Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

You’re missing the point entirely. Why is it all about the youngest and what she needs? It’s the eldest being excluded.

I don’t know your kid, you are the parent, explain it to her in a way she understands. If this had happened in my family, firstly there’s no way I would have married someone and have them living in my home with my kids who didn’t treat them as a daughter. So that’s one element. It would make me sick to see my eldest excluded in this way.

But seeing as that’s where you are, if your husband does decide to come round to understanding obviously he shouldn’t be taking the youngest then he should just grow a backbone and explain it to her. He could just say something like,

“I thought we could go, but now we can’t, and I was wrong to think that we could. Weddings are about family and if our whole family isn’t invited, we don’t go.”

He could explain it in a way she might find easier to understand, like if in her group of friends one of them wasn’t invited to a party, would that be ok? Or if they were going on a school trip and one member of the class wasn’t allowed to go through no fault of their own, would that be ok? It’s an opportunity for a discussion and a way of understanding right or wrong. It’s a teachable moment for all of you.

No, you can’t force him to see the light if he won’t but ffs make sure the eldest understands no matter what you have her back and she’s got you. Don’t try and ignore the reality of the situation as she won’t be able to and she won’t forget it if you don’t acknowledge it.

A. I can’t ignore my husband’s position
B. My six year old knows her sister has another daddy.

She is six but she has the mental capacity to know who is who. I am convinced if we said it wasn’t fair on the eldest so we weren’t going she would say it wasn’t fair on her as they are her actual family.

Her relationship with her sister is more important but how does a relationship with her cousins alongside this affect this?

Also she knows what a wedding is, and has been to two already and is excited.

My husband does treat them the same but whether he sees eldest as his daughter I have no idea, I have never asked him. They certainly get along well and he never differentiates between them.

I might be wrong in downplaying wedding to eldest, I will ask her what she wants to do while the others are away.

Also the apologists for the bride and groom assume that money is an issue and that is why they don’t want to invite non-related kids; I obviously am not privy to their bank balance but I don’t think money is an issue.

Posters are also commenting on him only being a cousin, they are a close family, called aunts and uncles and he is Godfather to two of husband’s nephews.

This wedding is a big deal in the family.

I think they are disgusting doing this, choosing one kid and leaving the other out who live in the same home and it is total cop out as the other sides stepkids are nothing to do with this. I certainly would not go anyway and to be honest I would question my husband going happily with only one child and leaving you and the other at home. He took an oath and he is her stepfather/father and he should not be picking one over the other either. You come as a team/family of four and either you all go or none go IMO.

This position would result in an upset six year old!

Husband won’t budge.

I agree with him over the youngest but still leaves our family in a mess.

Mumsnet always responds badly to posters who say they feel sick about something and they generally don’t like wedding anxiety but I genuinely feel physically sick and it’s the only thing husband and I speak about.

But by being excluded your eldest DD will be upset.

Why is it more important to not upset the 6 year old over the eldest?

Husband won’t budge.

Have you asked him not to go? I don't think you should, by the way, I think he should take the youngest.

The youngest deserves to have a relationship with her dad's family. This wedding is a big deal in the family.

Maybe in future there will be a big wedding on eldest's dad's side that youngest won't be invited to.

Because husband thinks and I agree, that the youngest would have grounds for being upset as they are her family whereas eldest would be upset at missing a wedding.

I don’t want youngest to resent my eldest.

My eldest likes weddings and if she is resentful it would be at groom not her sister.

She thinks that I am not invited either.

Why is it more important to not upset the older child over the younger?

Both have feelings both should be allowed time with their families.

It’s neither child’s fault but making one miss out on their family doesn’t fix the older not having the same family.

Both choices have issues. Sometimes the younger child gets very mad at missing out on their family due to a older sibling and parent trying to over compensate. Making the older the golden child.

Other times the younger sibling is mad at their family for not fully accepting.

But only the younger child can know and decide which version they will be. So if the younger wants to go then they should be allowed to go.

You just say to eldest that one day she might be invited to a wedding on her blood dads side and that means little sister won’t be invited just like this situation where little sister is invited to a wedding of her blood relative and she isn’t invited.

My husband does treat them the same but whether he sees eldest as his daughter I have no idea, I have never asked him.

I'm assuming because you don't want to hear his answer? This is the crux of your problem, OP.

When was it universally decided that stepparents need to see DSC as theirs?

I mean the crux of the problem is that they haven't fully discussed their family relationship.

I am always gobsmacked when I see people defending b&gs behaviour on threads like this, and acting like it’s normal. I don’t know anyone in real life who’d be spiteful and mean enough to exclude one kid from a family of four from their wedding. Horrible behaviour.

Your youngest shouldn’t be punished for a situation out of their control either. It’s as unfair to her not to go as it is for the oldest not being allowed. It could also impact her relationship with her family if it causes a big fallout. It’s unfair all roads and not allowing the youngest to go isn’t going to make it less unfair. This is your youngest family. The truth is you can’t force this family to view your oldest the same way, as long as your husband does that’s the main thing. You can either make it a big deal or you can book something nice for you and the oldest to do and it won’t seem so bad

Isn't eldest integrated enough that it's her family too?

Poor kid having a family who will never pick her. If it was me, I'd definitely feel second best. Hopefully once she's over 18 she will make amazing friends and leave this toxic family behind.

This. And the husband is just as bad for wanting to go to a wedding with people who behave this way.

The elephant in the room is that being happy to act as step-parent, to have a child living with you most/all of the time, to contribute or even pay most of their upbringing costs and even to love them and not treat them any differently day to day doesn't necessarily mean a person will be up for allowing their own biological child to be used as a lever to enforce behaviours on the wider family.

It is clearly some men's red line. Considering how often it comes up on here, I suspect it's a common one.

You only have to visit the step parent board to see how a hell of a lot of step parents merely tolerate their step children.

The compromise for getting their partner.

None of us would be going. The difference here is that with you they're excluding one child out of a family of two children, whereas all three of the children in the other family are not being invited, one is not being made to feel excluded.

I suspect your eldest will not forget this.

I'd ask your husband directly whether he considers her his daughter and if so, why is he allowing her to be treated as if she isn't family? Point out that she will be very hurt and will feel she isn't wanted there.

I'd be furious, if you take on a child as your own, you can't pick and choose when she is family and when she isn't. This would genuinely be divorce territory for me. At the very least, it would be the blow up of the century.

God forbid there be a family WhatsApp group because I'd be on there, publicly declining the invite because it's cruel to exclude one child out of a family and make her feel like she isn't wanted there. I'd really spell it out why I couldn't go and publicly shame them.

Exactly

A lot of people have "liked" or "agreed" my post of 26/02/2026 15:36 but the most important word there is the very first word IF.

My suspicion is that the view that her DH is " to all intents and purposes (her) daughter’s father" is a feature of OP's brain only and that the DH doesn't see her as a daughter and sees nothing wrong in drawing this distinction with his family.

IF that's wrong and he sees both kids as his daughters with equal love and no additional weighting to the link of blood and genetics with the younger, then of course it's reasonable for the whole family to decline the invitation in solidarity with refusing to allow one family member to be treated as not-belonging. If that's not how he feels then it's very unreasonable to expect the bride and groom to issue their wedding invitations on the basis of what the OP wishes was the case, when it isn't.

The important question is whether that is actually how DH feels. A lot of posts giving advice are taking OP's assertion as if it cannot be questioned.

But she doesnt see that side of the family .. (her dad's side)