Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

That is my point, if you take on the role of parent to your partner/wife's children then morally you treat them as your own and have to be seen s such by other family member's!

Trust me, I'd over rule him all right. He obviously doesn't have much respect for his wife and the 10 year old he's brought up. Looks as if she's only his daughter when it suits him. The guy's a wimp.

Neither you nor I know the people involved, so there's no reason at all to trust that this would end with you successfully overruling him. If she's only his daughter when it suits him, and I agree he doesn't appear to view her as his own, that makes it less likely that OP would be able to make him to sacrifice his own child's attendance for hers.

This reminds me of my brother in law and ex sister in law. They met when her son was a year old and she was divorced. He brought her son up, he calls us aunt and uncle to this day (he's 30 now and they're divorced). They had another two kids and our MIL showered them with gifts and left the wee guy out. They stay quite a bit away and it wasn't until we had a holiday together we found this out. My husband was blazing (and myself). When we got home my husband went straight round to his mum's and told her straight, she either accepted him or lost the rest of us. So she started giving him gifts at birthdays and Christmas. When she died she left her money to all her grandkids, except him. It was only a couple of hundred pounds each, the other kids demanded it was shared equally with him included and that's what was done.

Your husband should go with DD2.

Denying her the opportunity to attend such family events unless the first daughter is treated the same may not turn out very well for you as we have seen in threads on here.

Ultimately, things are rarely fair for kids in these blended family situations.

I think your DH going with DD2 is probably the least worst option here. I'm not one of those people who believes that extended families should be forced to see step children as the same but it's really poor to only invite part of a family unit.

Well no, people don’t have to do that at all. Evidently.

He’s a wimp…because he’s not falling in line with a ‘yes dear, right away dear’ to his wife. Lol.

Presumably OP doesn’t want to escalate this for her family, and potentially risk her marriage, over this issue. Doing so still wouldn’t result in her oldest daughter having the same as her sister.

Well, I guess you're right - she did say "My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father" - I did take that to mean he sees her as his daughter. But I suppose from his behaviour, then no he does not.

Personally though, I would be very angry with my family if they treated a stepchild of mine in this way, especially if I had raised this kid since being a baby. I'm not saying that the youngest should have nothing to do with the dad's family by any means, I wouldn't say cut them all off for good, but I do think for something as petty as this I would just make the point of not going as I think it is just unpleasant to exclude a child in this way. And the ridiculousness of saying it's because of the bride's sister's step kids just makes it worse imo as it's not at all the same scenario and it shows their lack of interest or awareness of the OP's eldest child.

I guess it just comes down to morals and what people think is important. To me, the act of excluding a child is wrong. Either the family is invited or they aren't, you don't not invite one kid but invite her sister. It's ignorant at best. And so that would mean if I was the dad I would not go as I would show loyalty to the eldest. In terms of the youngest, it's a shame her dad's cousin is a dick, but it's on the adults to just get across the basics in that they can't go without bogging her down in the details or putting it on the eldest in any way. That's my opinion but the OP seems to have decided what she will do, and she will accept the husband's argument on it which is fine.

FFS of course you are not being unreasonable.

Of course you'll daughter should be invited to the wedding, it's either both or neither.

How f awful for you that your husband can't see that.

How horribly damaging for your daughter to receive the message that she's an outsider in her own family.

FFS sake your husband is clueless if he doesn't know that and he needs a slap with a wet mackerel. Or a trout seeing as how Waitrose aren't selling mackerel anymore.

I initially want to go to the wedding as adults and leave both behind telling my youngest daughter that she was too young (all of her first cousins are older). I was not going to mention my eldest as I didn’t want it getting back to my youngest that eldest was the reason she couldn’t go.

Husband did ask his cousin who cited bride’s BiL’s three children one of whom is at least 15. I am not suggesting that these three are less worthy of an invitation than my eldest but they don’t live with the bride’s sister full time and they would all be left out but my eldest is with her stepdad full time and would be the only one left out.

Now my youngest daughter knows about the wedding, knows she is invited and my husband thinks she has the right to go with her family.

My husband is a good stepfather and there is no difference between the two girls in our house.

He will be taking the youngest to the wedding and I will stay at home with eldest.

Logically my youngest has the right to go but my eldest will be jealous but will see the logic.

People on here say that I should have predicted things like this. How on earth could I have predicted extended family marrying someone whose sister has three stepchildren?

My youngest knows my eldest has a different father and of course as someone said the integrity of our unit and their relationship is important but this might backfire if she is stopped from going to this event.

Husband also wants her to have a happy relationship with his nieces and nephews and second cousins which he thinks this wedding will cement.

Sorry OP, that's a poor decision. It sounds like you are making justifications for it because it's whst your husband wants, but ultimately it isn't what's best for your children.

What other decision do you think OP could make given that DH wants him and DD2 to go to the wedding, and she's no more in charge than he is?

I think you're making a mistake by 'staying at home'. You should be proactive in this situation and make the effort to do something positive and fun with your eldest.

I would stay at home with your 10 year old and not take it personally since they seem to be desperate to limit numbers but honestly I'm quite shocked that they aren't inviting the bride's step nieces and nephews. How can that be a medium wedding?

My heart goes out to your eldest.
I do hope she doesn't realise that you, your husband, and his family have all put your youngest's needs above the eldest's.
However, I expect she will realise sooner or later...

I wouldn’t mind allowing DH and the younger child going but there is no way I’d consider going to their wedding.
I would have a nice day with DD1.
Hopefully they notice.

What is ultimately best for my youngest as well?

I am not justifying but I can’t physically stop him taking youngest to a wedding of a man she calls her uncle.

No, you can't stop him.

It is a shame he won't put his non-blood child before his blood family and say he isn't going until the children are viewed as important as each other, but you are in an impossible situation - at least you now know where his true priorities lay.
And they aren't with being a united foursome.

You should do something nice with your elder daughter so that she has something to look forward to as well. If you are buying your younger daughter a new dress for the wedding, buy your elder daughter a new dress too that she can wear on your day out. Make her feel special.

I don’t want to compensate eldest as she might think she is missing out on something special.

But she is missing something special. There’s no way to hide that and she will understand herself even if you don’t say it. It would be far better to acknowledge it and take the opportunity to do something nice with just her.

I think you can absolutely compensate your DD1, but word it like, dad and DD2 are out we can have some grown up girlie time, then plan
a day out or night away, doesn't have to be treated as a "sorry you weren't included", just fortunate timing to allow you to do something special just the two of you.

If that was me & my husband, none of us would go ...

I honestly feel so sorry for your eldest daughter, what a way to be shuned from the family that she so deserves to be a part of....

I could understand if no kids were invited ... but they are, just not yours cos shes not blood ...

I think you're in cloud cuckoo land OP if you think your eldest DD won't be impacted by this. She isn't stupid and will know that her sister has been invited to a big family event and she hasn't. At 11 she will be able to work it out and she will undoubtedly feel excluded and that her step-family who she views as her own family see her differently to her sister.

Your DH is showing you that he also views your younger DD differently to your eldest despite him and you saying that he treats them exactly the same. And you are making excuses for all of that because the truth is too painful for you to face up to at the moment.