. It's lovely though and SIL normally makes lovely cakes she just didn't have time.

Then don't volunteer?! All six of us work and have kids.

As it happens DH and I are both full time and have children she works two days a week with school aged children.

Not that that means she should do more work of course, but she agreed she would.

I would leave it anyway now but definitely don't be scared to tell the truth in a casual manner if it ever comes back up. It's dhs family so it is what it is.

Agreed!!

Of course the SIL said she made the cake -
she probably felt guilty that she’d not had time to make it as planned, especially being known to be a keen cook. Nicer for her mum to think the cake was made by her daughter, even if it was a white lie.