Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is

[BYU]

I have name changed for this.

Husband’s male cousin is getting married at the end of April. Medium wedding, in a hotel, children are invited.

He has a close family and we see this cousin often. When they moved house they had a bit of an all hands on deck situation and we dropped everything to help them.

On that occasion we met the bride’s sister and BiL who was there with their baby (they have had another child since then), and her husband’s 10 year old. The bride’s BiL has an additional two children from his previous marriage.

They have not invited my eldest child who is 10 from my first marriage to their wedding, when my husband queried this cousin reminded him that bride will have to invite her sister’s three stepchildren.

My husband is to all intents and purposes my daughter’s father, she doesn’t see her own father.

The bride’s BiL’s children live mostly with their mother.

I am really unhappy and want to decline the invitation or as a compromise leave both the children at home. Husband wants to go and feels he can’t leave our six year old at home if her cousins are going.

I feel now I have to decline just for myself if he won’t support me.

Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH?

If your husband is happy to divide the family in this way, you are absolutely kidding yourself that there is no difference between them in your home. For your eldest child’s sake, take the blinkers off and see things for how they actually are

Are u telling us she knows NOTHING about the wedding???

What will u do when youngest gets home and talks about where she has been all day n night... your eldest is going to feel so left out I dont understand how u cant see this!

Im sorry but your husband is NOT thinking about your daughter as he should be. If your a family as you say you are, then WHY would he go without her..

Blood is thicker than water in this case, so so sad for your daughter.

They both know about wedding but want to downplay for eldest.

What would you tell youngest if she wasn’t allowed?

@BYU

Theres a big difference between the grooms relationship with your daughter (his step second cousin) and the relationship of the bride and the other kids in question (step nieces and nephews)

Those are two very different relationships and you need to stop viewing the situation through yours and your partners eyes and how close your family unit is and see this through the eyes of the people who’s wedding it actually is.

Just because your husband has taken on this child as his own doesn’t mean everyone else in your life has to do the same.

Just explain to your eldest the situation as it is, your youngest is going to the wedding because it’s her bloody second cousin getting married. It’s that simple. If your eldest was invited to a family do on her fathers side of the family would you be insisting that they invite your youngest along, no you wouldn’t and you’d be explaining to her that eldest DD is going because that’s her blood family. (Yes I know your eldest doesn’t see her Dad but that doesn’t mean rules should be changed in this situation just because of that)

I would tell her none of us are going .. cos we are standing by your sister. Simple!

Coming from a step parent family AND an adopted one.. (I had 2 kids when I met my husband, we then went on to adopt 2 - and we have 1 together so we now have 5 children)

If people cannot accept that we are a family of 7 ... thats their problem. No i didnt expect my husbands family to accept my 2 kids OR our adopted children ... but u know what ... THEY DID ..... because we dont treat them any differently. They are accepted into our family and if my brother in law was getting married and invited 1 of them and not the other 4 I wud be telling him what to do with his invite! And so wud my husband!

100%

Again, these are two very different relationships. You’ve talking about a scenario of your husbands brother getting married and not inviting his step nieces and nephews.

You are not referencing a situation where your husbands cousin was getting married and wasn’t inviting your kids (his step second cousins.)

Two very different scenarios.

If his cousin was getting married I wud expect ALL the children to be invited, not just 1 ... I know for a fact if that happened it would make my 2 adopted children feel so very different and that wud effect them growing up.

Same for her daughter. She is ALWAYS going to feel like the odd one as it is, this is just rubbing her face in it because her 'stepdad' is going along with it!

You didn’t need to predict other step children. You should have had a thought that not everyone in your husbands family would treat your oldest like their own should you have more children. Thats the thought ahead part.

No it wouldn’t be right to stop the youngest going dad gets an equal say and it is funny watching all these posters stating they would forbade it like they get ultimate say, also not thinking of the consequences for their marriages either. Imagine the dad forbade the mum to take her own child somewhere lol.

Have a relaxing pizza movie night at home with oldest do facemasks or whatever she’s into. With a reassuring conversation that it’s ok to feel sad but also it’s ok for little sister to do things with just her side of the family too.

If her dad suddenly stepped up as father of the year she would be going to things with just her side of the family too.

If the op ever split well then she would have one child with an involved family and one with a deadbeat family. That wouldn’t be any better for the oldest.

"My husband is a good stepfather and there is no difference between the two girls in our house."

If you split up, would he still treat his step-daughter the same as his 6 year old daughter? Would he asking for custody/visitation for both children or just the 6 year old?

This is a mistake….. and she is missing out on something special , special enough that her sister is invited , and she isn’t . She’s ten believe me she knows more about what’s going on then you think . Do something fun with her. I understand you are in a difficult position , but your husband is being a weak twat , by not standing up for his “ Daughter “ he has set a precedent for how his family will treat and perceive her in the future . He has shown she doesn’t matter as much to him . So she doesn’t matter to them .

He should have manned up and said none of yee were attending and made a stand . I was the child in this situation and because it was allowed happen once it kept happening . 35 years later I am still hurt. This problem is not going away it’s just beginning ..

An invite for the step child of a cousin is very different to an invite for a siblings step child. You are being unreasonable.

All of this.

I don’t think this fair on eldest child.

We had the groom’s family wanting to match relationships with the bride- so if her aunts and uncles were invited (2 couples) his aunts and uncles had to be invited (both parents had 12/13siblings each). It didn’t happen.

But sometimes it can be really hard to do what looks sensible, because of the other people involved making things difficult.

Logistics its 4 extra children the bride and groom would have to pay for. When moneys tight you have to draw lines

That would only work if Op and her husband were in alignment. They’re not.

OP hasn’t said that he considers her his daughter. She said he treats them fairly in the home, which is a very different thing to him considering her to be his child. Nothing OP has said suggests that he’s ever told her he feels that way, or that expects his family to consider her a niece/grandchild/cousin.

She knows what's happening, OP. She's 10. Make it up to her; show her she's special.

He has made a stand in disagreeing with OP. OP having an issue with it does not mean that he does, or that he’s obliged to fall in line behind her no matter how own thoughts (as if that wouldn’t be weak).

He treats her fairly. That does not mean that he considers her his daughter, or that she’s under the impression that he does. OP has said her daughters are well aware of the differences between them as half sisters.

I can see your point, but I think he is wrong , he’s the only father she has ever known , and now he’s the second man to let her down in her short life . OP perhaps should have chosen better the second time around .

You dont draw the line between siblings. That is unhinged.

But if eldest was going to a family do on her bio father's side, her mother and her husband wouldn't be going as well!
That's what is so awful about this situation- the rest of the family 'belong' in stepfather's family, and the eldest daughter doesn't.
If groom is only inviting blood relatives, then the mother shouldn't have been invited either....
What happens the rest of the year- parties, bbq, Christenings? Is the eldest to be left out of those too?

Honestly , if this was my dh I would feel very let down by him.